Eighteen wickets fell on a dramatic second day in Barbados, with England blown away for 77 by the brilliance of Kemar Roach and Jason Holder
That’s it for tonight’s blog - I’ll leave you with Vic Marks’ match report from Barbados. Goodnight!
Related: West Indies steady ship after ripping through England as wickets tumble
The highlight of the day’s play was Kemar Roach’s blistering five-for. Here’s what Ali Martin made of it.
Related: Kemar Roach is West Indies’ raging fire on a day to stir nostalgia | Ali Martin
That’s the end of a dramatic day, in which 18 wickets fell and England were blown away for 77. West Indies will almost certainly win this match, despite a proud bowling performance from England in the evening session.
36th over: West Indies 127-6 (Dowrich 27, Holder 7) Jason Holder survives a huge LBW from Curran, bowling around the wicket. England have wasted their reviews so there’s nothing they can do about it, although replays show it would have been Umpire’s Call.
That’s a useful wicket for England just before the close. Hetmyer tries to drive Curran and slices it towards point, where Buttler takes a comfortbale catch. That’s Sam Curran’s first wicket of the match, and it keeps England’s gossamer-thin victory hopes alive.
35th over: West Indies 120-5 (Hetmyer 31, Dowrich 27) Ten minutes or so until the close. Rashid continues, having disappeared for 13 in his first over; this time he is milked for four singles. West Indies lead by 332.
34th over: West Indies 116-5 (Hetmyer 29, Dowrich 25) Sam Curran replaces Ben Stokes. It seems Jimmy Anderson’s body has gone on strike in protest at England’s batting performance. Curran beats Hetmyer with a good delivery, and that’s about it.
33rd over: West Indies 115-5 (Hetmyer 29, Dowrich 24) Adil Rashid comes on to replace Moeen Ali, so Hetmyer slog-sweeps him for a mighty six. All due respect. A couple of singles bring up a superb, order-restoring fifty partnership from 69 balls. Hetmyer cuts the last ball, a piece of filth, for four to make it 13 from the over. West Indies lead by 327.
32nd over: West Indies 102-5 (Hetmyer 18, Dowrich 22) Ben Stokes’ spell continues into an 11th over. He is ramming everything in short, but it’s coming off the pitch fairly slowly now and the West Indies batsmen are surviving comfortably.
31st over: West Indies 101-5 (Hetmyer 18, Dowrich 21) Hetmyer drives Moeen confidently over mid-off, though he only gets a single because of the man on the boundary. Dowrich then makes room to flash a cut stroke for three more. This has been a fine partnership, especially as they came together after West Indies had collapsed from 60 for one to 61 for five.
30th over: West Indies 95-5 (Hetmyer 16, Dowrich 17) Stokes has one more over for the road - the tenth of his spell - and hits Dowrich in the chest with a good short ball. A maiden from Stokes, who has bowled superbly in this match.
29th over: West Indies 95-5 (Hetmyer 16, Dowrich 17) There are 35 minutes’ play remaining.
28th over: West Indies 91-5 (Hetmyer 14, Dowrich 16) Stokes has gone into Enforcer Mode. I’m not sure England need to do that just yet, and I’d be tempted to have a look at Anderson from this end.
27th over: West Indies 89-5 (Hetmyer 13, Dowrich 15) One from Moeen’s over, most of which I spent catching my breath.
26th over: West Indies 88-5 (Hetmyer 13, Dowrich 14) Stokes’ first ball is lifted majestically over mid-on for four by the brilliant Hetmyer, which takes West Indies’ lead up to 300. Stokes smiles, and does so again when he rams a short ball past Hetmyer’s chest. There’s a burgeoning competitive bromance going on between these two, and it’s great fun to watch.
“Hi,” says David Murray. “So, if England have to chase no more than 350 they surely have a good chance to win this - the game hasn’t gone on long enough for the pitch to have deteriorated too much. And they have 10 players capable of scoring runs (in theory). The selection might be vindicated, although they probably should have chosen 11 batters and left out Anderson.”
25th over: West Indies 84-5 (Hetmyer 9, Dowrich 14) Hetmyer boffs Moeen effortlessly over long off for six, the logical response to an unfolding crisis. Dowrich does the same later in the over, swiping a big six over long on. In the circumstances, that’s some impressively testicular batting.
“Is the pitch so bad that 17 wickets should be tumbling (and we’re not finished yet)?” asks Adam Roberts.
24th over: West Indies 71-5 (Hetmyer 2, Dowrich 8) The great Jeff Dujon is in a foul mood in the commentary box, and is talking as if West Indies have thrown this game away. The English commentators aren’t exactly singing Three Lions, either, so there’s a game of onedownmanship (to use Mac Millings’ lovely word) going on.
Dowrich gets off a pair with consecutive boundaries off Stokes. They were cracking shots, too, a pull shot followed by a wristy flick through square leg.
23rd over: West Indies 63-5 (Hetmyer 2, Dowrich 0) Hetmyer gets off the mark with an expansive drive over extra cover for two. That’s a brave/dangerous shot in the circumstances. Moeen then appeals for LBW when Hetmyer falls over a drifting yorker. I’m pretty sure he got some bat on it, but even if he didn’t it was probably drifting past leg.
“It’s p’ing it down with rain in New Jersey,” says J Sims, adding ‘rain’ for clarification. ‘It’s gone from minus 5 to plus 16 C in 24 hours. And now the boys go from world beaters to schmucks to ... a Windies collapse? All in three sessions. I can’t take it - and I can’t have a beer for another few hours. Please make it stop.”
22nd over: West Indies 61-5 (Hetmyer 0, Dowrich 0) A wicket maiden from Stokes. This is all very Lord’s 2000, isn’t it?
Also, like the man said... (NB: The clip below contains lively language.)
What the bloody blazes?! Stokes has got rid of Shai Hope, caught expertly at short leg by Keaton Jennings after an inside-edge onto the pad. England have taken four wickets for one run and five wickets for nine.
21st over: West Indies 61-4 (Hope 3, Hetmyer 0) England are all out of reviews after that. Hetmyer and Stokes had a playful chat at the end of the over, during which Hetmyer seemed to suggest any noise came from his gold chain hitting his helmet.
Hetmyer survives. It was extremely close to the glove but there’s nothing on Ultra-Edge so the original decision stands.
This could be a third wicket in the over for Moeen. Hetmyer offered no stroke outside off stump but Stokes was convinced the ball brushed his glove.
Two wickets in three balls! Chase edges Moeen to slip, where the inevitable Stokes takes a brilliant reaction catch to his right.
Darren Bravo completes a miserable return to Test cricket by edging a good ball from Moeen to slip, where Stokes takes a smart low catch. England are going to lose but they can take a few West Indies batsmen with them in this innings. Bravo will certainly go into the second Test low on confidence after making 2 and 1 in this match.
20th over: West Indies 61-2 (Hope 3, Bravo 1) “This last few hours certainly cleared the head,” says Guy Hornsby. “I didn’t even miss an hour and the innings was gone. Like popping out for a pint and coming home to find your house burnt down. There’s an Ashes pun in there somewhere. I wonder how much this pitch would’ve turned on day 4 and 5? We will, categorically, never know.”
I can’t remember the last time England misjudged a pitch this badly. The first Test in India in 1992-93, perhaps? (They picked four quicks on a raging turner, and Graeme Hick ended with match figures of 5 for 28.)
This will sit alongside the infamous Chris Rogers LBW at Lord’s in 2013 as one of the more disgusting wickets in Test history. Stokes bowls a miserable wide half-tracker, falls over in the process, and is on all fours when Campbell toe-ends an attempted pull shot straight to cover.
Related: Ugly exit of Australia's Chris Rogers raises heat on DRS and umpires | Vic Marks
Thanks Daniel, hello again. Well, that’s it from me, goodnight!
19th over: West Indies 58-1 (Campbell 31, Hope 3) You’ve got to laugh. Moeen finds turn and bounce - a rarity - Campbell edges - and it drops short of Stokes at one. Of course it does!
“The last time England had two 50 opening partnerships in the same match was against Bangladesh in March 2010,” emails Matt Emerson. Surely Smyth could have worked that out...?
18th over: West Indies 57-1 (Campbell 30, Hope 3) There’s a problem with the ball - a flap of leather sticking out of it, and it being bowled at West Indies, not England. Campbell turns one away for one, then Hope gets away with two to cover. How about: the English batsmen have to spend all night sitting in amongst the Barmy Army. Five off the over.
17th over: West Indies 52-1 (Campbell 27, Hope 0) “Here’s a view of England capitulating, as witnessed from the Greenidge and Haynes stand,” emails my colleague Graham Snowdon. “There aren’t too many Windies fans here today but there is no shortage of interest around the island, hopefully the game situation will bring people out in force tomorrow. Feeling here is that Windies just bowled brilliantly. It’s been a treat to watch.”
If that wasn’t these, that’d be fair - they did bowl brilliantly - but this happens so often that you’ve got to blame the batsmen who didn’t find a way, too. Brilliant bowling shouldn’t necessarily mean 77 all out.
Brathwaite gets a straightish one, presses forward, steps back, and can’t get his front foot out of the way so has to play around it, missing - it bumps him low, and he more or less walks. England needed that (along with nine other wickets for -100 runs).
16th over: West Indies 51-0 (Brathwaite 24, Campbell 27) I hope Stuart Broad has collected his bedbugs - I can think of several good homes for them. Anyway, Stokes zips one past Campbell’s edge - a bit fuller and he’s in business - then single followed by a punch down the ground for two brings up another fifty partnership. That’s two in the match - I wonder when England last had two.
15th over: West Indies 48-0 (Brathwaite 22, Campbell 26) Oooh yes, lovely from Campbell, who’s beginning to enjoy himself. He absolutely clouts a sweep to square leg fo fo, then ambles through for a single bunted to mid on, and England are absolutely all sorts.
14th over: West Indies 43-0 (Brathwaite 22, Campbell 21) After Campbell takes a single, Stokes bangs one in and Brathwaite leaps into a convulsion, diverting from armpit to square leg and adding another; more or less the same thing then happens to Campbell.
“Just got in from work, and did a cartoon character double-take on seeing 77 all out,” says Kim Thonger, “but really this has been an accident waiting to happen. I’ve lost count of the number of times the ‘middle order/all rounders have got the ‘proper’ batsmen out of jail. The worst thing is, this may just be the first part of a trilogy. London buses arrive in threes. Perhaps collapses do as well.”
13th over: West Indies 40-0 (Brathwaite 21, Campbell 19) Stasguru genius RA Smyth notes that Jennings’ swashbuckling 17 was the lowest highest score in a completed England Test since 1998 and the joint third-lowest ever. That’s one to tell the little Beakerlings and Beakerlettes. Moeen wheels through a maiden.
12th over: West Indies 40-0 (Brathwaite 21, Campbell 19) Binyomin Stokes has the ball, and riboino shel eilom do England need something from him. And he nearly delivers, Campbell pulling a bouncer than got big on him and only getting half, but seeing the ball drop safe while he runs two. Ahahahahaha. Next, Stokes clatters the pad and likes it a lot, but that was going well down.
“This is hilarious,” emails Phil Harrison. “I think what I’d like to see now is a bunch of dropped catches off Anderson’s bowling. In for a penny, in for a pound...”
11th over: West Indies 38-0 (Brathwaite 21, Campbell 17) Campbell extracts some revenge on Moeen, who took his wicket in the first innings, getting down on one knee to thrump him into the stands for six via slog-sweep! He goes again too, but this time a low one finds the sweeper.
10th over: West Indies 31-0 (Brathwaite 21, Campbell 10) One to Brathwaite, eased to square leg, then Campbell takes two to cover and two more to midwicket. This is not that difficult for them, and a further single follows; this has gone perfectly for West Indies.
“A punishment for the batsmen?” emails Matt Dony. “I suggest forcing them to listen to the music of George Ezra. I’ve been asked to play at some friends’ wedding on Saturday, and so have been forced to learn Shotgun. If I have to suffer, so should others. On the upside, looks like I won’t be missing any cricket on Saturday evening...”
9th over: West Indies 25-0 (Brathwaite 20, Campbell 5) Moeen into the attack, and Campbell shoves his third ball to cover for one. I’m a little surprised it wasn’t Stokes on first change, because I’d give Curran a couple more from around, but here we are. Brathwaite takes a single too, and the lead is now 237.
8th over: West Indies 23-0 (Brathwaite 19, Campbell 4) Shmiel Curran tries from around and seems to have found a more challenging line, whipping into the stumps rather than slanting across them. He sends down a maiden, but one that elicits a leading edge and forcing Brathwaite to play at four of the first five balls - the other was a bouncer. But yerman is waiting for the sixth, skipping into a push to mid-off that yields two.
7th over: West Indies 21-0 (Brathwaite 17, Campbell 4) Brathwaite nurdles a single, and will know that if he sees Anderson away, there are easier runs to be had. Not that the others can’t bowl, they can, but they’re not greats. A single apiece follows.
“Smart stuff from England,” tweets Gary Naylor. “They need to find a solid Number 3 before The Ashes, someone comfortable batting in the first session of a Test. So they gave everyone a go in the first 30 overs of an innings.”
6th over: West Indies 18-0 (Brathwaite 15, Campbell 3) I think we’ve seen enough of Curran here - though he’s not going for runs like he did in the first innings, we should probably have some Stokes, while the ball’s still hard. But as I type that, he persuades Brathwaite to edge, only for it to drop short of Stokes. Are the slips too far back? Actually, looking again, I think Brathwaite dropped the hands on that - if so, well played.
“Much speculation this morning on Sky about how long Jimmy can keep playing for, emails Brian Withington. “A proper rest between bowling stints might help - I reckon he’s only got three or four more batting collapses in him before something blows irreparably.”
5th over: West Indies 17-0 (Brathwaite 14, Campbell 3) How would you punish the English batsmen? There’s got to be some kind of punishment for this, no? Lines? No tea? Ground them? Anderson stretches through a maiden. I can hear his hamstrings scream.
4th over: West Indies 17-0 (Brathwaite 14, Campbell 3) Curran’s magic touch was bound to fail him at some point, and this isn’t his fault. Bowling in English conditions is not the same as this, and he’s milked for three singles.
“I’m assuming it’s already been noted,” emails Simon, “this isn’t the first time a Roach has caused problems for England”. He then posts a photo of IT Botham.
3rd over: West Indies 13-0 (Brathwaite 13, Campbell 0) If England can skittle West Indies for 150 ... they still lose handily.
No bat, hit in line ... but it’s missing the top corner of leg stump! It never rains, but sometimes it pours so hard it makes your head bleed.
3rd over: West Indies 13-0 (Brathwaite 13, Campbell 0) Oh look at this! Anderson produces two outswinging jaffas, the second kissing the surface, squaring Campbell, and far too good for his edge. Can he bowl at both ends? And there it is, the one that comes back ... again far too good for yerman, crashing him on the pad, and the umpire says no so England say REVIEW! That is very, very close, I’d say.
2nd over:West Indies 13-0 (Brathwaite 13, Campbell 0) Curran has the ball, and he’ll know this is big for him. He’s never an opener on a track like this - the question is whether he keeps his place for the second Test because England bring in another seamer rather than swap one for him. He’s running in hard but Brathwaite quickly tickles him for four to long on, then absolutely chleanses him four four through midwicket, front foot airborne, Greenidge-style. Glorious!
1st over: West Indies 5-0 (Brathwaite 5, Campbell 0) And that’s not going to improve his mood, a short, wide one leathered to the fence by Brathwaite. England collapsed like a tasered Salah; a cardboard khazi; a post-Brexit economy. Send your variations in. Brathwaite adds a further single.
Anderson has the ball. I can only imagine the state of his temperal equilibrium.
England huddle. Hopefully someone has some knuckle-dusters.
“I’m watching this in the middle of the night in Melbourne with the aircon on,” emails Ian Forth. “It’s due to be 41 degrees today. I woke from fevered dreams like the guy in Kafka’s Metamorphosis, then decided to relax by watching some calming test cricket. It was 40-2 when I sat down. Now I know how a beetle on its back feels.”
Anyway: thank heaven for Keaton Jennings!
Back to Woakes debate, I’d like to clarify from earlier: I’m sure he’d have done well here. My point was that if you’re trying to build the best team in the world, then a 29-year-old who’s never done it overseas is not necessarily the man you pick, though he’s good.
I know that West Indies bowled well, but that’s Test cricket - you can expect the opposition to be good, that’s the point of it, and it’s on you to find a way despite that. I grew up in the 80s and 90s, so I’m no stranger to an England batting collapse, but those teams weren’t half as talented as this one. There’s no excuse for the invertebrate fecklessness, no excuse whatsoever. And I’m not having that underdone excuse either – they do this all the time, in all manner of circumstances, and it’s already clambered through my nostrils into my sinuses. It’s enough, lads.
Thanks Rob and hello again – how are we? Glad to hear it.
That’s it from me. I’m off to water January, but Daniel Harris will be with you for the first hour after tea. Email him on daniel.harris.casual@theguardian.com or tweet @danielharris.
West Indies have not enforced the follow-on and will bat again.
It’s the boring decision, but also the correct one.
“I don’t know about you, Rob, but I always feel that the year doesn’t really start until we’ve seen our first England batting collapse,” says Simon McMahon. “Then I know that all will be well. Happy New Year, everybody!”
The more I think about that collapse, the more I think it was about the West Indies bowling rather than the England batting. England did not cover themselves in glory, that much is true, but most of the batsmen were got out.
An early tea will be taken. What else is there to say? Oh yeah: DEWRRWEREWDSCDSR*EW(%WFDFDSFSDFUNTS.
Rashid steers a short ball from Joseph to Holder at second slip, and that’s the end of a miserable and slightly weird collapse from England. West Indies have the option of enforcing the follow-on, though I doubt they will. Their bowlers deserve to put their feet up after a spectacular performance. The superb Kemar Roach bowled with pace, skill and menace to take five for 17 from 11 overs.
30th over: England 73-9 (Rashid 8, Anderson 0) If you’re just joining us, don’t.
Brilliant bowling from Shannon Gabriel, who has bounced out Sam Curran quite emphatically. It was a cracking short ball from around the wicket; Curran got in a tangle and it rammed into the glove before looping to Shai Hope in the gully.
29th over: England 73-8 (Curran 14, Rashid 8) Rashid edges a good ball from Joseph low towards second slip, where the tall Holder can’t quite get down in time. I think it carried but, even so, it was a very difficult chance.
“Just got to the digital pub and the landlord’s said the mild’s off,” says Mike Daniels. “He’s only got bitter, very bitter. “Last time this happened, in 2009, Belly was made the scapegoat.”
28th over: England 73-8 (Curran 14, Rashid 8) Shannon Gabriel replaces the marvellous Kemar Roach, who has seen Jimmy Anderson’s figures and raised them: 11-7-17-5. A low full toss from Gabriel is driven confidently through mid-off for four by Curran, who is again on course to be England’s top scorer in a Test innings.
27th over: England 69-8 (Curran 10, Rashid 8) Rashid gets off the mark with a stylish boundary, wristily flicking an outswinger from Joseph over midwicket, and slices the next ball through backward point for four more.
I still don’t really understand what has happened since lunch, and no amount of back-to-back boundaries will change that. They lost five wickets for five!
26th over: England 61-8 (Curran 10, Rashid 0) Imagine the volume of steam passing through Stuart Broad’s nostrils right now. I’m sure West Indies won’t enforce the follow-on, even if they have the option. Roach bowls a maiden to Curran, including a wide delivery that beat Curran’s hearty flail outside off stump.
“I do love a good collapse in the West Indies,” says Robert Smithson, “if for no other reason that it brings back memories of my favourite line from my favourite ever OBO: ‘I’ll see you after tea. Assuming England haven’t lost by then.’”
25th over: England 61-8 (Curran 10, Rashid 0) “Thank goodness Jennings piled in with 17,” says Tom Adam, “or we’d be in trouble here.”
On the bright side, we’ve seen worse.
Related: The day Curtly Ambrose ripped England to pieces in the West Indies
Dear me, England are having a beast. Foakes has gone now, caught behind off Alzarri Joseph. It was a good ball, full and moving away to take the edge, and Dowrich threw himself to his right to take an excellent low catch.
24th over: England 60-7 (Foakes 2, Curran 9) Foakes plays out a maiden from Roach, whose figures are quite spectacular: 10-6-17-5.
“Rob,” says Daniel Dawson. “Can we blame this collapse on the lack of proper warm-up matches? Sri Lanka aside, England are generally poor in the first Test of an away series aren’t they?”
23rd over: England 60-7 (Foakes 2, Curran 9) Alzarri Joseph comes into the attack, replacing Jason Holder, and Curran slams a short ball through extra cover for four. Terrific shot. These two batsmen have the right temperament for a miserable situation like this.
“Hi Rob,” says Lorraine Reese. “Is this England’s cunning plan to avoid batting last?”
22nd over: England 53-7 (Foakes 0, Curran 4) England lost five wickets for five runs in that crazy spell before drinks. Sam Curran, the new batsman, has clearly decided to give it some humpty. He fresh airs one big drive at Roach and edges another over the slips for four to get off the mark.
That’s drinks “An England innings without laughter is an innings wasted” - Charlie Chaplin.
Hahahahaha. Roach has his five-for and Buttler has gone as well! It was a good delivery which got really big on Buttler, who had nowhere to hide and could only get a thin edge through to the keeper.
21st over: England 49-6 (Buttler 4, Foakes 0) “Ouch,” says Mike Daniels. “Point taken. I just think Woakes is unfairly maligned and that he and Broad are carrying the can for the failures in the upper order batting. I’d play Curran as a batter who can bowl, not as an opening/1st change bowler. There are better options for those roles. The Digital Pubs round here serve a passable Digital Mild from M&B.”
This is what happens when you have about seven all-rounders in the squad, I suppose; the permutations become almost infinite. I suspect the fuss contributed to Curran’s poor performance yesterday, but I do agree that his role in the side is a little confused. That said, Ed Smith and the other selectors have done so many innovative and fascinating things in the last nine months, so we can’t expect them to get everything right.
20th over: England 48-6 (Buttler 4, Foakes 0) It’ll be Ben Foakes to face the hat-trick ball. Here comes Roach ... and Foakes offers no stroke outside off stump. A double-wicket maiden will have to suffice.
“Rob,” says John Starbuck. “The simple solution to the Curran problem (if it is one) is to have him open the innings with Woakes and play Broad as normal. The current openers are unlikely to get much better so we might as well maintain the tradition of rarely fielding the same team twice.”
It’s true: sometimes laughter is the best medicine. Moeen has gone first ball! He tried to work a short ball from Roach off the hip and got a top edge that carried all the way to fine leg, where Joseph took an excellently judged catch just inside the boundary rope.
He’s out! Stokes played across a good delivery from Roach which hit him on the top of the back pad. It was given out by the umpire Chris Gaffaney – and that was decisive, because replays showed it was hitting the top of the bails and was thus Umpire’s Call. Strokeless Stokes goes for a 17-ball duck.
This will be close. It might just be bouncing over the stumps but it was given out on the field.
19th over: England 48-4 (Stokes 0, Buttler 4) Buttler gets off the mark with an emphatic off-driven four off the bowling of Holder. Those are England’s first runs since they were two wickets down and all was well with the world. Holder responds with a good delivery that straightens past the outside edge.
“Afternoon Rob,” says Andrew Benzeval. “Apropos of nothing, on seeing that Flintoff over, I am reminded that 2005 was 14 years ago. 14 years! FFS. Where’s my milky drink and comfy chair…”
18th over: England 44-4 (Stokes 0, Buttler 0) Stokes has batted very responsibly since his return to the side in New Zealand - too responsibly, perhaps - so you’d assume he’ll leave any counter-attacking to Buttler. After playing out a maiden from Roach, Stokes has 0 from 13 balls.
“In these uncertain times,” begins Dave Seare, “with political, economic, social and environmental chaos around the corner, it’s good to know the lads still like to be three down before fifty whenever possible. I’ll cling to that if it’s ok with everyone.”
17th over: England 44-4 (Stokes 0, Buttler 0) It’s easy to wail and moan about England’s batting, but Roach and Holder have bowled majestically since tea. It’s been thrilling to watch.
“Apologies,” says Mike Daniels, “that should have referred to Daniel suggesting that he wouldn’t take Woakes overseas.”
England are waist deep in the malodorous stuff. Holder has pinned Root LBW with a beautiful nipbacker that beat the inside edge and rammed into the pad. We’ve seen Root dismissed like that a few times in the past as he falls over to the off side. He discussed a review with Stokes, who presumably gave him a straight answer: it was plumb.
16th over: England 44-3 (Root 4, Stokes 0) Roach beats Stokes with a beautiful outswinger in the course of another maiden. He is a terrific bowler who should really have twice as many as his 50 caps.
“Considering that 11 of the 12 wickets to fall so far in this match have fallen to fast-medium right arm bowlers, what makes you think that Woakes wouldn’t have been effective in this Test, or Broad for that matter?” says Mike Daniels. “Curran is not an opening bowler in Test cricket. Either of Woakes or Broad would have kept the pressure on the Windies batters and they probably wouldn’t have got to 225. This current obsession with Curran is not justified.”
15th over: England 44-3 (Root 4, Stokes 0) A maiden from Holder to Root.
“Afternoon Smyth, afternoon everybody,” says Josh Robinson. “I can’t believe that no one has registered @inyourfacesuckers as a Tw*tter handle yet, in the hope of snaring the odd misdirected tweet from the occasional JCL neophyte who might seek to reach you that way.”
14th over: England 44-3 (Root 4, Stokes 0) That ball from Roach was very similar to Andrew Flintoff’s dismissal of Justin Langer during his famous over at Edgbaston in 2005: extra bounce, off the elbow and down onto the stumps.
England are in a bit of bother here. Bairstow has gone, bowled off the elbow by a fine delivery from Roach that bounced more than he expected.
13th over: England 40-2 (Bairstow 8, Root 4) Root gets off the mark with a glorious stroke, caressing Holder through extra cover for four. He has been hyper-aggressive in the last few months and I suspect that will continue in this series. Whether they are covering themselves in glory or covering the walls in their own feculence, this England batting line-up are always entertaining.
“Niche question – has it ever happened before that Australia and England both have a man named Burns opening the batting on opposite sides of the globe the day before Burns night?” says Pete Salmon. “And two days before Australia Day, which established the relationship between the two nations?”
12th over: England 35-2 (Bairstow 7, Root 0) Burns was a bit unfortunate there, as there wasn’t much wrong with his defensive shot.
“Super to be able to watch the cricket after work,” says Graham. “Anyway, it seems a dreadfully long time since we last got a shout out for Krakow Cricket Club. We’re organising the fifth edition of out summer cup for mid-June and looking for drinking teams to come and join the fun.”
Rory Burns falls to his first ball after
tea lunch. He was fractionally late on his defensive stroke, and that was enough for the ball to bounce back onto the off stump.
Thanks Daniel, morning everyone. This is shaping up to be a cracking Test match - and, perhaps, a nasty surprise for those who assumed England would defenestrate West Indies without burning a solitary calorie. This looks an untrustworthy pitch, and that’s usually bad news for the team batting last. England will want a lead of at least 100 if they are to sleep soundly.
Thus ends another absorbing session of wondrous, lustrous Test cricket, with neither side on top but both sides reckoning themselves about to get there. Rob Smyth will be with you in half an hour or so - you can email him on rob.smyth@theguardian.com or tweet him @inyourfacesuckers.
11th over: England 30-1 (Burns 2, Bairstow 2) Bairstow nudges one off the pad, the only run from the over - but Holder whooshes the final ball up at Burns as a lunchtime reminder that this isn’t going to be easy. And that’s the session.
10th over: England 29-1 (Burns 2, Bairstow 1) Burns edges a single, which brings Bairstow onto strike. I hope he doesn’t still feel aggrieved at the wicket-keeping situation - if we’re being real, he only got the gloves because he could also make runs, and he hasn’t done that enough lately. I hope he can make a go of it at number three, but I’ve not seen the necessary discipline, and wonder if the backswing might be a bit high too. Anyway, he blocks two, then Gabriel goes short and the ball flies miles past Dowrich’s drive for four byes before a single gets him off the mark. One more over before lunch.
Well bowled Jason Holder! He might’ve pulled back his length after getting driven but instead kept asking the question, and like Monty Panesar on Mastermind it wasn’t long before Jennings oliver twisted one, splicing to gully.
9th over: England 23-0 (Burns 1, Jennings 17) Jennings is looking good now, and Holder, into the attack, serves him one in the slot which he flows through extra cover for four. Holder responds well, sending down a similar ball but a bit shorter and straighter; Jennings plays the same shot but misses...
8th over: England 19-0 (Burns 1, Jennings 13) Gabriel’s first delivery sits up for Jennings so he banishes it through point for four. Then, after a dot, Gabriel goes around and Jennings times him nicely, sending a yorker back past him for three. Burns then plays and misses a wide one before a sold defensive shot ends the over; I’d not be surprised if we saw Joseph next up.
7th over: England 12-0 (Burns 1, Jennings 6) Jennings adds one to midwicket, and West Indies need something, because with England batting so deep, they need the new ball to work for them.
“‘But it’s still weird that someone so brilliant is so uncelebrated outside of those intimately involved with his sport’”, says James Boon, quoting me back to myself. “Can you name the greatest volleyball player living today? Or netball? Handball? Etc etc. Not weird, just a sad inevitability of the lack of domestic coverage.”
6th over: England 11-0 (Burns 1, Jennings 5) Does Keaton Jennings look like Beaker? I think he might. He talks to himself as Gabriel begins his run, and misses with a clip that takes the shin and earns a leg bye. It’s the only run off the over.
5th over: England 10-0 (Burns 1, Jennings 5) This is a good start for England - though Roach does move one away from Burns, who plays and misses, the tricky balls are occasional so there’s no concerted pressure.
“Interesting point about lack of exposure,” says Oliver Smiddy. “While satellite has meant increased investment in cricket and higher player wages, it does mean that you’re highly unlikely to England stars of the Sky era enjoy careers away from the sport once they retire, in the way that say, Andrew Flintoff has with a fledgling (non-cricket-related) TV career. Most England players have zero profile with the non-cricket-watching public these days, whereas the likes of Freddie and KP were at least recognised by Joe Public.”
4th over: England 10-0 (Burns 1, Jennings 5) We see Garry Sobers in the crowd - can anyone think of any other players whose name is also an act or imperative? Rory Burns, there’s one. Jeff Dujon tells us about Sobers’ golf, and here we go, we’re into that classic segue, commentators’ golf. Except it’s somehow acceptable in this instance, because it’s Dujon and Sobers! Burns eases one off the hip to get himself away, the only run from the over.
3rd over: England 9-0 (Burns 0, Jennings 5) Roach finds a very nice line to Jennings, moving one off the seam and past the outside edge as Jennings plays forward. I’m no expert, and I guess the selectors needed to find someone and stick with them, but it’s hard to see him scoring big runs against any attack with any pace – his footwork isn’t there, he doesn’t defend positively, and he doesn’t have the shots to reverse the pressure. But here’s one, a flash outside off that whizzes past gully’s dive to the fence. I suppose we also need to mention his new barnet - done for charity, I believe - as one of all-time ill-fitting coneheads.
2nd over: England 5-0 (Burns 0, Jennings 1) Gabriel really is a fine figure of a man - he looks in the shape of his life. But after three dots, Jennings tries a clip, misses, and the ball runs off his hip for four leg byes. He then adds a single off the bat, and will feel much the better for it. I wonder why West Indies haven’t asked for a quicker track, because that might have helped them.
1st over: England 0-0 (Burns 0, Jennings 0) A maiden from Roach, the final delivery of which is very nice, nipping off the pitch and drawing Burns in before beating him past the outside edge.
“I suspect and suggest that 289 is probably quite a way below par for an innings were five of the top six get to 40,” reckons Geoff Wignall. “Against a side that bats down to no.10, they’d surely have been looking for something north of 350.But cricket is cricket, so who knows?”
Kemar Roach has the new meteorite...
I’m looking forward to seeing what West Indies’ extra pace can do. I’m also looking forward, trepidatiously, to seeing what England’s openers come up with...
Out come the fielders...
Change of innings email: “My tuppence,” begins Matt Dony. “Two things. Firstly, I think your 96th over instructions can be boiled down to ‘don’t bother with smart-casual.’ Shirt and tie at work (a shirt without a tie is an affront. I will not be told otherwise), and t-shirt, jeans and Vans the rest of the time. (Other trainers are available, but, really?) Secondly, to add my voice to the already fulsome praise for Jimmy; how is he not more widely recognised? Cricket fans absolutely love him, and he’s (still) tearing up the rulebook regarding what should be achievable by a fast bowler. And yet, my wife, who knows a thing or two, couldn’t pick him out of a line-up. He’s interesting, charismatic, unreasonably good at his job, but doesn’t seem to get enough wider recognition.”
On matters sartorial, yes, pretty much. Vans are comfy, basically a couch for your feet, but more for the kind of baggy jeans that might get you arrested. As it goes, I’m an Air Max man these days.
Oh, and what a knock that was from the boy Hetmyer, just the right mix of prudence and impudence. He looks a talent.
So, five four Anderson, four for Stokes, and a total that’s probably just below par. But England have to bat last, so if they have the advantage, it’s only a slight one. What I will say is this is the kind of track and circumstance in which Joe Root does well, but his team will need 350 to feel like they’re in charge.
Stokes extracts bounce and Hetmyer, moving away to leg, chucks all of Barbados at it. He gets an edge, and Foakes, diving goalie-style, takes a fine catch to end a brilliant innings.
101st over: West Indies 289-9 (Hetmyer 81, Gabriel 0) Anderson needs to get into a row with Botham about fishing or politics or twitter or something, just so he can settle things with “How many Test wickets did you get?”
Ahahahahahaha! In comes the absolute don, moves one away that Joseph follows as though magnetised, guiding the ball to third slip. Anderson is now level on 27 England fifers with IT Botham, and who knows what he’ll do from here? We are privileged to be living in his time. That was a great innings from Joseph, incidentally, a 22-ball duck. I love cricket.
101st over: West Indies 289-8 (Joseph 0, Hetmyer 81) Root goes for Anderson, then midway through the over indicates to Rashid that he’s up next. But perhaps he missed a trick by not varying the pace for Joseph - that’s why Rashid’s in the team after all...
100th over: West Indies 289-8 (Joseph 0, Hetmyer 81) Hetmyer finds himself on strike to the final delivery - does he play a shot or look for a single? Come on, you know the answer to that one. Stokes goes short so Hetmyer moves away to leg and frying pans one over mid-off for four! Lovely tackle. Will Root make a change with Joseph on strike for an entire over?
“Agree that tank tops and cardigans are out, but all footwear bar trainers?” asks John Starbuck. “Rubbish, what’s wrong with suede desert boots, sturdy sandals or chunky boots in general, as per Hadley Freeman’s column in the Guardian today?When you find yourself tolerating a bigger range of kit for men, you can say you’ve grown up at last.”
Hetmyer reviews immediately and ultra-edge backs him up. Naturally, Ben Stokes collapses in mirth, laughing at the sheer slapstick of it all.
Hetmyer looks to go to third man again, gets an under-edge, and he’s gone. But REVIEW!
99th over: West Indies 285-8 (Joseph 0, Hetmyer 77) Anderson is ticking too now – I was wondering if he’d be hearing a “thank you” after this little turn, but then Hetmyer has a swipe and sends the ball over the slips. This time, he takes his single off the fifth delivery, a gentle press to backward point doing the job, and Joseph blocks again. His defensive technique is right on-point here.
98th over: West Indies 284-8 (Joseph 0, Hetmyer 76) Stokes is coming on a temper, but the over is fairly quiet. Hetmyer caresses to third man, but Burns does brilliantly to chase it down, dive, and flick it away form the rope.
“I was having a look at Anderson’s record on Statsguru at the players he’s dismissed throughout his Test career,” emails Michael Avery, “and found it interesting to see which established batsmen he absolutely tormented. Here’s the batsmen with the five lowest averages (minimum ten matches played):
97th over: West Indies 283-8 (Joseph 0, Hetmyer 75) Hetmyer has a wild swish at a wide one - the first ball of the over - imparting an edge that earns him four. A single then leaves Joseph two balls to handle, and the first crumps him on the pad, feet rooted - but it looked like it was going down and the appeal was muted accordingly.
96th over: West Indies 278-8 (Joseph 0, Hetmyer 70) The pitch looks like camo clothing which, if I may, I’m adding to the OBO banned list. Also present: shoes that aren’t trainers, shirts if you’re not at work or a wedding, polo shirts, tank tops, cardigans, pedal pushers. But Hetmyer could get away with the lot, making room to base Stokes over extra cover for four! That’s an absolute bazzer, to which Stokes responds with a nasty bump-ah on the leg side. He gets something on it but the ball drops safe, and then more of the same has him taking evasive action then looking to flip over his head - yeah, alright mate good luck with that - and the umpire deems it flicked the glove, adding one. Excellent bowling.
95th over: West Indies 273-8 (Joseph 0, Hetmyer 65) It’s such a pleasure watching a young talent impose itself, but Hetmyer needs to advise himself - he takes two huge swings and two huge outswingers, missing baith. That’s exactly what Anderson wants him to do, but he comes correct thereafter, tapping a single down the track and giving Joseph two balls to survive. He does, and is looking pretty comfy out there.
94th over: West Indies 272-8 (Joseph 0, Hetmyer 64) Hetmyer has seen off the dodgy bit. He plays out four dots, takes a single down to third man, and watches Joseph survive again. It’s beginning to look like Stokes was right about the roller because there’s not a whole lot going on here.
93rd over: West Indies 271-8 (Joseph 0, Hetmyer 63) Behold! Hetmyer waits for Anderson and takes a tiny What’s the time Mr Wolf step, then crunches Anderson back over his shoulder for four. He knows something. A single follows, and again Joseph defends well, digging out a full one.
92nd over: West Indies 266-8 (Joseph 0, Hetmyer 58) Hetmyer cracks to mid-on, only to find Curran, deep enough to cut it off. Hetmyer is vex, because that should’ve been four, and punishes himself by declining the easy single on offer. Instead, he takes one off the penultimate delivery, forced down the track, and Joseph blocks another last ball.
“As someone who grew up in the pre-helmet era sunhats were an abomination generally,” reckons Andrew Robertson. “Everybody clearly had their own ‘lucky’ hat which was worn until it literally fell apart, which meant that most teams looked like an elderly ladies bowls team. The only exceptions I can immediately think of were David Gower, who wore a stiff brimmed hat with all the grace of his batting, Gordon Greenidge who had a curious powder blue number for a while, and Philippe Edmonds who had a sort of pork pie titfer which to my teenage eyes seemed to confirm he was a lost member of The Specials.”
91st over: West Indies 265-8 (Joseph 0, Hetmyer 57) Heeeeeere’s Jimmy! Hetmyer takes one off the pads, leaving Joseph three balls to negotiate. He allows two to go by, then plays forward solidly to see away the third.
“Re Mr Salisbury’s reference to Gordon Greenidge,” advises Gary Naylor, “he’s wearing a powder blue one here ... And it’s only in the WORLD CUP FINAL!”
90th over: West Indies 264-8 (Joseph 0, Hetmyer 56) Stokes begins gingerly, says Athers – I don’t think he’s being snide – with one which swings way down leg. He finds his range thereafter, but Joseph survives ... though hang about ... that last delivery, a yorker, might’ve hit toe then bat. But no one asks the question.
Ben Stokes has the ball and will complete his over from last evening...
Various of our number have emailed in to mention RC Russell’s headgear, never used for batting. I was too young to think about Madchester at the time, but that’d explain a few things.
Tangentially: is that Arthur Baker remix the best tune repackaged as a TV theme tune?
Oh! I’ve just spotted that with Jonathan’s email came an attachment...
“Gordon Greenidge wore a fairly relaxed beach hat at one stage...” emails Jonathan Salisbury.
Greenidge’s double ton at the Oval is my first cricketing memory. Here’s an essay on an absolute hero, a rare sportsman who stood for so much more than simple sport.
Related: West Indian epic: when Gordon Greenidge unleashed hell on Australia
“How long can Jimmy carry on for and how many wickets can he take?” wonders Jon Ward. “He seems to be playing better each year but at some point I guess he might peak and start the slippery slope of decline. In the last three years he’s taken around 140 wickets so if he could carry on at that pace for 3 more years he’d be up around the 700 wicket mark vying with Shane Warne. And over the last 5 years he’s taken about 230 wickets so at that rate could catch up with Murali if he can keep going for five years. Herath played until he was 40 and I think Jimmy’s in slightly better shape than him...”
Yeah, I was discussing this with yerman the great Rob Smyth just last evening. I guess what he does is harder on the body than what Herath does, but he’s showing not the slightest sign of slowing and is actually improving. Like Warne, in a way, who took 40 wickets in the 2005 Ashes, his finest haul. Anyway, I’m almost certain he’ll play three more years because he’s clearly still loving it, though may have to handle being rested here and there. I’m not sure he can get to Murali, but Warne is a possibility.
“I might be wrong,” emails David Brown,“but I think I remember Clive Rice looking resplendent in his floppy hat.”
Must’ve been something in the Nottinghamshire water.
“Derek Randall,” tweets Charle Hunter on sun hats.“Favourite cricketer in any category he qualifies for.”
“A dazzling cover point, perhaps the greatest fielder England has ever produced,” said my Sunday Times wallchart of the 100 greatest cricketers of all-time, c. 1989.
As for the pitch, he says that it got livelier with the second new ball but reckons the roller with flatten it this morning, and asked if he’s worried about batting last, he avoids the question by saying that you just have to play the game.
Binyomin Stokes is telling Sky that England did well to come back in the second session yesterday. He also says that he enjoys bowling long spells and getting into rhythm, and that Jos Buttler has led the team in terms of winning the pressure moments and being as fit as possible.
“Disappointing that you haven’t identified Shimron Hetmyer wearing a white brimmed sun hat whilst batting as the main talking point from yesterday,” chides @shsharrington.
I was getting there. But we’re here now, so who is your favourite sun-hat wearer? I suppose we have to remove IVA from this discussion, so who else have we got? Richie Richardson, obviously; Glenn Turner; Clive Lloyd if floppy is your thing...
I’ll tell you something telling about Jimmy Anderson: I interviewed him a few years ago when he came to a press day before the darts world championships. At the same time, England were taking a one-day hiding in Sri Lanka, so to break the ice, I said something along the lines of:
“Sorry for inflicting myself on you but it could be worse – you could be in Sri Lanka.”
“For those of us who saw what a mess Troy Cooley made of Anderson when he were a lad,” tweets Richard Earney, “please don’t mention about changing his action!”
He’s got 565 Test wickets. Surely we can laugh about it now?
The main #talkingpoint from yesterday was England’s selection. That it was different in composition from West Indies’ suggests that they misread the pitch, Jason Holder being Bajan and all. But in any event, it’s hard to see Sam Curran as an opening bowler in these conditions. He’s worth his place in the side, but surely the choice needed to be between him and Adil Rashid, not him and Stuart Broad.
James Anderson: discuss.
There are two principal questions facing our teams this morning: West Indies – well, Shimron Hetmyer – needs to decide whether to attack or stick it out. And England – well, Joe Root – needs to decide whether to attack or keep it tight. My guess is that Hetmyer will go for it, and Root will go for it first up, but perhaps not once the ball’s has another 10 overs put into it.
Acceptable aspects possessed by this pathetic little planet, don’t @ me:
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