England reduced India to 103-5 after racking up almost 600, as they closed in on a series whitewash
Preamble Hello. Growing up is hard to do, as those of you reading this while playing Warhammer, watching Danger Mouse DVDs and studying for your seventh university degree at the age of 43 will probably testify. But the advantage of a long and painful growing-up process is that the eventual fulfilment is so much more rewarding. Just look at Ian Bell. There were times during the first five years of his Test career, as yet another absent-minded fiddle ended up in the hands of first slip, when even the 8000-at-45 Club doubted whether he would ever achieve his potential, yet in the last 18 months he has done so in wonderful style. He has even had a name change, from Ian Bloody Bell to the suitably regal Ian Ronald Bell.
Bell will resume on 181 this morning, with England 457 for three, and he has a great chance to reach his first Test double hundred. (Please, can we ban the phrase "Daddy hundred" now; it was quite fun at first but now it just sounds creepy, like something David Lynch might come up with, with Alastair Cook looking in the mirror, seeing the face of Killer Bob/Ishant Sharma, and dementedly repeating the phrase "Daddy hundred" while cackling.) Depending on England's tactics, he might even have a chance to make 300.
This Test is England's, to do with as they please. They could bat on to 700 and let the pitch break up; they could declare as soon as Bell gets out or reaches 200; they could even engage the wick of the cricketing gods by batting on to 1000. It's an extraordinary and surreal position to be in, not least because England seem to be in this position almost every Test at the moment. As England cricket fans, this is the time of our lives. It's certainly the time of Ian Bell's.
The hat The auction for this England lovely hat, signed by the Brisbane Three, ends on Monday. The bidding has reached £300. Do I hear £300.01? It's all for an extremely worthy cause: the OBO end-of-season bender the Mines Advisory Group.
Statgasm department Since his coming-of-age century in the Boxing Day Test of 2009, Ian Bell averages 91.10 from 19 Tests. Not quite uber-Bradman, then, but to be an ersatz Bradman isn't so bad either.
The best part of today's play might be the luncheon interval: this week, Sky's Saturday Story is the infamous contretemps between Dennis Lillee and Javed Miandad.
An email "I know the Gladwell phrase 'Tipping Point' is overused," begins Gary Naylor, lining up the inevitable 'but', "but England appear to have reached a number of them at once. The captain is secure in the role as long as he wants it (as were Big Clive, King Viv, MA Taylor and SR Waugh); the batting doesn't just run deep, but it's trusted to run deep (as Australia were able to trust Gilchrist in Tests and Bichel in ODIs to rescue any position) so alarm bells don't really sound and all the batsmen can play their natural games; and the bowlers know that function matters more than form – do their job properly and they will be selected. Strikes me that these characteristics are useful alone, but are so embedded and mutually reinforcing that oppositions can become demoralised over a Test and series. Thus the tipping point arrives and England don't just play well but they induce, nay force, the opposition to play badly. It's happening too often for it to be chance and we recognise its power from the great dominant teams of the past. It's traditional at this moment to write, 'It'll never last,' but it might..."
I hate to say this, because the thought of sustained English success will never truly compute, but I think you might be right. England have slaughtered Australia on their own patch in a way that nobody – not even the 1980s West Indies – managed, and now they are giving India their biggest pasting for at least a decade, probably longer. I think the key point you make is that it's not just the opposition playing badly; it's England making them play badly. Perhaps the best single example of that was the dodgy shot Dravid played on the last morning at Lord's. That wasn't a fluke, it was the consequence of incessant, asphyxiating pressure. They are, in the very nicest sense, a team of heartless swines. It's just business.
The other quality that England have, one that is almost exclusively the preserve of great teams, is that they are stimulated rather than cowed by the really big games. In the last year England have played their best cricket against Australia and India, not Sri Lanka and Bangladesh. It is important we don't get carried away, at least until they have won a big series or two on the subcontinent, but there is a significant chance we will look back on this series – and specifically the Trent Bridge Test – as the moment when England imperceptibly moved from very good to great.
124th over: England 462-3 (Bell 186, Anderson 3) There will be 98 overs today, as we're still catching up from Thursday. The first is bowled by Sreesanth, and Bell tucks the third ball crisply off the hip for four. Sreesanth then gives Anderson a stare after a dot ball at the end of the over. It's 462 for three, mate. "Going back a tad if I may, I think we can all be forgiven our trespasses against Ian Ronald," says Nick Lewis. " Our ambivalence, even latterly, in the face of his obvious brilliance. It goes back to the 05 Ashes I think; his fresh-faced schoolboy appearance and demeanour, skittishly, coltishly hopping around the crease in defence, against Warne in particular. His more recent uncanny ability to make big scores after his predecessors had done the hard work. Some players arrive in international cricket and just belong, look the part, straight away; Trescothick for example. Bell, like a beautiful actress struggling to be taken seriously as an artiste, has had to work at it. For this we must love him all the more." I couldn't have put it better myself. I really couldn't, which is a little alarming given that I'm paid to do precisely that.
125th over: England 469-3 (Bell 187, Anderson 9) Anderson gets his first boundary, flipping a short ball from Ishant Sharma round the corner. The Indians don't seem to like Anderson, presumably because he has a lot to say with the ball. Anderson has white-line fever in many ways, because he seems a very polite and almost shy chap off the field. "I do find something fascinating about yesterday's nightwatchman grumbles," says Lee Rodwell. "Channel 5's highlights managed to mention it 3-4 times in the space of 5 minutes - all in a tone of utter disbelief. I know it's the nature of the English\the media\the English media to find something to complain about, but really... You have batsmen at Nos 5 and 6 very much playing for their places, the former having been padded up for something like six hours, it's not rocket science why the decision was made. Is it really so difficult just to enjoy an English management team that, right now, is getting almost everything right? Lord('s) knows we've had plenty of years enjoying the exact opposite." You can obviously understand people finding it odd, but at the moment Andy Flower could open the batting with himself and Dolly Parton and most of us would support his decision.
126th over: England 476-3 (Bell 190, Anderson 13) Bell moves into the 190s with a single off Sreesanth. He was out for 199 against South Africa three years ago, but hopefully he won't join the similarly elegant Michael Vaughan by having two Test dismissals in the 190s. Sreesanth sledges Anderson, who responds with a very classy ping through midwicket for four. Shot! "Hard to disagree with anything Gary Naylor says - or Malcolm Gladwell for that matter," says Sean Boiling. "Mention of 'The Tipping Point' puts me in mind of another Gladwell book, 'Outliers - The Story of Success' in which he talks about the 10,000 hour rule - claiming that the key to success in any task, playing cricket, watching cricket, writing OBOs, contributing to OBOs is (largely) a matter of practising that specific task for 10,000 hours. Add those hours up. How much cricket have you watched Rob, Gary?" I suddenly feel very depressed at the thought of how many hours I've been sat in this OBO chair when I could have been playing Warhammer or watching Danger Mouse DVDs.
127th over: England 480-3 (Bell 194, Anderson 13) A simply glorious stroke from Bell, who maker's-names Sharma down the ground for four with little more than a push. He is one hit away. "Have put a fiver on Swann to be the leading England wicket taker in the first innings," says Johnny Cleary. "Am I a mug? He has got to get a bagful in this Test?" You appear to have mistaken me for someone who has a clue. There's certainly a chance Swann will be top wicket taker; Shane Warne reckons this pitch will spin, but then we said the same in the second innings at Edbgaston and the seamers hoovered up most of the wickets. I suspect you've lost five whole pounds. You could mug someone and get it back maybe?
WICKET! England 480-4 (Anderson c Laxman b Sreesanth 13) Anderson goes, chasing a wide one and screwing it to second slip. Sreesanth stares disdainfully at Anderson as he walks off. It could be an interesting passage of play if Anderson bowls to Sreesanth later in the match.
128th over: England 482-4 (Bell 195, Morgan 0) There has been a lot of talk about Ravi Bopara, quite rightly, but Eoin Morgan is also in a slightly odd position. If England play two spinners on the subcontinent, he is the likely to miss out. "I might have missed the discussion on OBO about night-watchmen yesterday but TMS made the very good point that if you are going to use one why does it have to be the lead bowler," says Darryl Davis. "A wicked delivery and he is injured with a possible follow-on looming in the rest of the match. Dodgy risk analysis if you were to ask me." I suppose, but all of the bowlers are almost equally important, and Anderson is the only natural nightwatchman in the team.
129th over: England 484-4 (Bell 197, Morgan 1) A stroke of fortune for Bell, who drags an attempted cut stroke just past the stumps. "Warhammer Schmorhammer," says Ryan Dunne. "Blood Bowl is where it was at, not least as playing it meant one could legitimately self-describe as 'sporty' on personal ads and the like."
WICKET! England 487-5 (Morgan c Dhoni b Sreesanth 1) Another first-innings failure for Eoin Morgan, his third of the series. He was tempted into the drive by a fuller, wider delivery from Sreesanth, bowled from wide on the crease, and edged it through to Dhoni. That was smart bowling.
130th over: England 489-5 (Bell 198, Bopara 2) Morgan's first-innings scores in this series have been 0, 0, 104 and 1. What was that Au Revoir Simone song again? The new batsman Bopara gets off the mark by inside edging his first ball through square leg for two.
"Although I'm delighted to admit I was wrong about Bell back in 2006," begins Tim Sowula, "I was surprised that my wrong prediction was brought up (yesterday's OBO, over 93) by someone who, also in 2006, infamously wrote off Man Utd in this article. I don't mind being wrong in my predictions, but then, I'm not a professional sports journalist." And I don't mind being wrong, because I'm not a psychic. It always amuses me when the unwashed slag off writers for getting a prediction wrong. Do they really think we are supposed to get 100 per cent of our predictions correct? How exactly does that work? Anyway, I wasn't slagging you off yesterday, I was just amused by the aggressive nature of the comment. It wasn't published in a snide way; as I said earlier, there were times when even the 8000-at-45 Club doubted whether Bell would make it.
131st over: England 490-5 (Bell 199, Bopara 2) The ECB have announced that Eoin Morgan will captain England in the ODI against Ireland on Thursday. A refreshing squad, full of exciting young talent, is as follows: Eoin Morgan, Jonathan Bairstow, Ravi Bopara, Scott Borthwick, Jade Dernbach, Steven Finn, Craig Kieswetter, Graham Onions, Samit Patel, Ben Stokes, James Taylor, Jonathan Trott, Chris Woakes. It's really nice to see Graham Onions back as well. Anyway, Bell moves to 199 with another gentle single off Sharma. "Re the Outliers remark, haven't India spent 10,000 hours on the field this series?" says Shankar Mony. "They should be displaying their genius any time now!"
132nd over: England 498-5 (Bell 207, Bopara 2) There it is! Bell tickles Sreesanth to fine leg for four to bring up his first Test double hundred. It's been an exceptional innings from a simply wonderful batsman, and in his favourite position of No3 as well. He's faced 331 balls, hitting 20 fours and two sixes. He celebrates with an extravagant short-arm pull for four, in the air but perfectly placed between midwicket and mid on. This innings is the third double hundred by an England batsman in this series. There were only three throughout the 1990s. "Well well, the sacrificial bottle of Flirt Enhancer worked a treat," says Jonny Martin. "Now we're inside the ground, smuggled spirits in hand. The girl in front of me in the hat is quite pretty. That's all." That won't end well.
133rd over: England 507-5 (Bell 215, Bopara 3) RP Singh comes into the attack, and Bell steers him for two to bring up the 500. The next ball is in the slot and driven handsomely through extra cover for four. "England's selection dilemmas used to be about how quickly we could discard the latest prodigy to come into the team, but one of the great things now is how mug that has changed," says Ben Hendy. "We've had plenty of discussion about what happens when all our bowlers are fit (Tremlett or Bresnan be at the fore), but what about Bell and Trott? Bell has proved he can play at first drop now, and as your statgasm shows, he's actually in better form than Trott too, so does he drop back to number 5 when Trott's fit? Ultimately, I think he has to. You can't play Trott that low down, and he clearly should be in the team ahead of Bopara, but it seems harsh to have Bell back at number five. Do I mean harsh? Or foolish? Well, almost the latter. If England want to really pile the pressure on teams, Trott's immovable-object style of batting means the run-rate drops where Bell will carry the fight more and pile on that pressure at a greater rate. As I said, it's the nice kind of dilemma."
134th over: England 511-5 (Bell 215, Bopara 7) Bopara has taken a few balls to play himself in, as he should. As always there's a balance between the needs of hte individual and the team. He gets his first boundary from his 13th delivery by flicking a poor delivery from Sreesanth to fine leg for four. "Disappointed by the lack of Coen Brothers references in this Test's OBOs," says Brian Cloughley. "I spent a few hours at work yesterday making a Coen Brothers quote quiz. Perhaps you and some and some of your less socially functional readers might appreciate it." There goes my lunch break.
135th over: England 516-5 (Bell 216, Bopara 11) Four more to Bopara, slapped to third man when RP Singh sends down a piece of short, wide filth. Bopara looks good, though, much better than he did during that short innings at Edgbaston. "In case Bell gets a Cook total I'd like people to refrain from talk of daddies and think of the ladies," says Ian Copestake. "So either a big momma or a Bella Donna."
136th over: England 524-5 (Bell 220, Bopara 14) Amit Mishra comes into the attack. Bell will surely look to bully him, particularly with straight hitting. Bell premeditates a lap for two off the first ball, and Bopara square drives for three later in the over. I wonder whether England will give Bell the chance to get 300. I reckon they might.
137th over: England 529-5 (Bell 224, Bopara 15) Bell is getting a lot of his runs behind square at the moment. No change there, but for now he is mainly doing his work on the leg side rather than the off side. England have quietly raced along this morning, scoring 72 runs in 14 overs. "On a stag in Edinburgh," says Paddy Blewer. "Do I join the boys in town to watch Liverpool match, or calm the hangover and listen to TMS and OBO for a few hours?" Let me just put that one to the panel. Can't you find someone that shows the football and the cricket, while also allowing you to fulfil the wearisome social contract you effectively sign when you go on a stag do?
138th over: England 533-5 (Bell 225, Bopara 18) Just ones and twos in that Mishra over. In some respects Bopara is where Bell was a few years ago – very few doubt his talent, a fair few doubt his temperament. One difference is that Bell was generally a regular, whereas Bopara has only had one short spell as a regular, back in 2009. "I'm but a mile from the Oval working in Elephant and Castle," says Lizzi Holman. "Reading the OBO is a bittersweet experience, vital to know what's going on but reminding me of the fun people are having down the road!" Especially Jonny Martin. I want to hear more about his day at the cricket, the smuggled booze, the pretty girl in the hat and the police officers. Jonny?
139th over: England 536-5 (Bell 226, Bopara 20) Bopara bottom edges an attempted pull off RP Singh, and the ball goes through to Dhoni on the second bounce. Three singles in the over. England are progressing serenely. If you were being harsh you might say it's a bit too serene, but in Andy we trust. "You won't find many pubs in Edinburgh showing cricket, especially on a Saturday (speaking as a veteran of ten years)," says Graham Smart. "Just sayin'." Are you telling me Francis Begbie wasn't a cricket fan? Why else did he wear white socks?
140th over: England 536-5 (Bell 226, Bopara 20) A maiden from Mishra to Bopara, who has 20 from 35 balls. "Rob, nice quotes quiz from Brian Cloughley", writes Wayne Trotman in Turkey, "but how many OBOers could identify the character who said 'You're entering a world of pain'? And which film? More importantly, which England player is likely to use it and to whom today?" I don't know about the England team, but I reckon Jonny Martin's heid will be entering a world of pain at some stage over the next 24 hours.
141st over: England 540-5 (Bell 228, Bopara 22) There hasn't been a boundary for a while, about half an hour or so, but the run rate is still pretty healthy. "Warm enough here in Khartoum, and looking forward to taking on the Maasai Warriors CC in Kenya next week," says Tony Brennan. "Isn't it a touch arrogant for England to select effectively a Development XI for the Clontarf game? I seem to recall that last time the two sides played Ireland won the game, and they might feel they've earned the respect which would be shown by the A team going there. I've played at Clontarf, where the boundaries aren't the largest; the idea of K O'B batting there against second team bowlers and feeling disrespected is fairly daunting." I can see why people would think that, but I don't think it is. England know as well as anyone what Ireland can do, but it's a rare chance to give youngsters the experience of real-life international cricket against a relatively weak team. It was the same when England went to Zimbabwe in 2001-02 and, I think, 2004-05 (in the latter they picked some uncapped kid called Pietersen). England are just doing what's right for them; I'm certain there's no arrogance or lack of respect in their decision.
142nd over: England 546-5 (Bell 233, Bopara 23) Mishra tosses one up outside off stump, and Bell leans into a delicious extra-cover drive that races for four.
"Begbie the batsman," says Graham Smart. "I struggled with your notion for a moment, but then pictured Begbie with a bat in his hands. He'd be perfect. No one would dare appeal." By comparison, WG Grace would seem like a serial walker. Many of you, as expected, know who is responsible for the 'world of pain' quote.
WICKET! England 548-6 (Bell LBW b Raina 235) Ian Bell's glorious innings comes to an end when he misses a sweep at Suresh Raina and is out LBW. He had gone a long way across his stumps and that looked like an excellent decision from Simon Taufel. Bell walks off to a standing ovation. English cricket has learned to stop worrying and love Ian Bell, and quite right too. He is a joy to watch.
143rd over: England 548-6 (Bopara 23, Prior 0) Matt Prior is the new batsman. There are worse men to have at No8.
144th over: England 549-6 (Bopara 24, Prior 0) "Stag dos descend on Edinburgh in their droves every Friday, regular as clockwork," enthuses Alex Sharp. "Anyway, about the only place I could find to watch some cricket during the Trent Bridge Test was Belushi's on Market St – staffed by Aussies, barrels of black coffee and and a friendly fellow Englishman called Samuel to keep me company. Some Spanish backpackers came in during the lunch break to watch muted footage of a Matt Prior wicket-keeping masterclass. I think they left culturally enlightened."
145th over: England 551-6 (Bopara 25, Prior 1) England are 551 for six. Yep, 551 for six. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH. "I agree that Irish fans shouldn't feel slighted about the English team," says Robin Lynch. "Perhaps there will be some regret that Ireland can't have a go at the same players that have performed so well in this series, but the fact that Morgan is captain should more than make up for that. Anyway, we are not in a position to demand the best of the best, regardless of the World Cup win." It should be a cracking game now. I think we are OBOing it, if you want to get fresh with F5 on Thursday.
146th over: England 558-6 (Bopara 27, Prior 6) Prior sweeps Mishra hard for four. He won't hang around here. "Begbie would be a fine umpire as long as it was a Twenty20 game as otherwise his attention would wander to thoughts of maiming," says Ian Copestake. "Apart from that no one would argue with his decisions, and in between frantic drags on his ciggie he'd admire any leg-breaks." What would he have done if he saw someone making off with Stanford's suitcase?
147th over: England 567-6 (Bopara 35, Prior 7) Bopara deliberately slices a cut stroke for four off Raina, and then helps himself to consecutive twos.
148th over: England 569-6 (Bopara 36, Prior 8) Bopara cuts Mishra for a single off the last ball of the over. England aren't going to declare before lunch now, obviously, so I reckon they will bat for about an hour after lunch and then put India in. "Alex Sharp's mention of Belushi's (a backpacker hostel with a bar, as it goes) and the not-uncoincidental Aussie staffing reminds me of another possibility – the Walkabout, an Aussie theme pub on the side of the Omni Centre on Leith Street," says Graham Smart. "They might show it too. If it's not full of stag/hen victims strewn with L-plates, hilarious 'team' T-shirts and vomit."
149th over: England 571-6 (Bopara 37, Prior 9) The two spinners are rattling through the overs, which is good for India's over rate at least. "Here's some information about the Ireland squad, for those interested," says John Boon. "Surely they would put up as much fight in Test cricket as India have done, if only due to the natural rivalry the fixture would entail."
150th over: England 579-6 (Bopara 39, Prior 11) Prior misses a yahoo at a ball from Mishra that turns a mile out of the rough and goes for four byes. Bopara is almost run out later in the over after a dreadful mix up, but a shocking throw from point allows him to survive.
151st over: England 582-6 (Bopara 41, Prior 12) England are on the brink of yet another record: they have never scored 600 in consecutive innings before. They've only ever done it 19 times.
152nd over: England 591-6 (Bopara 44, Prior 18) Prior is such a busy batsman, able to skin an opponent with boundaries or aggressive running between the wicket. He demonstrates both in that over from Mishra, first with a very quick single and then a beautifully timed reverse sweep for four. "Stanford's suitcase had about £50 in it, didn't it?" says Mark Hooper. "Above a layer of old newspapers and foam bricks sprayed gold." Begbie could have used the bricks.
153rd over: England 591-6 (Bopara 44, Prior 18) The last over of the session is a maiden from Raina to Bopara. He has had a nice spell in the middle, and England have had yet another fine session, with Ian Bell makes a career-best 235. Alan Gardner will be with you after lunch. For those with Sky, get out the popcorn: Dennis Lillee and Javed Miandad are about to square up.
LUNCH
Did anyone just see that execrable Lucozade/Buck Rogers advert? Ugh. It's on YouTube but I won't link to it. And while we're on the subject, does anyone know what the Hellzaboppin is going on here?
Anyway, to the ritual slaughter in Kennington. That was a shocking session, wasn't it? England lost three wickets. Somebody needs to get a grip ... Ahem. As Rob noted, back-to-back scores of 600 are well within England's reach and should they knock off those nine runs, it will be the fourth time they have reached such heights in less than a year. If India can't reach 300 for the first time in the series, then we'll likely have another bloodbath on our hands. That's unless the weather intervenes - and I gather the covers are just being put on at The Oval. Dang.
Some playground high jinx, in the old style. Lillee has just been talking about his white line fever on Sky. Jimmy's still got a way to go, hasn't he?
Some questions that might be answered this afternoon:
1) Will Ravi Bopara reach a confidence-boosting fifty?
2) If so, will he maintain his 100% conversion rate in Tests?
3) Will England declare before tea to have a crack at India?
4) Or will they go for an unprecedented second consecutive 700?
5) Can Virender Sehwag buy a run?
6) Do India have any spunk left in them whatsoever?
But we won't be cracking any of those teasers just yet, as the fo' drizzle is coming down at The Oval. We might have to sit this out for a wee while. Has anyone managed to get full marks on Brian Cloughley's Coen brothers quotes quiz yet?
It's still raining, so Sky are showing highlights of the morning session. For all your entertainment live coverage needs, why not pay Scott Murray a visit? He's announcing the Arsenal-Liverpool game, where it's 0-0 at half-time!
Hooray for Jim Goldsmith dept. "We've got tickets booked for the last day so I'm afraid to say that I'm not only welcoming the rain, I'm also hoping for a decent Indian batting effort for the first time this season. A draw with Sachin's 100th century on Monday would do me very nicely. Does this make me selfish?" Generation Me. Generation Meh. Talkin' bout meh generation ... Sorry, where was I? I hope you have a lovely day Jim, and that Sachin Tendulkar gets to his hundred with a six which lands right in your lap.
Lemon Jelly is playing on The Oval PA. Which means it's Peanut Butter Jelly time for me.
Simon Drew is on Apostrophe Watch today. "Please help.. Is the grammar right?" he asks. I think he already knows the answer. That t-shirt's got BANTER written all over it, hasn't it? Who knew that the male cricketing populace were in any position to be so picky, though?
Move along, nothing to see here. We're heading for a repeat of Thursday's middle session. Expect the OBO mice to go on strike any minute n
Only kidding ... I'm still here, a fridge door with magnetic letters stuck to my face. You can rearrange them to make rude words fun sentences. Like Ryan Dunne has: "The Haribo advert itself might be brain-bleach worthy, but it's got nothing on the comments beneath it. Zoinks." Go take a look at the most-recommended comment and try telling yourself that the end of civilisation isn't far off.
Sky, meanwhile, are showing highlights of England's extraordinary World Cup match against India. Go on, dig in.
And for those with shorter attention spans, Romney Taylor offers up this mash-up: "Boycott and Blowers on Katy Perry from the second test at Trent Bridge. Something to watch while we wait for the rain to stop!"
Ollie Williams has the weather from The Oval. Actually, it's probably somewhere in between those two forecasts - it's already raining but, as far as I'm aware, not sideways.
"Yes that Haribo advert is a shocker, but then they should never have cut-off the original Clint-inspired ending ..." growls Thomas Jenkins, who seems to have confused a dementedly smiling, possibly Teutonic family for a bunch of hoolie Koreans. "GET OFF MY TARMAC. PS. I can't be the only one to watch that Saturday Story to think that, in hindsight, Sky should have just given over the whole half-hour to stories of what might have occured during their post-dust-up drinking days, can I?" Sort of cricketing celebrity death match style, you mean? Or something along the lines of a Dennis and Javed buddy movie?
IT'S RAINING, IT'S POURING, THE OBO MEN ARE SNORING
By the way, someone sent us some cakes yesterday and mighty fine they were too. Good for everyday of the week, I'd say. If anyone in the Kings Cross area happens to pick up a six pack and some doughnuts and wants to drop them off at the front desk, that could also work.
The sun has come out ... Somewhere over the east coast of the US.
Tell you what, that last statement wasn't far off - the skies have gone from black to blue down Kennington way and it looks like we'll have some cricket this afternoon after all. Which means I'll no longer have to keep up the OBO equivalent of this (enough with the Family Guy clips - Guardian Humour Ed) ...
Tea will be taken at 4.10pm, according to OBO sources, at which time the umpires will conduct a pitch inspection. There's the potential for play to continue until 7.30pm. My stint as weatherman is pretty much over, so Rob will back to guide you through the final session. Will England continue to amass runs or decide to declare with Ravi Bopara cruelly stuck on 44? Find out here shortly.
Hello again. While we wait for the inspection, here's a video of the infamous Dean Jones farce in 1990-91. We should get play sooner rather than later, probably around 4.45pm; it's a beautiful sunny afternoon in London. The nature of England's practice – all balls, no bats – suggests they are going to declare.
Update: the pitch inspection will now take place at 4.30pm.
4.33pm Play will resume at 4.50pm and should go on until 7.30pm.
4.42pm England, as expected, have declared on their lunchtime score of 591 for six. There goes a killer stat about them reaching 600 in consecutive Test innings for the first time ever. Gautam Gambhir won't be opening for India; he suffered mild concussion yesterday when he banged his head after dropping Kevin Pietersen. There are 38 overs to bowl, although play cannot go on beyond 7.30pm.
WICKET! India 8-1 (Sehwag LBW b Anderson 8) What a start for England. Virender Sehwag avoids another golden duck but doesn't survive the first over. The third and fourth balls were slammed ominously to the point boundary and then the sixth trapped him in front. I thought there was an inside edge, but the fact Simon Taufel raised his finger was a huge clue: he never gets it wrong, and replays confirmed that the noise was in fact bat on pad. Sehwag jumped back in his crease and played around a straight one that would have hit the leg bail.
1st over: India 8-1 (Dravid 0, Laxman 0) "It's also raining in Sao Paulo and so I'm doing my Portuguese homework reading OBO and hanging out in the hotel here," says Claire Garner. "Having just listened to Boycott's musings on Katy Perry, is it too late to suggest Russell Brand as a guest commentator on TMS? Would certainly lead to some interesting banter in the rain breaks?" No. Please no.
2nd over: India 10-1 (Dravid 1, Laxman 2) Poor old Rahul Dravid is opening the batting again. He has had quite a tour, what with taking the gloves at Lord's as well. A true great like Dravid deserves better than to be the odd-job man. Dravid gets off the mark, and then Laxman is beaten by a seaming lifter from Broad.
3rd over: India 12-1 (Dravid 2, Laxman 2) There is a small amount of swing for Anderson, not much really, and Dravid works an outswinger from Anderson off his pads for a single. "England top of the Test rankings and now Lancashire top of the Division One table?" sniffs Phil Sawyer. "This is all a dream, isn't it? I'm going to find myself sitting in the exam hall naked doing my O-levels any moment now, aren't I? Do you even exist?" O-levels? Grandad.
WICKET! India 13-2 (Laxman c Prior b Broad 2) It's happening again. England are bowling beautifully, and VVS Laxman has gone. He felt outside off stump for a fine delivery that was just short of a length and then swung away enough to take the edge on its way to Matt Prior.
4th over: India 13-2 (Dravid 3, Tendulkar 0) That was a fantastic over from Broad, which also included a strangled LBW shout against Dravid. England have abolished the loosener.
5th over: India 17-2 (Dravid 7, Tendulkar 0) Dravid and Tendulkar need to add 18 runs to become the most prolific partnership in Test history. Dravid gets four of them through a withering cut stroke off Anderson. He looks solid and determined, as he has all series.
6th over: India 17-2 (Dravid 7, Tendulkar 0) Tendulkar is beaten second ball by a lovely delivery from Broad. England's fast bowling is utterly remorseless. It's wonderful. The next ball brings a strangled shout when Tendulkar walks across his stumps to an inducker. That was a better shout than it looked at first, although Hawkeye shows it was going over the top. A very good maiden from Broad, who has figures of 3-1-4-1.
7th over: India 25-2 (Dravid 15, Tendulkar 0) Dravid times Anderson through midwicket for four and then glides another boundary to third man. "Is it me," says Sam Korn, "or is England's substitute fielder Justin Bieber?" Arf. This is the kid in question.
8th over: India 29-2 (Dravid 15, Tendulkar 4) Tendulkar is rammed on the helmet by an excellent bouncer from Broad. He ducked into it and it clattered him right on the side of the head, forcing the helmet to wobble unpleasantly. Tendulkar is fine to continue, and his drives the next ball delightfully down the ground for four to get off the mark. This is an excellent contest.
9th over: India 29-2 (Dravid 15, Tendulkar 4) A maiden from Anderson to Rahul Dravid, who looks watertight at the moment. Dravid has generally enjoyed himself at The Oval. In 2002 he made a double century and in 2007 he led India to a famous series victory.
10th over: India 31-2 (Dravid 16, Tendulkar 5) Dravid plays and misses at a fine delivery from Broad that holds its line. Broad is bowling with fierce purpose. What a series he has had; he averages 60.66 with the bat and 11.81 with the ball. Just a couple of singles in the over, the second of which makes Dravid and Tendulkar the most productive Test partnership ever, ever. "You might want to check out substitute fielder Rory Burns' wikipedia page," says Erin Murphy. "I think one of his mates is having a laugh: 'Despite looking like a gnome who would be best placed in a front garden Burns' time at CLFS was a successful one his only failure at CLFS was in the quest for Charlotte Sharpe. She eluded him but he grew stronger for the experience but knew that his dodgy lid would forever hold him back.'"
11th over: India 39-2 (Dravid 20, Tendulkar 5) Tim Bresnan replaces Jimmy Anderson, and Dravid tucks a rare poor ball off the pads for four. Another errant delivery later in the over scuttles away for four leg byes.
12th over: India 40-2 (Dravid 20, Tendulkar 6) Dravid is squared up and beaten by a lifting, swinging, seaming monster from Broad. What a delivery! Dravid looks at the pitch, nods and smiles warmly. This has been a storming opening spell from Broad, who now has figures of 6-1-11-1.
13th over: India 42-2 (Dravid 20, Tendulkar 7) Bresnan's line isn't quite right at the moment, with a few deliveries slipping down the leg side, so it's a pretty comfortable over for Dravid and Tendulkar.
14th over: India 44-2 (Dravid 22, Tendulkar 7) A fuller delivery from Broad is pushed pleasantly past mid on for two by Dravid. These two are having to work really hard to keep out Broad, who is bowling with significant force. "Part of me wishes we'd gone in for another 15 mins to get Ravi his 50 and England another 600," says Guy Hornsby. "This series has been a statgasm from start to finish but the measure of how far we've come in a few years is that we're ruthless enough to sacrifice such an immense record for the good of victory. Steve Waugh will be nodding sagely now I'd wager. I am too busy trying unsuccessfully to quell by schoolboy excitement about attending tomorrow. Its going to be amazing seeing SRT finally after 36 years." It wasn't really an issue, was it? I doubt England gave that record a moment's thought.
15th over: India 50-2 (Dravid 22, Tendulkar 14) Graeme Swann replaces Tim Bresnan, who will presumably change ends. Swann should enjoy working with the rough that RP Singh has created. Tendulkar gets four and then two with premeditated paddles, before the fifth ball turns and bounces nastily, hitting Tendulkar in the stomach.
16th over: India 55-2 (Dravid 22, Tendulkar 18) Bresnan has dropped Tendulkar! He switched ends as expected, and Tendulkar drove his first delivery back whence it came. Bresnan thrust out his left hand but couldn't hang on. They either stick or they don't. Then Tendulkar ducks into another short ball, this time wearing it in the ribs, before surviving a huge LBW shout. He planted his front foot and was nowhere near a delivery that was angled in from wide of the crease. It was just sliding down the leg side. An eventful over continues when Tendulkar is beaten, and concludes when he slams four past point.
17th over: India 59-2 (Dravid 26, Tendulkar 18) Dravid eases back in his crease to force Swann through extra cover for four, a fabulous stroke. The next ball spits viciously and ends up in the hands of Cook, diving forward from short leg. England appeal but Simon Taufel says not out, and they decide not to review the decision. Quite right too, because it hit only the pad and chest of Dravid.
18th over: India 64-2 (Dravid 30, Tendulkar 19 Dravid times Bresnan behind square leg for four. He is playing beautifully. You have to admire the man's pride. A few of his teammates started phoning it in three weeks ago but he has not yielded an inch. All men should be like Rahul Dravid.
WICKET! India 68-3 (Tendulkar c Anderson b Swann 23) Tendulkar has gone! He premeditated a sweep at Swann, which is a dangerous shot when the ball is bouncing, and it kicked enough off the pitch to the wristband at the end of the glove. The ball looped over the head of Prior, but Anderson ran round from slip to take a comfortable catch. Tendulkar walked straight off without reviewing the decision.
19th over: India 68-3 (Dravid 30, Raina 0) The new batsman is Suresh Raina, who has had a very uncomfortable series. He has 15 men round the bat but survives the rest of the over.
20th over: India 73-3 (Dravid 35, Raina 0) Dravid slugs a short ball from Bresnan through square leg for four and is then drawn towards a lifter that beats the outside edge.
21st over: India 74-3 (Dravid 36, Raina 0) An email! "I happily escaped the attention and humiliation of three successive defeats by going on holiday to Hungary with the missus to celebrate our third anniversary," says Anand. "The only hope for better cricket results was that India always pulled off their most memorable victories when I did not watch – Eden Gardens 2001 and last year's Boxing Day Test against SA. So, only one innings done in almost three days adds credence to my theory given that 300 by India would count as a win." I can't believe they still haven't reached 300 in the series. The world's gone mad.
22nd over: India 78-3 (Dravid 40, Raina 0) Dravid opens the face to steer Bresnan to third man for four. How many runs have Dravid and Bell made there in this series? Third man is the new extra cover.
23rd over: India 78-3 (Dravid 40, Raina 0) Swann is toying with Raina, mixing up his pace, line, turn, flight and even the degree of disdain with which he looks at the batsman after each delivery. The fifth ball pops filthily from a length and Raina can only edge it towards gully, where Strauss can't hang on to a desperately tricky low chance. He just couldn't get his left hand under the ball. It's a maiden, and Raina has 0 from 14 balls. Swann could clean up here, as he is producing at least one snorter per over.
24th over: India 80-3 (Dravid 40, Raina 0) Dravid survives a big if belated appeal for caught behind by Bresnan. He was beaten by a beautiful full-length. There was a noise, but it was bat on pad. No shoelace-related fun this time. Anyway, I have to head off, so Alan Gardner will describe the last nine overs of the day's play. You can email him at alan.gardner.casual@guardian.co.uk. Night.
25th over: India 83-3 (Dravid 43, Raina 0) Ah, this is a treat: some actual cricket. And England are on top, I see. For a change. Are India really going to fail to muster 300 again? The last time they went six innings without reaching that total was in 2006-07, in Tests against West Indies and South Africa, but they're looking a seventh in the eye here. Swann is wheeling in, trying to get some change from Dravid, who chops a late cut for four. He plays the same shot later in the over for a single, and Raina, still on nought, survives the final two balls.
26th over: India 87-3 (Dravid 47, Raina 0) Broad replaces Bresnan. After all that bother about his place in the team earlier this summer, he's gliding into the wicket like he's on a cloud now. That doesn't stop Dravid blapping a short, wide one for four, however. By the way, and you'll like this, Chris Gayle has been tweeting – he wants the ICC to let his hand-picked XI to take on England at Lord's, where he says they would win in four days. Here's his side: "GayleXl...1. C.Gayle 2.G.Smith 3.J.Kallis 4.S.Tendulkar 5.M.Clark 6.S.Chanderpaul 7.M.Dhoni 8.D.Vettori 9.D.Steyn 10.M.Morkel 11.F.Edwards."
27th over: India 87-3 (Dravid 47, Raina 0) Swann is attempting to hypnotise Raina into giving his wicket away before the close. After that maiden, he's still to score having faced 25 balls ... "So you're Smyth's nightwatchman, then, Alan? This is the first time I'd appreciate a clatter of wickets after the nightwatchman has been deployed." I'm more like a runner, Phil Sawyer, in for the final bit of yakka this evening. Rob is never out, as such. Wherever he his, he bats on.
28th over: India 90-3 (Dravid 50, Raina 0) Dravid flicks a couple off his hips before another single sees him past fifty for the third time in the series. He's converted both the previous half-centuries into three figures. And he's batting as a substitute opener. This is a rich vein of form. Broad goes up for half an appeal against Raina, after clipping his pads with a ball that was angled across the left-hander - but it was never coming back enough.
WICKET! Raina 0 st Prior b Swann (29th over: India 93-4) Has Swann got his man? That's an excellent bit of bowling if he has, and smart work behind the stumps by Prior. Raina pushed forward and overbalanced, beaten by the turn, and Prior whipped off the bails as the batsman tried to stretch his boot back into the crease. It looks like his toe is on the line as the wicket is broken ... and he is given out! After 29 balls, the torture is over.
29th over: India 93-4 (Dravid 53, Sharma 0) That was an excellent piece of bowling from Swann, who tossed the ball up and finally drew Raina into an attacking shot. The pressure told, as Raina drove hard at the ball, looking to get off the mark, and by the time his bat had reached the top of its aborted arc, he was done for. Swann also had an enthusiastic shout for lbw against Dravid, who was playing a shot but did get a big stride forward. His series bowling average is down into the fifties. India send in Ishant Sharma as their nightwatchman.
30th over: India 95-4 (Dravid 54, Sharma 1) "I think I just overdosed on exclamation marks from Chris Gayle's twitter feed," says Tim Xumsai. The exclamation mark is the most devalued of punctuatiuon marks in the modern age, isn't it? They're scattered around like moron confetti. Though if anyone can get away with, it's Gayle.
31st over: India 95-4 (Dravid 54, Sharma 1) Strauss has five men around the bat for Swann bowling to Sharma. Can he survive until the close, with the close catchers lurking (and probably calling him rude names)?
WICKET! Sharma 1 c Cook b Swann (31st over: India 95-5) No. The final ball of the over was deflected by an inside edge and the pad straight into the hands of Cook at short leg. So Dhoni will have to bat after all.
32nd over: India 98-5 (Dravid 56, Dhoni 1) Dravid aside, India have descended into a rabble. England have almost taken as many wickets in 30-odd overs as India did in 150. Kevin Pietersen is brought on at the other end, to try and dupe one of these two out and Dravid again pads up to the spinner, stepping well outside off. He's taking a chance by not playing a shot - but he knows what he's doing. Not out. Here's Doris: "Sadly(?) the nonsense quoted in over 10 disappeared by the time I looked at Rory's page but I did notice it was marked for deletion unless some handy OBO-er adds in references to say why he deserves a mention. I'd say deleting his wikipedia page due to lack of notoriety would be unduly hasty - the kid looks like a prospect! Being on the field during this soon-to-be-famous match/series might help. He and I were born in the same hospital." Can the OBO save Rory Burns?
33rd over: India 103-5 (Dravid 57, Dhoni 5) Swann is to bowl the last over of the day, with Dravid on strike. There's no way over, under or around the Wall but England do go up for a big appeal for another bat-pad catch off Dhoni, with Ian Bell taking a superb, tumbling catch at the second attempt. Simon Taufel decides there wasn't any bat involved, though, and he was probably right. Dhoni retaliates the only way he knows how, by sweeping the final ball of the day for four. So, that brings to a close another easy-as-you-like day in the life of the world's No1 Test team. Join me again tomorrow morning to find out if England can beat both the weather and the opposition and secure that whitewash. Cheerio