England, with a bit of help from the rain, ended on 132 for four, a deficit on 127, after Australia hit their highest Ashes total on home soil
Related: England on the edge of series defeat as Australia tighten grip on the Ashes
The urn won’t be returning tonight: play has been abandoned for the day. Australia need six wickets tomorrow; England need an apocalyptic storm. Thanks for your company on another great day for Australia. Goodnight!
Play has _ like hope, happiness and the love of one human being for another _ been abandoned.
UPDATE: Play has been abandoned on day four. Play to begin at 10am local time tomorrow. Gold coin donation to @MovemberAUS for entry! #Ashes
A blessing from on high
That’s called a JAFFA! What a delivery @mstarc56 you reminded me of my bowling days and I enjoyed it to the hilt! You made left armers proud! @CricketAus
Chit-chat
“We give a lot of stick to Bayliss but you have to give him Malan,” says Sachin Paul. “When Kagiso Rabada removed Malan’s stumps, no one expected him to be looking like England’s version of Hussey and trying to save a Test match. Maybe if we pick a proper spinner and stick with him, you never know.”
It’s now hammering down at the Waca, so that might be it for today.
“Morning Rob,” says David Horn. “Stephen Todd (36th over) is missing the fact that Joe Root has won every toss this series. It’s not helped.”
“How do Australia manage to get permanently injured players to peak during Australian Ashes?” says Ian Forth. “To wit, Harris, Cummins. And why are England always in transition, with the exception of 2010? (They remind me of Darren Anderton, the old Spurs player, who always seemed to be just good enough to get in the team for major tournaments, then disappeared to the treatment table between times). Of course, nothing beats 2002 when England managed to arrive with three of their best players (Flintoff, Gough, Thorpe) all unavailable, and then lost their surprise fast bowler (Jones) on the first morning of the series.”
Do you know, that’s a great point – Bruce Reid in 1990-91 is another example. And it’s not injury-prone bowlers who peak at the right time: Stuart Clark played his only five-Test series in 2006-07 and top a head of wickets.
The covers are going back on. I think they need to get back on in the next 22 minutes if there is going to be any more play today.
The sun is out, the covers are coming off. It seems the Perth weather is even more unpredictable than England.
Here’s Phil Russell“Re: your line, ‘These showers tend to come and go pretty quickly.’ I think most England cricket fans following their side bat in Australia would agree...”
Ah...
Much heavier rain this time. Very windy. The punters have spoken, everyone getting out of here. #Ashes
“Hi Rob,” says Sam. “Seeing how the extra pace and accuracy of Australia’s attack is getting more out of the pitch makes me wonder. Who is coming through the English system who could stand against the Australian pace trio? English pitches may generally call for seam and swing, but still, is there anyone.....scary?”
Duncan Spencer? But seriously folks, Jamie Overton is probably the most exciting prospect. And if Mark Wood gets the right insoles…
Rainbreak chit-chat
“But Rob, when has Cook last been really IN form?” says Andrew Hurley. “And if he is ‘only’ badly out of form and not gone, what in God’s name is he doing in an Ashes series? It’s crazy.”
38.2 overs: England 132-4 (Malan 28, Bairstow 14) A sudden burst of rain takes the players off the field, with England trailing by 127. These showers tend to come and go pretty quickly, so we should get more play tonight.
38th over: England 130-4 (Malan 28, Bairstow 12) Bairstow survives an LBW appeal from Hazlewood - going down - and then thumps his third boundary through extra cover.
37th over: England 126-4 (Malan 28, Bairstow 8) Malan gets his bat down on a bit of a grubber from Cummins. “Yesss, well played!” says Geoff Boycott, whose hitherto unrequited bromance with Malan has been one of the features of this Test.
“Whilst the cricket itself is pretty demoralising for an Englishman,” begins James Clark, “it is as nothing to discovering that Ricky Ponting is an engaging, interesting, likeable and talented pundit. Honestly, we have no luck at all do we?”
36th over: England 126-4 (Malan 28, Bairstow 8) Another lovely shot from Bairstow, who gets up on his toes to punch Starc to the extra-cover boundary. He looks a level above all the other England batsmen. In fact he might be the only England player who would get in a composite XI based on performances in this series.
“I’m feeling a little disheartened by the state of the game,” says Stephen Todd. “I feel these teams have been pretty well the same over the last three ashes (including this one) and none of those series have been especially close. Are local conditions so influential that away teams have no chance? If so, what needs to restore balance? Maybe get rid of the toss and let the visitors choose?”
35th over: England 122-4 (Malan 28, Bairstow 4) Pat Cummins replaces Hazlewood. Malan pushes his first ball whence it came for four, though for a split-second it seemed like Cummins might be able to complete a full house of spectacular caught-and-bowleds after Lyon and Starc at Adelaide and Hazlewood today. That’s the first of four boundaries in the over from Malan, with two pulls followed by a steer to third man. Malan and Stoneman have surely done enough to start next summer, and Vince has a chance too. The big problem for England has been the senior batsman: Cook is averaging 14, Moeen 21 and Root 29. The senior bowlers have been a disappointment too, with the exception of Anderson.
34th over: England 106-4 (Malan 12, Bairstow 4) Bairstow gets off the mark in style, flicking Starc through midwicket for four. Right here, right now, he looks England’s best player. England should have a conversation with Bairstow at the end of this tour and implore him to give up the gloves so that he can become a world-class batsman at No4 or No5.
33rd over: England 100-4 (Malan 11, Bairstow 0) Malan is playing watchfully, with 11 from 47 balls. I really like the extent to which he has adapted his attacking game for Test cricket. In his autobiography, Steve Smith says the main reason for his success has been the ability to adapt. I’m not comparing Malan to Smith; I’m not doing that. But it’s a good quality to have.
32nd over: England 100-4 (Malan 10, Bairstow 0) If England lose another quick wicket I think this will finish tonight, weather permitting. It’s reversing appreciably for Starc and Hazlewood, and Bairstow has little chance but to play out a maiden.
Okay, make that many players in the history of the game
Unplayable leg-breaks at 90mph from Mitch Starc #Ashespic.twitter.com/zxZYupMBOr
31st over: England 100-4 (Malan 10, Bairstow 0) With the ball reverse-swinging, Steve Smith moves in for the kill by bringing back Josh Hazlewood. We’ve spoken so much about pace in this series but Australia’s superior ability to make the ball reverse has been so importance. England’s brilliant series wins in Australia (2010-11) and India (2012-13) were largely down to reverse swing, yet since then it hasn’t really happened for them. Don’t ask me why. I’m not here to tell you why. I have no idea why.
30th over: England 100-4 (Malan 10, Bairstow 0) BT Sport reckon that deviated 3.9 degrees. It was angled onto the pads, so Vince thought it was safe to flick to leg. He missed it by miles. At first I thought it was reverse swing but on reflection it hit a crack and straightened. Either way, it was the definition of unplayable. It’s a shame for James Vince, who batted so well for his 55.
Oh my good God. James Vince has been bowled by an unbelievable delivery from Mitchell Starc! That was like Wasim Akram in the 1992 World Cup final. It was angled in from around the wicket and swerved miles to beat Vince’s attempted flick to leg and thud into the stumps. That is the ball of the series. Might be the ball of the year.
29th over: England 99-3 (Vince 55, Malan 9) Vince dumps an emphatic sweep for four off Lyon. It means nothing in the grand scheme of the series, and might mean nothing in the grand scheme of James Vince’s Test career, but this is a pleasure to watch.
28th over: England 92-3 (Vince 50, Malan 7) Starc goes around the wicket in an attempt to rough up Vince. Lyon is sledging him incessantly from square leg as well. Vince calmly plays out a maiden, at the end of which Starc also imparts some four-letter technical advice.
“And even in the darkest moments,” says Gordon Pittendrigh, “there is always the light of Ricky Ponting’s face when run out by Gary Pratt.”
27th over: England 92-3 (Vince 50, Malan 7) Vince moves to 49 with a regal back-foot drive for four off Lyon, and a misfield helps him to a gorgeous fifty. He’s batting like Michael Vaughan in 2002-03.
26th over: England 87-3 (Vince 45, Malan 7) Mitchell Starc replaces Cummins, who bowled a virile spell of 6-1-15-0. There’s a soupcon of movement into Malan, who gets away with a couple of thick inside-edges.
“Sorry to open this wound, but it seems to me we can chat as much as we like about the make up of this team, but in the end so many of the problems – Mo, the lack of firepower, the flatness in the field, the pressure on the new batsmen – can be traced back to that night in Bristol,” says Pete Salmon. “Whatever the legal outcome, I think Ben Stokes might find a pretty chilly welcome if and when he walks back into the dressing room. And perhaps the rest of the team should really, really think about whether they need to keep going out and getting pissed.”
25th over: England 87-3 (Vince 45, Malan 7) Another delightful stroke from Vince, who eases back in his crease to drive Lyon square on the off side for four. I know he’ll probably nick off any second now but he is playing absolutely beautifully.
James Vince strikes me as the sort of bloke who regularly googles himself #AUSvENG
24th over: England 80-3 (Vince 40, Malan 5) After 21 balls without a run, Vince flashes a short ball from Cummins through backward point for four. That was another fine shot.
23rd over: England 76-3 (Vince 36, Malan 5) This should be a good contest between Lyon and Malan, who is using his feet at every opportunity. He comes down the track three times in that over, albeit without scoring any runs. The third of those meanders brings a check upstairs for a caught and bowled, with replays confirming that Malan hit it into the ground.
Look, dear England fan, this isn’t good, but we’ll always have these.
22nd over: England 76-3 (Vince 36, Malan 5) Vince, so fluent before tea, is looking a bit edgy now. He gets a leading edge back towards Cummins, all along the floor, and then plays around a delivery that hits a crack and flies for four leg-byes. A fine over continues with the bouncer/yorker combo, both well played by Vince. Top stuff from Cummins.
“Out of the Ashes, this series just might be the making of Stoneman, Vince, Malan and Overton,” says Ian Forth. “Test cricket’s hardly going to get much harder, after all.”
21st over: England 71-3 (Vince 36, Malan 4) Lyon is developing a nice rhythm, even though any turn he’s getting is pretty slow. A maiden to Vince.
20th over: England 71-3 (Vince 36, Malan 4) Cummins has four balls of his fourth over remaining. The first brings a big LBW appeal against Malan that is turned down by Marais Erasmus. Cool your jets big man, it pitched outside leg. There are still 41 overs remaining today, so an Australian victory is possible. Apart from Jonny Bairstow, England don’t have much batting to come.
The players are back on the field. Meantime, here’s Paul Griffin. “This, from Philip Larkin, desiccates the whole sorry watching-the-ashes-overnight horror:
I work all day, and get half-drunk at night.
Waking at four to soundless dark, I stare.
“The worst part is you can’t even say the selectors got anything wrong,” says Venugopal Mani. “Stoneman, Vince and Malan all look like they could feast on lesser attacks at home next summer. Especially with Stokes back, our view of this team could drastically change by the end of next summer.”
Yes, that’s part of the problem. When an inconsistent team reacts with a culture that encourages extreme views, a serious amount of hot air is produced.
It has stopped raining, so I reckon we’ll be OK to resume straight after tea.
19.2 overs: England 71-3 (Vince 36, Malan 4) The Barmy Army are dancing triumphantly, because it has suddenly started bucketing down at the Waca. The players peg it off the field for an early tea. England trail by 188, with Cook, Stoneman and Root all gone.
19th over: England 71-3 (Vince 36, Malan 4) A maiden from Lyon to Vince.
Wasn’t it supposed to rain?
18th over: England 71-3 (Vince 36, Malan 4) Vince works Cummins for a single. You never feel like he’s truly in, because of his propensity for loose dismissals, but at the moment he’s playing superbly.
17th over: England 70-3 (Vince 35, Malan 4) Vince caresses Lyon through extra cover for another high-class boundary. Ah, why can’t they all be like James Vince?
“Rob, I’m disappointed the Aussies declared at 662 and denied Tim Paine his 50, but I’m more annoyed they didn’t hang to declare at 666, so the cinema theme could continue by talking about ‘The Omen’,” says Declan Neil. “Incidentally, in the original 1976 film - we won’t talk about the insipid 2006 remake - the character famously decapitated by flying sheetglass was played by the great English actor, David Warner (no relation, I assume). Now that I think about it, Warner’s onscreen death was like TV coverage of a batsman losing his wicket - a fatal delivery, depicted in slow motion, from multiple angles.”
16th over: England 65-3 (Vince 30, Malan 4) “Since England didn’t have the courage to drop Cook when the Ashes were in play, despite the fact it was clear he was gone, can they at least do it now the Ashes are gone?” says Andrew Hurley. “Why not bring in the type of player the coach wants opening, someone like Hales...”
How do you know he’s gone and not just badly out of form, which he has been at various points throughout his career? What are the actual signs? He was gone in 2014, wasn’t he, as a captain and a batsman?
15th over: England 64-3 (Vince 29, Malan 4) That was the shot of a captain with a scrambled mind. It reminded me a bit of Andrew Strauss’s final dismissal in Test cricket, when he padded up to Vernon Philander at Lord’s in 2012. His dismissal leaves England waist-deep in the malodorous stuff. Malan gets off the mark with a boundary, steering Lyon to third man.
Lyon strikes with his first ball! Root tries to drive a wide, flighted delivery that finds the outside edge. The ball deflects off the gloves of Paine towards slip, where Smith takes a fine reaction catch to his right. That was a poor, absent-minded shot from Root, who can barely drag himself from the pitch.
14th over: England 60-2 (Vince 29, Root 14) Cummins replaces the excellent Hazlewood (6-2-16-2), and Vince plays a quite gorgeous back-foot drive through the covers for four. He is playing so well, and he gets four more with a soft-handed edge along the floor. England have hit 12 boundaries in the innings already.
“Been watching through the night and on my way to Heathrow for a work trip to New York and discussing cricket with the taxi driver,” says John Butler. “He’s from Pakistan and his feeling on the Ashes is that most teams win at home and lose away; simple as that. There’s data to back it up.”
13th over: England 52-2 (Vince 20, Root 14) Australia are bowling very straight, trying to maximise the cracks and any uneven bounce. When Marsh drops short, Root pulls firmly for four. Marsh is bowling too many fourballs in this spell.
12th over: England 47-2 (Vince 20, Root 10) There’s a bit of light rain around the ground, though it’s not yet strong enough to stop play. Root times Hazlewood sweetly through the covers for his first boundary, and drives another through the same region later in the over. That’s a beautiful shot. If England are to follow the precedent of South Africa 1998 and come back from the dead, Root needs to play Alec Stewart and make a big hundred in this innings.
11th over: England 39-2 (Vince 20, Root 2) Marsh drops short to Vince, who pulls smoothly round the corner for four. He looks in excellent touch here, and later in the over he clips four more through midwicket. Vince, for all his faults, has scored almost as many runs as Joe Root in this series.
“Can I sue Steve Waugh?” asks Ian Copestake. “Mental disintegration is just the start. It leads to drink, an unhealthy obsession with Mac Millings and worst of all an unhealthy obsession with Mac Millings.”
10th over: England 30-2 (Vince 12, Root 1) Vince is hit on the pad by a delivery from Hazlewood that moves prodigiously off the seam. Australia go up instinctively for LBW before aborting the appeal when they process that it would have missed leg stump by a distance. It was an ominous delivery for England, though.
9th over: England 29-2 (Vince 12, Root 0) Thanks Geoff, morning everyone. Mitchell Marsh is on to replace Mitchell Starc, who is the leading wickettaker in the series by a distance yet has arguably been the least impressive of the Australian bowlers. Marsh starts with a maiden to Vince.
“I genuinely feel sorry for a) our bowlers b) any England fan staying up for the duration and c) you, for drawing the short straw to OBO something out of this mess,” says Guy Hornsby. “And the worst thing is, we’ll probably topple over too. There’s scoreboard pressure and there’s massacre pressure. Cricket, bloody hell.”
8th over: England 29-2 (Vince 12, Root 0) 83 runs in six innings for Cook this Ashes. Times beyond merely tough. The captain is at the crease. The Australians are swarming. This match could easily end today.
That’s enough from me. Mitch Marsh is on to bowl, Rob Smyth is in the OBO chair, and I’m waving wistfully as I thank you for your company today. Bonne chance.
That is another blinder by an Australian bowler off his own work. Only Cummins hasn’t snared an absurd return catch in this series. You can’t fault Cook too much. He’d just pulled four through midwicket, then plays a defensive shot, mistimes it slightly in the air, and Hazlewood gets down low to his right in his follow-through and picks up the ball a couple of inches from the turf. One-handed, falling over, but comes up with the Kookaburra in hand and a broad smile on face.
7th over: England 25-1 (Cook 10, Vince 12) Starc targeting the pads for both batsmen. Cook clips him fine for one, Vince clips him finer for four. Starc is coming left-arm around the wicket to Vince, decreasing the chance of an edge while attacking the stumps. Vince is happy to play those reduced odds, getting just enough width to cover drive gorgeously for four! That was a less heart-in-mouth shot than the first one. Gee, he looks good when he’s going. But we all knew that.
It’s well worth mentioning, which I didn’t earlier, that James Anderson came back from his struggles of yesterday to finish with 4 for 116 from 37.3 overs. An admirable day’s work, by any estimation.
6th over: England 16-1 (Cook 9, Vince 4) Sensational from Smith. Cook plays the ball into the ground and through the cordon. It looks like four all day. But with over 650 on the board in the first innings, and having made 239 of those himself, Smith still sprints back from slip, dives after the ball, clips it back with one hand a few inches inside the rope, crashes to the ground, bounces up and back into the field of play, collects the missile, and fires it from fine leg back to the non-striker’s end in one long throw. Absolutely sensational stuff. Inspiring for one side, demoralising for the other.
5th over: England 13-1 (Cook 6, Vince 4) Width from Starc, and Vince throws the hands out wide and gets all of it through cover. Nailed it but it’s a risky stroke. The bowlers won’t mind. In an excellent piece of radio commentary (for my tastes), Gerard Whateley has just likened James Vince and the cover drive to Bart Simpson and the electrified cupcake. “It doesn’t matter how many times it shocks him, he just keeps going for it.”
4th over: England 9-1 (Cook 6, Vince 0) Hazlewood as dangerous as ever. Beats Cook with a beauty, angle and cut, after four balls probing away in the channel. So accurate. It’s a maiden.
3rd over: England 9-1 (Cook 6, Vince 0) Not to worry, says Cook. As he gets a ball on his pads from Starc and whips it away for four. All the way down to long leg. Follows it up with a single to midwicket. Starc not quite on his best line to the left hander.
This is a very interesting question from Sarah Jane Bacon. “The past few days have heaved with new and startling facts. Since there are so many stattos floating about, both professional and amateur types, is there anyone in a position to tell me the DRS success rate as it goes down the order? It appears to me that the recent attempt by Cummins - as with the one made yesterday (on Jimmy’s orders), or Any Appeal By Broad - are muddle-headed (or desperate) in the extreme. And yet, one would think that bowlers would have the edge and experience for these things. They are in the right position for it, right?”
2nd over: England 4-1 (Cook 1, Vince 0) James Vince to the wicket in the second over of the game. Survives the solitary ball remaining.
Less bright with Hazlewood bowling. He hits the crack, bowling across the left-handed Stoneman. The ball stays very low, though it was going well wide of the stumps. Stoneman is flummoxed by the bounce, and Paine scoops the ball up off the ground. Stoneman gets a short one that he tries to pull but it doesn’t get up high enough, and then Hazlewood takes advantage with one on a perfect length, teasing line, draws Stoneman into the defensive shot, looked like his weight was a bit too much on his back foot waiting for a bumper, and in the end he just followed that ball a bit. It moved a fraction off the seam, and takes the edge.
1st over: England 4-0 (Cook 1, Stoneman 3) Here. We. Go. Cook isn’t hiding, he’s taking the first ball from Mitchell Starc. He’s taken a lot of stick from the press and the public, poor old Alastair, but you can’t deny that he keeps fronting up. Takes some resilience. There’s a strong breeze just about trying to rip Mitchell Starc’s whites from his body. He looks like a flagpole out there: a terrifying mobile flagpole that chases you, like something from a Paul Jennings story. But he’s not scaring Cook yet, who leaves, then gets a misdirected ball glanced for one. Stoneman glides a couple of runs, then dinks his own single square. Cook defends the last. Bright start for England.
One straight from the Nick Emery board. “While we’re on the subject of underwhelming English cricket captains and their likenesses in the arts, I’ve been pondering Joe Root’s uncanny likeness to Latvian singer Vitas (of internet meme fame). For your delectation, a ten-minute long loop of his most famous creation.”
I like that someone named Emery has sent me both a clip and a file.
Right then. Four and... five sixths of a session to go. Some rain forecast later today. Morning storm and some showers predicted tomorrow. A pitch starting to run wild, Nick Barker style. Cracks opening, some balls jagging or keeping low. Fast bowlers to target England. Tired batsmen after two days in the field. No chance of a win, without someone belting 300 off 180 balls, but some chance of a draw if England can bat their way to a lead. That will take a prodigious effort, but for now it remains possible. The Ashes on the line. Stand by.
179.3 overs: Australia 662-9 (Paine 49) Lyon only had one job to do. He flat-bats a boundary just over Jimmy Anderson’s head, then tries again and sends it high in the air. Moeen trots in from mid-on to take it calmly in cupped hands, and both batsmen immediately run from the field. Neat freaks back me up: I hate when they declare halfway through an over. Have some decency. Also, Paine is left on 49. “Just wait until they’re saying ‘Hasn’t scored a fifty since...’” mutters my Guardian colleague Ali Martin.
179th over: Australia 658-8 (Paine 49, Lyon 0) T-Paine’s best cricket in recent years has been for the Hobart Hurricanes, and he shows a bit of that style here. Skips down at Broad and creams the ball over mid-on for four, one bounce just inside the rope. Flat and crisp, like biting into a rice cracker.Paine blocks the next, then swats at the last of the over outside off, but his cut shot misses.
Andrew Barker isn’t just the reptile whisperer, he’s a weatherman and expert Perthling. “I can understand there will be a certain amount of praying for the weather forecast being accurate. OBOers of a northern hemisphere persuasion may well imagine summer rain of a gentle, soaking variety that soothes the soul and acts as a balm for aching limbs (and ribs).
178th over: Australia 654-8 (Paine 45) Anderson has now swung around to the Lillee-Marsh stand end, after taking his wickets this morning fro the Prindiville Stand end. There’s a westerly wind blowing across the ground. The commentators question the move, and Anderson immediately bowls a straight one with the last ball of the over. Cummins misses, sends it to DRS because... why not, and learns it is hitting leg stump flush. The start of the session works for England again. No declaration, as Nathan ‘Nathan’ Lyon comes to the crease. That was Anderson’s 50th wicket for the year.
177th over: Australia 652-7 (Paine 45, Cummins 41) Australia will bat on after lunch. Alastair Cook is still standing at first slip, having been in the field for literally days. He’ll then have to run off, pad up, and come back and bat within 10 minutes of any declaration (or three more wickets). Chris Rogers on ABC radio is suggesting that maybe he wouldn’t mind having Australia bat on. “Every over that goes, every minute, that’s one less you have to face.” Broad plonks it wide, and Cummins slaps the second of the over through cover for four. Maybe the AUssies are hitting the Go button here. Cummins drops a run off his gloves, Paine gets a leg-side short ball and swivels it through fine leg for four.
Ouch.
@GeoffLemonSport I had a bet with a mate that Cummins' batting average would be higher than Broad's bowling average for the series. I was confident, but I didn't think he'd have to average plus 60 to win this.
Right then. I’ve just had a salad with a spicy mustard vinaigrette, and regular OBO readers will know that nothing fires me up like a spicy mustard vinaigrette.* Second session, let’s do this!
*I have never previously mentioned vinaigrettes. Indeed, I don’t think I’ve ever previously thought about vinaigrettes. What are they, just tiny vinegars?
I leave you with this to ponder over your sandwiches.
I give you the Cook or Picasso conundrum ... pic.twitter.com/zMYLy5gobg
It is also the eighth time in Test history that five bowlers have gone for over a hundred in an innings. The Australian team has inflicted five of those. So says Ric Finlay, who was wrong once in 1979, and even then it was about something he was right about.
England did well at the start to get rid of the two overnight men and stop a real onslaught taking place, and got the bonus run-out of the dangerous Starc. But any good vibes have mostly evaporated with a partnership of 82 runs at 4.3 an over between a No9 bowler and a wicketkeeper who hasn’t played cricket for about a decade. Good grief, England.
176th over: Australia 643-7 (Paine 41, Cummins 36) Moeen Ali to continue. Off breaks. Lunch imminent. Paine gets a single, Cummins gets down and sweeps four. Got that nice and fine, and it runs away. This just keeps hurting England. Not as much as this next ball though. Drops to one knee and slog-sweeps onto the hill! Out in front of the old War Memorial Scoreboard out there. Weathershield, says the logo on it, and we might need a weathershield later. Whateley and Dirk Nannes on the radio are talking about Aiden Blizzard hitting a six over that scoreboard - no weather shield from that winter storm.
Here’s Sam.
This exchange a few years ago between my dad and uncle still makes me chuckle.
(Something about planes or Tottenham)
175th over: Australia 631-7 (Paine 40, Cummins 25) Just the three singles in the Broad over. Australia still taking their time. England still not taking the new ball. Presumably they don’t want to give Australia a nice hard ball to tee off with.
Here’s Andrew Barker again, coming up to see us and make us smile. “Mark Turner has opened a can of worms! Puffer fish are poisonous by virtue of the tetrodotoxin (a small molecule reputed to be the most toxic substance by weight for us, but which puffer fish are resistant to) that accumulates in their liver. Snake venoms are complex mixtures of enzymes and other proteins that are produced in venom glands evolved from their salivary glands. These are subjected to normal digestive processes which is why a snake can bite its prey and then eat it without dying.”
174th over: Australia 628-7 (Paine 38, Cummins 24) Moeen on from the River End again. Cummins sweeps him for three to long leg. Overton puts in the big dive, saves the run, but he’s finally done too much with that rib. he’s going off the field for treatment. Can’t claim that he hasn’t put in every possible effort.
All of the England bowlers are OverTon#Ashes@GeoffLemonSport
173rd over: Australia 624-7 (Paine 37, Cummins 21) “Following from a chilly Seoul” is Alan Chivers. “I think Smith is missing a trick here. The pitch is doing this for our pace, what will the Aussie pace attack do?! The kicker is the predicted rain. No point batting on now.” I’d tend to agree, on all those fronts. Especially putting them in for 20 minutes before lunch. But we’re down to 14 minutes available, so it looks like they’ll bat on into the second session.
Against Broad, they watch, watch, and attack. Paine knocks a single, Cummins deflects a leg bye from his arm guard. Lucky he was wearing it, as that short ball hit his elbow and flew away. But again Broad gets whacked off the last ball, square driven perfectly by Paine to beat the sweeper.
172nd over: Australia 618-7 (Paine 32, Cummins 21) Craig Overton back into the attack, good signs for him given he has a cracked rib, but bad signs for England that they needed to call upon him. He’s been excellent in this match, the one who really looks like he wants to be there. Dived hard in the field, bowled with heart, and often looked the only threat. Cummins glides a single, and raises the fifty partnership. It’s been an innocuous one, barely noticed the score creep up. They add more to it, as Cummins pulls two, squats to glide one more with a horizontal bat from a full ball, then Paine drives three into the covers. The lead is 215.
“The venom glands, actually,” emails Mark Turner again. “This pedantry game is fun.” I content than venom glands are poisnous, old mate. Either way, it matches nicely with Cricket Australia’s promotional Ashes hashtag: Beaten Gland.
171st over: Australia 610-7 (Paine 28, Cummins 17) It doesn’t look fun out there. Broad hits Paine on the thigh pad, leg bye. Concedes another single. His figures now read 0 for 121. The ABC statistician Ric Finlay chimes in on the airwaves. “Prior to today, Stuart Broad’s least productive bowling was 0 for 118, against South Africa at The Oval. There are still a couple of wickets to fall today, but...”
“It’s a big but,” responds Gerard Whateley. I like big buts, and I cannot lie.
170th over: Australia 608-7 (Paine 28, Cummins 16) Woakes to Cummins, who is again immaculate as he gets up on his toes and punches behind point for three more runs, raising the 600 for Australia. The chase back saves the four. Gets the strike back, then Cummins clips two more runs through square leg, then repeats the back foot punch for four! Beats point, got more width that time, and didn’t try to smash it. So crisp. He undoes the impression a bit with a loose drive that misses the ball.
@GeoffLemonSport Can we please keep the snake talk to a minimum. I live in W.A and will probably have to do some gardening to deal with some longish grass later. I can put the fear of snake god into myself without your help.
169th over: Australia 598-7 (Paine 27, Cummins 7) “That has gone an absolute mile,” says Simon Katich on ABC radio. The crack is playing havoc. Stuart Broad has literally bowled a leg-break, in terms of movement. It’s gone a foot away towards slip. Paine misses it by the width of several bats. The next ball goes the other way, off the seam, and this time it jags down leg, clips the pad nad goes for leg byes. Four of them. Next ball, edged and four! He’s gone softly at it, Paine, and that saved him. It goes to ground, between keeper and slip. Paine is then cut in half as he tries an awkward pull to a ball that wasn’t short enough and moved again.“That crack is in Tim Paine’s mind. He’s got budgies flying around in there,” says Katich in a unique turn of phrase.
168th over: Australia 590-7 (Paine 23, Cummins 7) More worry for England’s batsmen, as Woakes gets a ball to keep very low. It landed on the crack and scooted on towards Cummins, who didn’t know much about it. In the end his defensive shot clipped the ball with the toe of the bat bat, and it half-volleyed through to Jonny Bairstow. Lucky it wasn’t aimed straight or it would have been straight onto the stumps. That was just after a bouncer that had skipped over Cummins’ head. Batting here tomorrow, if we get that far, will be fun. Maiden.
167th over: Australia 590-7 (Paine 23, Cummins 7) Stuart Broad is on at last, and so nearly bowls a good over. There’s another possible run-out kerfuffle, with the ball hitting stumps at the non-striker’s end, but CUmmins was back. Paine watches the next four balls, defends them all, then feels he’s reading the line and pace well enugh to just play a gentle glide through the cordon for four. Only a slip and a gully, and that went along the ground.
“Not aware Nick Barker or the reptiles are relations,” Andrew Barker writes back. “A pity; as someone who was booed off by the music teacher at school I’d like to have that sort of comeback. And somebody buy H.S. Mani Deep a beer.”
166th over: Australia 586-7 (Paine 19, Cummins 7) We’ve just had the drinks break. Woakes bowls short and Paine pulls a run, fine. Cummins leaves a few, blocks a few, ducks one. He looks super confident at the crease. Admire his style. The lead is 183.
Mark Turner has had enough of our pedantry. “I dunno. Eat a snake and it’s bloody well poisonous.” You’d have to eat the poison glands. Like when Homer eats the puffer fish.
165th over: Australia 585-7 (Paine 18, Cummins 7) T-Paine doing this nicely. Chops another pair of pairs away through point from Anderson, then adds a single to his tally. Not overdoing anything at this stage. Then Cummins celebrates the end of the over with a proper nick, but wide of Cook at a floating slip, and bouncing before the nominal cordon anyway. It flies away for four.
Have you noticed @jimmy9 looks very like Dirk Bogarde? #bbccricket (pics from TMS and https://t.co/a6ZrcAZZy0…) @GeoffLemonSport@bbctmspic.twitter.com/HrBc0ct4R1
164th over: Australia 576-7 (Paine 13, Cummins 3) Another maiden for Woakes to Cummins. I think England bowled one maiden in total yesterday? Woakes with a few at the stumps, a couple of bouncers. “Just another pedantic correction,” writes H.S. Mani Deep. “Snakes are venomous and not poisonous.”
163rd over: Australia 576-7 (Paine 13, Cummins 3) Paine given out! But overturned on review. For a minute, Anderson had his third. The review was just in case, but that ball jagged back a long way from a crack, so there was always a pretty big variable. That looked out, as Paine went down in a partial crouch and was struck on the bottom run of the knee roll. But DRS shows the angle off the crack taking the ball past leg stump, and the bounce taking it high. Another of those ones that doesn’t tally with the naked eye. Many an umpire through history would have given that one out. Paine collects himself, then flashes and misses at a ball outside off. That one took off too, this time bouncing high froma goodlength. Disconcerting signs abound for England’s second batting innings. Paine chops a couple of runs through cover to end the eventful over.
162nd over: Australia 574-7 (Paine 11, Cummins 3) Not running wild this time. Paine adds a deuce and a single from Woakes. But wait - this is not the first dog-snake combination in history. Chinese astrology aside, we also have the precedent of that fine musical outfit, Nick Barker and the Reptiles. Andrew must surely have some connection. What a tune. Guitar!
161st over: Australia 571-7 (Paine 8, Cummins 3) Utterly gawwwwwgeous square drive from Patrick Cummins. That is not the shot of a No9 batsman. Opened the face, struck it crisp as you like, and only a quarter stop at point kept it to three rather than four. Anderson gives width and there’s no saving that one, as Paine slashes over backward point for four.
Some pedant corrections are annoying, but this from Andrew Barker brings only love. “Geoff - there are no vipers in Australia, all of our poisonous snakes are elapids. Which begs the question, which of our local nasties is most likely hiding in the WACA undergrowth? Dugites? Tiger snakes? (don’t tell the visitors how they got that name!). Death adders? Or just a few magpies waiting for another crack at the visiting batsmen?”
160th over: Australia 563-7 (Paine 3, Cummins 0) Woakes to Paine, full and straight, attacking stuff. Paine just blocks out the maiden. We ahven’t seen a replay of that lbw shout that caused Starc’s run out, but he may well have been out on first glance. I for one think we should bring the double-play into cricket.
“What a wonderfully cinematic start to today’s OBO. First, apparently the 93 year old Czech film director František Vláčil making Cricviz jokes (an obscure and indecipherable reference?), followed by Declain’s reference to the great Werner Herzog. Anderson to script the rest.” Timestamps can testify that Bene typed that before the Smith dismissal.
159th over: Australia 563-7 (Paine 3, Cummins 0) Suddenly the Australian plan to lash a few quick runs has been derailed. Just the single from Anderson, who is running in with a renewed sense of purpose.
Robert Wilson is at his mother-of-pearl typewriter again. “I’m not sure that the game of cricket does actually chastise us for the sin of assumption as you feared in your preamble. The Gods of Cricket are too spindle-shanked and hapless to get any real fire and brimstone going. They’re up there on their mountain crag (more a kind of mild hill really), practising forward defensives with olive branches and leafing through old Wisdens in search of the numinous. There are Seraphim and Cherubim but they’re mostly into T20 these days and have let things slide. So, really you’ve no worries about hubris or the Fall. Cricket Valhalla is really a bit shit.”
158th over: Australia 562-7 (Paine 2, Cummins 0) Now Paine’s nearly run out! Another hesitation after he punches to point, then has to go this time. The throw misses at the non-striker’s end, and Vince misses the chance to have two run-outs in two balls. Has anyone very had a hat-trick of run outs? Woakes to Cummins now, who’s starting off as exactly the batsman-looking batsman he has been throughout this series.
157th over: Australia 561-7 (Paine 1) “Very good, Mr Anderson.” Suddenly Jimmy’s figures read 2 for 91. Not worth framing, but much better than none-for. “Then you realise Starc’s about to make a hundred,” says a defeated Jonathan Liew to my right. Except he isn’t, because Paine is struck on the pad, the batsmen try to distract from the appeal by running a leg bye, the ball is picked up by Vince at cover, the batsmen are in the middle of the pitch together, and in the end Starc goes past Paine to sacrifice himself as the bails are taken off at the striker’s end. You could say the wheels have fallen off, although by the time they did, Australia had already used the chariot to trample its enemies into the dirt. Still, if you take Test cricket day by day, this is a happy one for England.
Yes, time to recycle the old Bradman headline.
Smith lbw Anderson 239 (Australia 560-6)
156th over: Australia 560-5 (Smith 239, Paine 1) Another lovely shot from Smith, open face and glided away through third man for four.
155th over: Australia 555-5 (Smith 234, Paine 1) Oh, Steven. Just in case England’s bowlers were feeling bullish, he whips Anderson’s first ball through square for four. Then follows up with a single to the same spot. And there’s a massive deviation off a crack to Paine, which doesn’t bother him too much but will bother England’s batsmen as they face Starc and Cummins later.
Ian Forth is writing in to quote the famous (infamous?) weatherman Michael Fish, before the storm of the century in 1987. “A woman has written into say there’s a hurricane on its way to England from France! Well, if you’re watching, don’t worry, there isn’t…”
154th over: Australia 550-5 (Smith 229, Paine 1) Chris Woakes rather than Stuart Broad to start the day. A little something in that, perhaps. Broad hasn’t been a figure of potency this series. Woakes with the breeze pushing across his left shoulder as he delivers, coming in from the River End. Anderson was bowling into the zephry. Woakes delivers a maiden to Paine.
“So, Geoff, as an Englander, sell this to me,” writes Ian Copestake. “Why should I tune in to this (the match, not your coverage)? I have no leaning towards the Marquis de Sade so am hesitating watching more of the same.”
153rd over: Australia 550-5 (Smith 229, Paine 1) Writes Declan Neil, “Geoff, the Barmy Army’s jaunty conga line in light of the historic Smith/Marsh onslaught yesterday reminded me of nothing so much as the doomed, plague-ridden townsfolk of Wismar, accepting their fate and making merry, in Werner Herzog’s “Nosferatu the Vampyre” (1979). The Danse Macabre, I believe.”
More of a spring in the Barmy step now, after Jerusalem did the trick second ball. Tim Paine off the mark with a single. Can I still write a Mitch Marsh piece tonight after he faced two balls?
Second ball of the day. Uses the DRS review - he might as well, they have two left - but it won’t help this time. Anderson’s first ball is blocked, but his second shapes into Marsh just a touch, beats the inside edge, and nails his back pad. It’s high, feels high, and he reviews just in case. But DRS shows it to be just kissing the top of the middle stump. Millimetrical stuff. Finally, a breakthrough for England.
Sacralicious.
Ahead of the resumption of play, Smith & Marsh currently hold the 11th highest 5th wicket stand in Test history (301*).
Coming up:
10. Dravid/Laxman (303)
9. Lara/Adams (322)
8. Langer/Ponting (327)
7. Border/S.Waugh (332*)
6. Clarke/Hussey (334*)
5. Smith/DeVilliers (338)
4. Al Hasan/Rahim (359)
3. Laxman/Dravid (376)
2. S.Waugh/Blewett (385)
1. Barnes/Bradman (405)#Ashes
Of course, as ever. On the Twitter machine at @GeoffLemonSport, or the email at geoff.lemon@theguardian.com. The teams are coming out onto the field.
“Regarding Bene’s history,” emails František Vláčil, “171 years ago presumably also being the last time Steve Smith played a false stroke. Before Cricviz records began.”
Ah, but remember 2010? Those cuffs over midwicket from a happy basher? He still averaged 50 in the Shield then, but we weren’t sure he was much good. Things have changed so fast.
Sun’s out, Jenny Gunns out. There is some sunshine at the WACA, as well as belts of thick cloud. Tell you what, England might wish they could give the wily England bowler Jenny Gunn a trundle. Anderson and Broad have so far taken 0 for 197 between them in the match, and England yesterday was a side bereft of ideas. Dawid Malan didn’t get on with his part-time spinners until the score was at 500, and Steve Smith gave a backhanded compliment when he nominated Malan as the pick of the spinners. Moeen Ali bowled with the breeze at his back, which was a defensive ploy to stop him being launched down the ground, but also an insane waste of the Fremantle Doctor that should be used to aid your quicks. Ideas must come quickly this morning for Eng-er-land.
Speaking of the women’s cricket team, why don’t you go and drop a vote for Anya Shrubsole in the BBC Sports Personality of the Year poll? She took six-for-bugger-all to steal a World Cup from a well-set India on the biggest stage of all at Lord’s this July, as well as winning England’s semi-final with the bat. Brilliant competitor who has hit another level this year. And the only cricketer on the poll, so let’s get her some cricket support.
Now, if you haven’t listened to the Jason Gillespie episode yet, do yourself a favour. I don’t just say this because it’s my podcast, but because our subject offered up an incredibly candid and at times quite moving interview, covering political and philosophical subjects as well as those cricket ones in which he’s so well versed. Actually he’s quite well versed across the board.
You can subscribe for the Ashes and beyond via the iTunes link here, or listen on the Guardian site at the link below. And with 40 minutes until play begins, that will fill the time nicely.
Related: The Final Word: Jason Gillespie on Pat Cummins and Australia's bowling riches – podcast
Our reader Bene is trawling the historical records. “Forecast says no rain in Perth until 1900 hrs. Its currently -2°C here in Durham, UK. Apparently it has snowed only twice in Perth since records began 171 years ago, and even then, only in the hills. Might have to strike this off the list of potential English saving graces.”
On the flipside, this is the first time in my career that I’ve gone the WACA wearing a jacket.
“The weather,” says the American poet Derrick Brown. “Tell us how we feel about the weather. Talk about the moon, but not about how it f**ks up our blood.”
Little matters to the cricket lover more than the elements, I know.
And another hello(BO) as we start another day on the world’s favourite near-live broader spectrum international cricket micro-blogging service. If you are joining us an England supporter, you’re a brave soul; if you’re joining us as an Australian supporter, you must have a smile on your face like a kid about to start a particularly steep toboggan run; if you’re joining us as a neutral lover of cricket, then you are probably wishing there was slightly more of a contest, while also no doubt appreciating the artistry and historical nature of the achievements that have taken one side so far ahead.
And bear in mind, it’s not even that far ahead, in conventional terms. Australia lead by 146, four wickets down, and a good bowling session could keep that under 200, and a good batting effort could set a tricky target on the fifth day, or at least ensure a draw - but the way England’s players were hammered flat yesterday, there is no sense that any of those things has the remotest chance of happening.
Geoff will be here shortly. In the meantime have a read of Vic Marks’ report on a glorious day for the Australians.
Related: Steve Smith’s double ton has Australia motoring out of England’s Ashes sight
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