Ravi Bopara starred with bat and ball as England completed a 4-0 thrashing of Australia with a comfortable victory in a rain-affected match at Old Trafford
Routing Australia, rather than preparing for the Tests to come against South Africa, will be England's priority when they aim to put the seal on a successful month of one-day cricket under the Old Trafford floodlights on Tuesday.
"I can honestly say there's been no talk about South Africa," said Graham Gooch, the batting coach, ahead of a day-night match in which England will be aiming to clinch the NatWest series 4-0 with a record-extending 10th consecutive win in 50-over cricket, discounting a couple of washouts. "Every time you play Australia you want to win, every time you beat Australia it brings confidence to your dressing room."
Victory would also make a significant difference to England's place in the official 50-over rankings. The abandonment of the third match of the series at Edgbaston may have scuppered the ambitious goal of displacing Australia from the top of the rankings with a 5-0 whitewash, but a 4-0 win would lift England to third, behind South Africa only on fractions and within a single point of Australia. That would leave either England or South Africa with the opportunity to overtake the Aussies in the three one-day games that follow their Test series in August.
On the other hand an Australia victory at Old Trafford would consolidate their position at the top with 121 ranking points, and leave England in fourth on 115.
Read the full preview here.
Preamble The old jokes are the best, right? Well. For the last week we've had to endure banterlicious discussion of whether Andy Murray is British or Scottish – a joke that was funny for about 72 seconds, in 2005 – and now, after a cricket summer that had been drowned by the weather, we have a game in, yes, Manchester. And it's raining! The forecast is less than great and, while the game isn't yet a write off, play won't start at 2pm as scheduled.
There will be an inspection at 3pm. The cut-off point for play to start is just after 7pm.
2pm Mark Boucher has brought forward his retirement from international cricket because of the horrific eye injury he suffered at Somerset yesterday. What an unspeakably brutal twist of fate. He ends, almost unbelievably, one short of becoming the first man to reach 1000 dismissals in international cricket. Instead he stuck in the nervous 990s, with 555 in Tests and 444 in ODIs and T20s. He will also end on 147 Test caps. The plan was for him to reach 150 on this tour and then retire.
Boucher was the tough guy of the South African team from 1997 to 2012, a player who was not always liked but who was respected by every opponent he faced. The first line of his Cricinfo profile says it all: "A man to go to war with, but never against." Here's a supreme tribute to Boucher, written by Rob Bagchi earlier in the year.
2.05pm "It's rained here in Manchester persistently all night and all day and continues you do so now," says Ian Rogers. "Go home, forget it, nothing to see here."
2.10pm "A journalist described Boucher as a 'hard bastard' on the radio earlier today," says Ravi Nair. "Affectionately. So not always little friend of all the world. But... Still a legend, no? Love him or hate him. And worrying about his eye. Wouldn't wish that on anybody."
2.15pm "Just as I'm coming round to the fact that England have an excellent Test team, and a more-than-useful T20 one, they've gone and got good at ODIs too," says Ant Pease. "It's either that or Australia have been pretty shoddy this tourette (is that the right word?). All I do know is that when I read a piece on Cricinfo saying that having identified Bresnan batting at 7 to be a weakness, Australia are yet to bowl at him, my first thought was to feel a bit sorry for them. Sorry! For the Aussies! From an English cricket fan exposed to the 80s and 90s! There's something deeply wrong with the world, and I blame Andy Flower."
2.20pm "Please let me be the first (I'm sure I'm not) to say how sad the news about Mark Boucher is today," says Simon Brereton. "I could scarcely believe it when I saw he'd played 150-odd Tests. That has to be some kind of record, I said, when I remembered in this day and age Tendulkar has all those records sown up. But not many remember when (current ICC head-honcho) Dave Richardson retired how sad we were and unimpressed by young Mark's first few games, but it's not sentiment now that would put him in my (not your) all-time XI. We will miss you Mark. That is all.."
Cricinfo picked John Waite in their all-time South Africa XI. Denis Lindsay was a fantastic keeper-batsman too, but I don't think anyone would argue too strongly if you put Boucher in.
2.31pm It's not raining in Manchester at the moment. The delay is because of a wet outfield, but there is a snifter of optimism that we might get some play.
2.45pm "I know he's been slagged off many a time on the boards here, but Mark Boucher really was a great servant of cricket in South Africa," says Duncan Bonnett. "Given the nature of cricket and cricket politics in South Africa over the years, it's remarkable that a brief period aside, he's been a fixture in the team when all around him were being skewered for cricketing and non-cricketing reasons. He'll leave a pretty big hole in the side. In terms of the best 'keeper from our shores of all time, a mention has to be made of Ray 'Jet' Jennings: another abrasive character from the golden (although unproven) era of South African cricket from the seventies through to the eighties. He had remarkable reflexes, was a great keeper and handy (at times) with the bat too."
Very true. Dave Richardson was a fine keeper-batsman too. I'm still haunted by the thought of Brian McMillan and Richardson turning a score of 150 for six into 350 against England.
2.49pm "While we await the end of the ersatz Ashes, the Somerset versus Proteas match (thank goodness for twitcher and Aunty) seems to be tremendous fun. Also our lovely England women are playing the series decider against India tomorrow. I presume you know about the wonderful '50 shades of Grey' mystery on their long coach trip from Truro to Wormsley yesterday?"
No, what's this? And what's 50 shades of Grey?
2.59pm I've just realised what Fifty Shades of Grey is. As you were.
3.01pm Rob has dashed off to Waterstones, rambling about an "urgent purchase", but you're not missing much: the umpires have inspected, and will do so again in an hour's time. The outfield isn't fit for play at the moment.
3.13pm "50 shades of grey," says Lorraine Reese.
3.14pm "Afternoon," says Mark Jelbert. "Is Fifty Shades of Grey the weather forecast?"
3.18pm "This," says Jos Roberts, "is all you need to know about said tome."
3.52pm Hello. I've been faffing around, reading Fifty Shades of Grey in record time researching this week's Spin, but you haven't missed anything. The next inspection is at 4pm.
4.02pm The umpires are inspecting as we type.
4.08pm Sky are showing highlights of the thrilling first CB Series final between Australia and England in 2007. If you are really, really workshy/bored, you can relive it here. The one thing I remember about that OBO is desperately needing the little boys' room for the last hour. You really needed to know that.
4.11pm "If we do get some play and England win the series 4-0 will it be a greywash?" says Kevin Perkins. "And if so what shade will it be?"
4.14pm Some good news: play will start at 5.30pm. If it doesn't rain frogs in the meantime.
4.15pm THe match will be 32 overs per side.
4.20pm "'Faffing'?" sniffs Matt Dony. "Is that what you call it these days? Sounds like you might need the little boys room now!" That's his exclamation mark, not mine.
4.21pm "50 Shades of Delay is more appropriate!" "Ha! Brilliant," says Ben Timpson, who won't be here all week because we've just booted him out the fire escape.
4.50pm Pop quiz, hotshot: guess what's happening in Manchester?
4.51pm Yes, yes it is raining. Not heavily, but the covers are back on.
5pm "Miserable," says Mike Atherton, hiding under a Sky Sports umbrella out in the middle. "Nothing to commend it at all. Raining, not too heavily, but very miserable." He's talking about the direction of the weather and adds, with a smile, that "nothing much good comes from Liverpool". Yes, he is a Manchester United fan. Yes, he was joking. Yes, I will work my eyeballs out with a pencil if there is faux outrage over this.
5.10pm The covers are off again, and apparently we are still on a for a 5.30pm start.
5.14pm "Shouldn't you have used the time afforded by this rain delay to pen '50 shades of Gary' – a collection of Mr Naylor's most memorable homoerotic OBO comments," says Nick Smith. Do we really need to cap it at 50?
England have won the toss and will bowl first, for obvious reasons. Tim Bresnan is out with a sore elbow, so James Tredwell comes in. Australia make two changes, with Xavier Doherty and Steve Smith replacing the injured pair of Brett Lee and Shane Watson. The wicketkeeper Matthew Wade moves up to open.
England Cook (c), Bell, Trott, Bopara, Morgan, Kieswetter (wk), Patel, Broad, Tredwell, Anderson, Finn.
Australia Warner, Wade (wk), Forrest, Clarke (c), Bailey, Hussey, Smith, McKay, Pattinson, Hilfenhaus, Doherty.
Here come the players. I must be honest, I had no expectation of play today so I haven't had time for my pre-OBO finger-exercise routine. [Brent] Get your excuses in early [/Brent].
1st over: Australia 1-0 (Wade 1, Warner 0) A bit of early swing for Anderson, on his home ground. Can we really refer to home grounds for centrally contracted players? Anyway, the new opener Wade drives the second ball for a single, the only run from a good first over.
"My abiding memory of Boucher," says Nagarjun K, "will be that of White Lightning going mental over his dropped catch in '98." And the lovely touch when Donald then ran up from fine leg to pat him on the bum. It will definitely be in the Joy of Six: sporting bumpats.
2nd over: Australia 2-0 (Wade 2, Warner 0) The magnificent Steven Finn starts with two stunning full-length deliveries that growl past Wade's outside edge. The fourth ball jags back to leave a tattoo on Wade's inner thigh. Finn is in the top three of the ODI rankings, which prompts a magnificent stat from Bumble. "First England pace bowler to be in the top three since ... Alan Mullally!" Mind you, the official ICC site has Finn at tenth in the rankings, so maybe Bumble's caught a sniff of the wrong whitewash. Presumably Finn is set to go into the top three when they update the rankings at the end of this series.
"The woman next to me on the train this morning was reading 50 Shades of Grey on her Kindle," says Ant Pease. "Not wanting to ruin her ladyporn experience, I helpfully pointed out that at best, the kindle can only render 16 grayscale shades, so she might not be getting the most out of the book. How does that make me the loser?" Has anyone actually read this thing? What is so special about it? Is it unisexual?
3rd over of 32: Australia 2-0 (Wade 2, Warner 0) I think I'm right in saying that, if England win today, they will have a chance to go No1 by beating South Africa later in the summer. But I'm not certain as the relevant webpage seems to be down. England's bowling attack are in perfect working order though – how's that for a dreadful segue – and Anderson zips one off the seam past the groping Wade's outside edge. An excellent maiden.
"Best hope it's a prevailing sou'westerly," says Sean Clayton. "From my mobile weather centre (a train somewhere near York), it's bloody horrible over God's\ Allah's\ the Flying Spaghetti Monster's Own County..." It looks okay at the moment. Imagine if it welts down during the Olympics.
4th over of 32: Australia 8-0 (Wade 2, Warner 5) Warner misses a booming drive at another snorter from Finn but gets it right next ball, punching an authoritative drive down the ground for four.
"If England's First XI are at or near the top of the rankings, where would their
Second XI be in a Second XI ranking?" says Gary Naylor. "Miles ahead, I venture. When one looks at other countries or the IPL, the shallowness of talent (with the possible exception of Indian middle order batting and Australian pace bowling) is marked. It may just be cyclical, or it may be a sign that talented schoolkids in other countries are turning to other sports." I don't really know enough to comment. Is our depth of batting really that strong, though? There is scary potential, but if chickenpox took out three of the top six for next week's first Test, who would we bring in?
5th over of 32: Australia 9-0 (Wade 2, Warner 6) Wade is beaten by another gem from Anderson, on a perfect length and angling away off the seam. Anderson has figures of 3-1-2-0; outstanding in a 50-over game, never mind a 32-over contest.
"My wife's book group have decided to read Fifty Shades of Grey in order to annoy a conservative voting bloke in their midst," says Matthew West. "She informs me that it is absolute bollocks. She has declined to clarify whether that is just reference to a chapter involving teabagging." And with its first teabagging reference, the once proud Guardian Over-by-Over reached its nadir. (I was going to say 'if it's good enough for John Waters it should be good enough for us', as teabagging is an, a-hem, important part of the brilliant film Pecker, but then I remembered Pink Flamingos.)
6th over of 32: Australia 13-0 (Wade 2, Warner 10) Finn beats Warner with yet another wonderful delivery that boings away off the seam. "Cor!" says Bumble. "Oh hoo!" When Finn bowls that full length he really brings to mind Jason Gillespie in his snarling pomp. After five dot balls, Warner inside edges the last ball of a sensational over for four, just wide of the diving Kieswetter.
In an unrelated development, look at this for a Twenty20 match!
7th over of 32: Australia 22-0 (Wade 4, Warner 17) Warner flicks a shortish delivery from Anderson cleverly behind square for four. The next ball is fuller, seams back and cuts Warner in half. These are such difficult conditions for batting, especially in a reduced-overs game where you have less time to just hang in there.
8th over of 32: Australia 24-0 (Wade 5, Warner 18) A Halley's Comet moment. Jimmy Anderson has dropped a catch. Wade edged a drive at the new bowler Broad to the left of Anderson at slip, but he put down a sharp chance at shoulder height. "Old Trafford looks a picture," says Gary Naylor. "Unfortunately, a picture by Jackson Pollock."
9th over of 32: Australia 31-0 (Wade 7, Warner 23) Finn switches ends and is driven through the covers for four by Warner, who has done extremely well to score at almost a run a ball (23 from 25) in these conditions. Wade has been far less convincing at the other end – and he has just been dropped for the second time! He pushed at a good delivery from Finn that bounced more than he expected and went very low to the right of Tredwell at second slip. He was a little slow to get down and couldn't get his hands under the ball.
"Rob, how can you even ask! Test match, 50/50 or even T20, Rob Lewis in Istanbul and my good self on the steamy west coast of Turkey are with you forever. In contrast to my home city of Derby – 15 degrees and flooded – Rob and I are sipping our ice-cold beers on the balcony: it's a mere 36 degrees in Turkey today. But you won't print this, so you can wave goodbye to that box of Turkish delight I purchased for you today", writes the ever-perky Wayne Trotman in Izmir, who even writes the 'writes the ever-perky Wayne Trotman in Izmir' for me. Now that's the kind of reader I like.
10th over of 32: Australia 42-0 (Wade 8, Warner 32) Pick that out! Warner launches a length ball from Broad high over mid on for six. Warner looks in the mood tonight, and if he bats most of this innings Australia will have a very good score. Such statements of the offensively obvious are why they pay me the big bucks. Oh dear, Warner has been put down by Samit Patel, a dolly at third man. He got in the perfect position to take the ball after Warner slashed Broad up and over, but the ball went straight through his hands and into his chest. Whatever he achieves in international cricket, and he is extremely talented, Samit Patel will never be able to lose his Frank Spencer gene.
"I would not worry about heavy rain during the Olympics," says Ian Copestake, "as like many other parts of the capital the weather will be cordoned off."
WICKET! Australia 43-1 (Warner LBW b Tredwell 32) James Tredwell, playing his first game for England since the World Cup, strikes with his fourth ball. Warner simply missed a sweep at a very full delivery that turned and would have hit middle stump. He fancied the review but Wade rightly talked him out of it. That was pretty plumb, and it's an excellent wicket for England. Warner looked dangerous and made 32 from 32 balls.
11th over of 32: Australia 44-1 (Wade 9, Forrest 1) The new batsman Peter Forrest avoids consecutive golden ducks, and then avoids consecutive ducks with a single to leg off his second ball. "In reference to that Bangladesh v. Bangladesh A T20, you don't see an economy rate of 36.00 very often, do you?" says Lee Rodwell. "We've clearly answered that question of who has the best Second XI in international cricket."
12th over of 32: Australia 45-1 (Wade 9, Forrest 2) Forrest survives a huge LBW shout from Broad. It looked plumb, but when Aleem Dar shakes his head you know it's not out. Hotspot shows there was indeed an inside edge. If society could clone one human being in any field, surely it would have to be Aleem Dar? He is insanely good. Just one from Broad's over, and Wade has now crawled to 9 from 36 balls. He has the capacity to make up for those lost balls later in his innings; he certainly needs to do so because if he gets out now it could be a match-losing innings.
13th over of 32: Australia 45-1 (Wade 9, Forrest 2) A maiden from Tredwell to Forrest. Australia are struggling here.
"Banter," is the email subject written by Phil Sawyer, who knows that string vests aren't the only way to get a gentleman OBOer's attention. "I've got a riff for you, Rob dearest. If this game goes past 9pm it'll clash with my weekly dose of Hells Kitchen USA. Yes, I know. I hate me too for watching it. But for some reason I find I get a guilty pleasure out of my fix of Gordon Ramsey swearing indiscriminately at fist pumping American wretches who are completely blind to their own inadequacies (or, indeed, those of Chef Ramsey, as they insist on calling him). What are your other twos of readers' guilty viewing pleasures? The kind of thing that, if you admitted to watching at a dinner party, you know you'd have to leave shortly afterwards, never be invited back, and have to find new friends afterwards." There are rumours that one OBO writer refuses to make plans between 9 and 10pm on a Monday night, but I have no comment to make on the subject.
14th over of 32: Australia 48-1 (Wade 11, Forrest 3) A leading edge from Forrest off Broad falls short of cover, and then he misses an attempted hook. Three from the over, and between them these two have made 14 from 52 balls.
WICKET! Australia 49-2 (Forrest run out 3) This might be a blessing in disguise for Australia. The hapless Peter Forrest, who came back for a second to long on, was beaten by a sharp throw from Patel and a superb piece of work from Tredwell, who took the ball in front of the stumps and swivelled smoothly to dislodge the bails a fraction before Forrest was home.
WICKET! Australia 49-3 (Wade st Kieswetter b Tredwell 12) Two wickets in three balls! James Tredwell is having a fairytale return to the England side. Wade charged down the track and was beaten by a ball that turned a long way past the edge, with Craig Kieswetter doing the necessary behind the stumps. Wade looks accusingly at the pitch, although I'm not sure why. He has gone for a miserable 12 from 41 balls.
15th over of 32: Australia 52-3 (Clarke 1, Smith 2) Tredwell has figures of 3-1-6-2, to go with the run out. He's a crecit to the bald community.
"I have an answer to Phil Sawyer's query," says Ian Copestake, "but it involves the word "porn," so I'll leave it."
WICKET! Australia 55-4 (Clarke run out 1) This is turning into a farce. Michael Clarke plays tip-and-run into the off side, and he is well short when Eoin Morgan collects the ball on the run and detonates the stumps at the non-striker's end. Wonderful fielding, and Morgan wheels away with one hand in the air like Ian Rush in his bristling-couponed pomp. It won't show on Statsguru, but there are few better feelings for a fielder. Australia have lost four for 12 in five overs.
16th over of 32: Australia 56-4 (Smith 5, D Hussey 0) "As you watch more of the Twenty20 stuff than is probably good for you, are there ever instances when a struggling batter has removed himself to let the next one have a go," says Ian Copestake. "It came to mind as Forrest and thingy were struggling." None that I know of, although it may well have happened somewhere. Ordinarily they simply hit out or get out. And it's Thirtytwo32, Ian, not Twenty20.
17th over of 32: Australia 61-4 (Smith 8, D Hussey 2) Samit Patel comes into the attack and the new batsman Hussey gets a leading edge just wide of short extra cover. This pitch is certainly turning.
18th over of 32: Australia 71-4 (Smith 18, D Hussey 2) Steven Finn is back, presumably to harass Steven Smith. In fact Smith drives very pleasantly down the ground for four, the first boundary for eight overs. HE gets anoither off the last ball, tickling a short ball off the hip. A fine over from Australia, ten from it.
"Does Man v Food still count as a guilty pleasure following its appearance in The Guide, or is it now ironically hip?" says Tom Hopkins. "If it helps one way or the other, it comes with a special hand signal (no, not one of those ones)."
19th over of 32: Australia 77-4 (Smith 21, D Hussey 6) Smith and Hussey scamper six from Patel's over. They are both very quick between the wickets and have regrouped purposefully since that collapse.
"How's this for a predicament: flew from Kathmandu (my home for the past three years) today, heading optimistically for Colombo, my home to be," says Tony George, and you know where this story is going. "Owing to a total screw up on the visa front (by the organisation I shall be working for, rather than yours truly, for once) , I'm sat in Delhi airport, stuck in limbo Tom Hanks-stylee as they won't give me a boarding pass. I have, at least, convinced them I need access to their computer, which I am using to follow the OBO on the sly. Looking like I'll be sat here for another, ooooh, 20 hours though. Anyone had worse? I imagine something similar in the old Delhi airport would've been in a different class. And the only effing smoking room's closed for refurbishment." I'm sensing rancour.
WICKET! Australia 77-5 (Smith c Kieswetter b Bopara 21) A bonus wicket for Ravi Bopara with his first ball of the match. Smith, who had played well to reach 21 from 20 balls, got a thin edge down the leg side and Kieswetter took a smart low catch. Smith shakes his head in disgust as what Dame Fortune has just done on his bonfire.
20th over of 32: Australia 80-5 (D Hussey 6, Bailey 3) It's hard to know what a good score is in these conditions, but it's definitely not 79 for five.
21st over of 32: Australia 86-5 (D Hussey 9, Bailey 6)
"Well, there was I, merrily trying to dig a tree stump out of my garden (don't ask) when the radio tells me that they're actually deigning to try and play cricket," says Alan Titchm Amy Clements. "So I duly tune to TMS, to hear that the Aussies have apparently given up playing any cricket, and somewhat sarcastic commentary about how it helps to actually run between the wickets when at the crease... So, what's the verdict on this Aussie side? Have Clarke, Hussey et al just given up? Or are England really that superior? (I don't actually think we are, though we undoubtedly have a cracking side.) Anyhoo, it's not looking like anything other than 4-0 to the Poms in the series at the moment, is it. Shame, I was rather hoping that we'd get a contest out of this one day series..."
Now now, remember John Buchanan saying that. Australia must be better than we have seen in this series. It seems there has been a combination of factors: being caught cold during an off-season tour, not having Mike Hussey, the moving ball, and of course England playing some formidable cricket. It's also easy for an ODI series to get away from a team mentally if they go behind – especially if they are the touring side and start thinking of the children and the flight home. Look how often England have been panned 5-1 or 6-1 in the last decade, including in Australia in 2010-11.
WICKET! Australia 86-6 (D Hussey c Kieswetter b Bopara 9) Ravi Bopara is going through Australia like a dose of salts. The world has mislaid its final marble. Hussey, trying to glide a widish delivery to third man, doesn't get enough on it and Kieswetter takes a simple catch. Bopara has figures of 1.1-0-3-2.
22nd over of 32: Australia 87-6 (Bailey 6, Pattinson 1)
"Kieswetter's rather upped his game in the keeper stakes this series," says Phil Sawyer. "Is it possible that knowing he's not going to have to open the batting has relaxed him and left him more able to concentrate on his performance behind the stumps?" I suppose that's possible, yeah. He has always taken some brilliant catches, but in this series he hasn't had the accompanying howlers. Still, he is mainly in the team for his batting and he does have a lot to learn at No6. (That's not a criticism, it's a completely new role for him in the England team.)
REVIEW! Australia 89-6 (Pattinson not out 2) I know it's been a wet summer, but nobody expected Australia to be such a shower. It's almost too much to bear. England have been all over them from the moment Eoin Morgan got going in the first ODI. Is this another wicket? Pattinson pushed defensively at a straight delivery from Tredwell, bat hidden behind the pad. Ian Gould said not out but England chose to review the decision. It was bouncing over the stumps, so that's an excellent piece of umpiring.
23rd over of 32: Australia 89-6 (Bailey 7, Pattinson 2) That was the last ball of the over. Tredwell's figures are 4-1-8-2.
24th over of 32: Australia 90-6 (Bailey 8, Pattinson 2) Pattinson snicks a low full toss from Bopara on the bounce to Kieswetter, and is beaten outside off later in the over. Try explaining that sentence to somebody who doesn't like cricket.
"Australia will be fine," says Ian Copestake. "They are just going through a transitional decade." We'll regret such gloating one of these centuries days, quite possibly next summer.
25th over of 32: Australia 93-6 (Bailey 10, Pattinson 3) Bailey shovels Tredwell over his shoulder for a single, despite Kieswetter anticipating the shot and attempting to catch it. Pattinson survives a huge LBW shout later in the over. England have used their review, although it doesn't matter as it pitched just outside leg before turning a mile to hit Pattinson on the pad.
"I honestly worry for the character of the nation's young cricket fans," says Peter Harmer. "They'll be starting to think this is how cricket works. I'm sure my early years of cricket-induced fear were character building. I didn't realise 'England middle order' could be said without being followed by 'batting collapse' until I was 15 and that set me up perfectly for the rest of life's disappointment." It's so true. The 46 all out is fractionally above puberty, being dumped for the first time and discovering Hold On by Wilson Phillips on the list of formative experiences.
26th over of 32: Australia 96-6 (Bailey 12, Pattinson 4) Three singles from Bopara's over. England are rattling through the overs.
27th over of 32: Australia 99-6 (Bailey 14, Pattinson 5) And now just three singles from Tredwell's over. "Hey, man, like someone who resents all of George Lucas' work post-1984, I was there at the beginning and I will throw at least as much doo at the Aussies as I had to sift through in my sensitive years," says Ian Copestake, who has a lot of doo still to throw.
28th over of 32: Australia 104-6 (Bailey 17, Pattinson 7) Stuart Broad replaces Ravi Bopara, who has daft figures of 4-0-8-2 in the match and 19-0-57-4 in the series. Five from the over; Australia are dealing purely in singles at the moment.
"Bonsoir Robert," says Michael Plevin. "I've just discovered that my local English pub in Grenoble (called Shakesbeer. Get it?) is showing the cricket. They even serve a reasonable pint of Youngs. I'm here with a mélange of European scientists. They seem more confused than interested and can't understand my smug grin. I guess they didn't suffer the same way we did in the 1990s."
29th over of 32: Australia 113-6 (Bailey 25, Pattinson 8) Bailey gives Tredwell's first ball the charge and strong-arms it impressively over long on for six. Tredwell's comeback is impressive, however, with only three singles from the last five balls of the over. And his comeback to international cricket has been extremely impressive. He ends with figures of 7-1-23-2, to go with that neat run-out of Forrest.
WICKET! Australia 120-7 (Pattinson c Kieswetter b Finn 13) Pattinson bottom-edges a slower ball from Finn through to Kieswetter, who takes an excellent catch diving forward. There was a long delay while the decision went upstairs – and there was a bit of confusion as the replays s suggested the third umpire might have been checking whether there was an edge. Except he's not allowed to do that because England have already used their review. The Sky chaps don't seem to think there's any controversy, however, and that the third umpire was only checking whether the ball carried. It did.
30th over of 32: Australia 120-7 (Bailey 27, McKay 0) That was the last ball of the over.
31st over of 32: Australia 133-7 (Bailey 36, McKay 4) The penultimate over of the innings, bowled by Broad, costs 13. Bailey flicks consecutive deliveries past short fine leg for four and then McKay edges through the vacant cordon for another boundary.
32 overs: Australia 145-7 (Bailey 46, McKay 5) Australia take 12 from the last over, bowled by Anderson. Bailey just gets outside the line of an inswinging yorker, thus surviving a big LBW shout – and that's an important reprieve because he launches Anderson for a mighty six over long on and then clouts another boundary back over the bowler's head. Bailey played a very good innings, 46 not out from 41 balls, and England need 146 to win. It's pretty much a Twenty20 target with an extra 12 overs to bat, so you would expect them to clinch a 4-0 victory, even though batting conditions aren't the easiest. See you in 10 minutes.
INNINGS BREAK
WICKET! England 5-1 (Bell c b McKay 4) Australia get the early wicket they need. Ian Bell clips Clint McKay straight to midwicket, where George Bailey takes a routine catch. That's a soft dismissal, and Bell's first failure in his new role as opener.
1st over: England 5-1 (target: 146 from 32 overs; Cook 1, Trott 0) In other news, I've just accidentally fingered an utterly rancid grape in my punnet, and my fingers now smell of vinegar. Urgh.
2nd over: England 7-1 (target: 146 from 32 overs; Cook 2, Trott 0) The ball is still moving around, and this could be a much tighter chase than some of us envisaged. Cook leaves an inswinger from Hilfenhaus that doesn't miss off stump by much; then he digs out an excellent yorker.
"Hold On by Wilson Phillips? Ooh, good call, Rob," says Phil Sawyer, who almost certainly has a different song in mind. "A couple of years ago I finally pursuaded my father to let me have his collection of old soul and R&B 45s as my rather premature inheritance. I'm sure he thought I'd immediately be hawking them on Ebay. Little did he suspect I'd spend my evenings keening over them, Gollum style. I think I might even occasionally mutter 'my precious' when I hold in my hands this gem from Sugar Pie Desanto."
3rd over: England 13-1 (target: 146 from 32 overs; Cook 8, Trott 0) Cook gets the first boundary, flashing a wider delivery from McKay through the covers. "When the conversation turns to the Higgs Boson it will be the turn of Michael Plevin's new drinking buddies to wear the smug grins and shake their heads at his being more confused than interested," says Marie Meyer.
4th over: England 19-1 (target: 146 from 32 overs; Cook 8, Trott 6) A lovely stroke from Trott off Hilfenhaus is half stopped by Warner a backward point, a brilliant effort that saves two runs, but he flicks the next ball off the thigh to get his first boundary.
REVIEW! England 19-1 (Cook not out 8) Cook is given out caught behind by Aleem Dar but I think the noise was bat on pad. Cook certainly thought so – he reviewed the decision straight away, and he was right to do so. The noise was indeed bat on pad and there was no edge, so Cook survives. Aleem Dar has made his first mistake since 2006.
5th over: England 20-1 (target: 146 from 32 overs; Cook 9, Trott 6) "Ah. Ahem," says Phil Sawyer. "Yes, I was thinking of a different song entirely. Hold On by Sam and Dave, in fact."
RAIN STOPS PLAY. 5.4 overs: England 24-1 (target: 146 from 32 overs; Cook 13, Trott 6) James Pattinson replaces Ben Hilfenhaus and is cut fiercely for four by Cook. The rain has started falling, so we might not be on for long. In fact that's it for now. The crowd are booing but the umpires don't really have any option.
8.39pm We need to have 20 overs in the England innings for the match to be completed. I don't know what the cut-off point for a restart is, however. It doesn't look great. What an ill-smelling wet dog of a summer.
8.45pm Ah, it looks a bit better now. Most of the covers have come off. The players need to be back on the field by 9.17pm, so we should be okay. England will have a revised target.
8.49pm The players are coming back out. England's revised target is 138 from 29 overs.
6th over: England 25-1 (target: 138 from 29 overs; Cook 14, Trott 6) James Pattinson bowls the last two balls of his first over, with Cook pushing a single to leg.
7th over: England 26-1 (target: 138 from 29 overs; Cook 15, Trott 6) Hilfenhaus replaces McKay and bowls a good over at a cost of just one. This is going to be a very late finish, near 11pm potentially. There goes another wild night of abandon.
8th over: England 31-1 (target: 138 from 29 overs; Cook 16, Trott 10) Trott cuts Pattinson classily for four, a much needed boundary for England. The target is now 107 from 21 overs.
9th over: England 33-1 (target: 138 from 29 overs; Cook 17, Trott 10) Cook and Trott are happy to play the long game, even in a 29-over chase, although Trott does slam Hilfenhaus a fraction short of mid on.
"Where's Peter Siddle these days?" says Harry Tuttle. "I'm hoping late night talk radio." They're just talking about him on Sky. He's Australia's attack leader in the Test side, a completely different bowler since the former bowling coach Craig McDermott introduced him to the joys of a full length.
WICKET! England 34-2 (Trott b Clarke 10) Michael Clarke has brought himself on to bowl. We should see a few overs of spin in this innings from Clarke, Doherty and maybe Smith, as the ball turned for Tredwell and Patel. And it has certainly turned there! Trott, trying to sweep, missed a ball that ragged sharply and just clipped the off bail. That's a fantastic delivery.
10th over: England 35-2 (target: 138 from 29 overs; Cook 18, Bopara 1) A fine start from Clarke. One over, two runs and one wicket.
11th over: England 43-2 (target: 138 from 29 overs; Cook 22, Bopara 5) Left-arm spin from both ends, with Xavier Doherty replacing Ben Hilfenhaus (4-0-11-0). Cook and Bopara work him for eight low-risk runs, including a clever tickle off the pad for three by Cook.
12th over: England 45-2 (target: 138 from 29 overs; Cook 23, Bopara 6) Another excellent over from Clarke goes for just two singles. He might well bowl his six overs straight through here.
13th over: England 48-2 (target: 138 from 29 overs; Cook 24, Bopara 8) The Essex boys aren't risking any big shots at this stage, with the required rate still below a run a ball. Three more singles from Doherty's over. England need 90 from 96 balls.
"It's a bit strange when you think about but Australia's best spinner since SK Warne is Michael Clarke," says Gary Naylor. "Nathan Lyon looks a prospect though." Clarke has been so impressive on this tour, especially as captain. He's a captain who never lets the game take a nap, which is extremely rare.
14th over: England 58-2 (target: 138 from 29 overs; Cook 27, Bopara 15) The weather looks fine now so I'm sure we'll get a result in this match. Cook back cuts Clarke nicely for three and then Bopara, dancing back in his crease, flashes him majestically through extra cover for four. Ten from the over.
15th over: England 62-2 (target: 138 from 29 overs; Cook 29, Bopara 17) Nudge, scamper. Repeat four times. "Right, I admit to being baffled by the D/L method, but accept whatever I'm told about what the target is," writes Shaun Pollock. "But what I'm not capable of right now (it's just too late / I'm a bit crap / I missed that class at school / the cat sat on the calculator / I can't be arsed and there's a friendly OBO writer to do these things for us) is working out what our run rate needs to be at the moment. So, Smyth, what do we need?" Oh, you mean if it starts raining now? Aleem Dar knows. England must be ahead of D/L at the moment. But I don't think it's going to come into play. If it does you'll hear it here 12th.
16th over: England 64-2 (target: 138 from 29 overs; Cook 30, Bopara 18) Australia need a wicket and Bopara is playing the spinners beautifully, so Michael Clarke replaces Michael Clarke with James Pattinson. Just two from the over.
17th over: England 73-2 (target: 138 from 29 overs; Cook 32, Bopara 25) Bopara laps Doherty neatly round the corner and hares back for two, and a high-class cover drive for four from the same batsman makes it nine from the over. England need 65 from 72 balls.
18th over: England 80-2 (target: 138 from 29 overs; Cook 39, Bopara 25) Cook smashes a pull for four of Pattinson. Seven from the over; England are going really well at the moment and are strong favourites. The weather seems to be closing in again, although we only need to have two more overs for there to be a result.
"Speaking of Clarke's captaincy skills, who was the last great Aussie captain?" says Sean Clayton. "I'd have to go for Tubby Taylor. Ponting was too reactive (and too easily wound up) while Steve Waugh had such a good team around him that he wasn't tested as a captain that often." Waugh was the perfect captain for that group of players; I don't know if it's fair to judge him on what he didn't do because he tailored his approach to that team. And few captains have led by example better than Ponting. But, yes, Taylor was the last classical, imaginative captain before Clarke, definitely, and quite possibly the last great one. He was a sensational captain.
19th over: England 86-2 (target: 138 from 29 overs; Cook 44, Bopara 26) Cook touches the new bowler McKay off the hip for four to bring up a fine fifty partnership and prompt a less than fine blast of Chelsea Dagger the Fratellis over the tannoy. He survives a muted shout for LBW later in the over. It was missing off.
20th over: England 89-2 (target: 138 from 29 overs; Cook 46, Bopara 27) Steve Smith comes into the attack, another gamble from the ever adventurous Michael Clarke. Cook fails to punish a full toss and there are just three from the over. Even if the apocalypse arrives now, we will have a result. England are currently ahead of Duckworth/Lewis.
21st over: England 92-2 (target: 138 from 29 overs; Cook 46, Bopara 30) Cook misses a big flash at McKay, whose fifty over costs just three. England need 46 from 48 balls.
22nd over: England 98-2 (target: 138 from 29 overs; Cook 50, Bopara 32) Cook works Smith round the corner to reach another excellent half-century, this one from 68 balls. Six from the over. England need 40 from 42 balls.
23rd over: England 104-2 (need 34 from 36 balls; Cook 51, Bopara 36) Bopara clunks the new bowler Pattinson over mid on for a couple to bring up the hundred, and then scampers back for two more to deep cover. Six from the over.
24th over: England 114-2 (need 24 from 30 balls; Cook 56, Bopara 41) Steve Smith is replaced by Xavier Doherty, and Bopara sweeps him expertly for four. He has played the slow bowlers so well in this innings. Cook then lifts one a fraction short of Pattinson, running round from deep mid on. Ten from the over.
25th over: England 123-2 (need 15 from 24 balls; Cook 56, Bopara 50) Bopara clouts a short ball from Pattinson thrillingly to cow corner for a one-bounce four. The next ball is full, in the slot and blitzed through extra cover for four more. A neat glide to third man brings him to a majestic 50 from only 51 balls. He has never played better for England, and he will surely bat No6 in the Test series against South Africa.
WICKET! England 126-3 (Cook c Clarke b Hilfenhaus 58) Cook falls, edging an attempted cut to Clarke at slip. That was a smart catch from Clarke. England need 12 from 19 balls.
26th over: England 130-3 (need 8 from 18 balls; Bopara 51, Morgan 4) Morgan waves his first ball imperiously for four. The way he is batting right now, he has the world's address.
"Australia have never lost an ODI series 4-0," says Olly Winkles. What is this feeling? Is it me feeling sorry for Australia? Surely not?"
27th over: England 137-3 (need 1 from 12 balls; Bopara 52, Morgan 8) The impressive McKay postpones the inevitable, with Bopara surviving an LBW appeal after originally being given not out.
ENGLAND WIN BY SEVEN WICKETS WITH 11 BALLS TO SPARE That's it! England have beaten Australia 4-0 for the first time in any form of the game. Amazing stuff. I would sit and bathe in such a wonderful victory but I have to do a train-dash. Thanks for your emails; night.