Eoin Morgan's exceptional 89 not out from 63 balls helped England to a fine 15-run victory after losing an important toss
Preamble Morning. Excited? You betcha. It's England v Australia. England v Australia. England v Australia. England v Australia. And while we might regret this series later in the summer – in short, this is the reason we can't have a four-Test series against South Africa – for now there is just anticipation of five intense games of Poms and Cobbers. The last time these two sides met, it was a hopeless, desperate mismatch, but the beaten side have made great strides since then. That's right, England are a much better one-day side than they were when they lost 6-1 to Australia just after the 2010-11 Ashes.
That series has largely been forgotten, of course – never underestimate the power of denial - and that winter will always be remembered for England putting Australia across their knee in the Ashes. The Aussies also failed to win the World Cup for the first time since 1996, so it wasn't exactly their finest winter. But they have rebuilt impressively via their patented method of blooding a load of intimidatingly good young players – the best of them, the teenager Pat Cummins, will play today – and they are no longer so baggy green around the gills. In fact Australia are in pr-itty good health: first in the ODI rankings (a position they have held since September 2009, in fact, despite that relative World Cup failure) and back up to third in the Test table.
This will be a thrilling test for England's developing one-day side. There is another element to the series, too: in a year's time many of these players will begin back-to-back Ashes series. We should not overstate the extent to which these five matches will inform those Ashes campaigns, but nor should we ignore it. England's 2005 victory effectively began a year earlier when they beat Australia – and performed a public exorcism, albeit without spinning heads and all that freaky stuff – in the 2004 Champions League semi-final.
Australia have won the toss and will bowl first. That's a good toss to win, and Alastair Cook says England would have done the same. Both sides are unchanged – England from the second ODI gainst the West Indies, Australia from the side that routed Essex the other day.
England Cook (c), Bell, Trott, Morgan, Bopara, Kieswetter (wk), Bresnan, Broad, Swann, Anderson, Finn.
Australia Watson, Warner, Bailey, Clarke (c), D Hussey, Smith, Wade (wk), Lee, Cummins, McKay, Doherty.
(Don't you) dare to dream department If England win 5-0 they will go top of the ODI rankings, and would be top in all three forms of the game. No side has ever done that before, not even Australia, so we could all die happy.
Guardian disclaimer: England will not win 5-0.
This has nothing to do with this particular game, but just look at him.
Once you reach a certain age, it's generally not a good thing to be excited about teenage talent. But we'll make an exception for Pat Cummins. This kid really is exceptional. He has only played four first-class games and will not turn 20 till next May but – to nick Sir Alex Ferguson's quote about a teenage Paul Scholes – if he doesn't make it, we might as well all pack up and go home. Here he is taking a glorious six-for on Test debut against South Africa last winter. The English cricket lover in us should be very afraid; the cricket lover in us should be even more excited.
(Some moron on the OBO may have said something similar about Phil Hughes back in 2009. But we're right this time.)
Here come the players "Jeepers, this is exciting, isn't it?" says David Horn. "No more worry about two banks of four, about penalties, about keeping our shape/dignity/self respect for 90 minutes. Cricket. Proper cricket (almost).
"But, and further to your Patrick Cummins musings, what is getting me really, really, excited is actually the prospect of the Ashes next year. The prospect that, for the first time in ages, there might be two evenly matched sides both performing really well. 2005 felt like the Aussie Greats' last hurrah (even though it was their last Ashes hurrah but one), 2007, well, let's not … 2009 felt like it was our turn, 2011 felt a bit, well, too easy. But 2013 should be fantastic. The likes of Cummins, Warner, Wade all coming through … versus Finn, Cook, and Broad. Oooh, it's making me all sweaty. In a good way.
"And this feels like a delicious introduction to all of it.
"Splendid!"
Preach on brother.
1st over: England 2-0 (Cook 1, Bell 1) It's overcast at Lord's, the lights are on, and this isn't going to be easy for England. Brett Lee, the youngest looking 35-year-old in the world since I turned 36, will open the bowling. Alastair Cook, who is playing his first ODI against Aussies, fiddles the first ball to third man to get off the mark. That brings Ian Bell on strike, and he is beaten by a beast of a delivery that lifts sharply and moves away off the seam. A quick single off the next ball gets Bell off the mark.
"I read your comment about the 2004 Champions Trophy semi-final, and smiled to myself," says Steve Pye. "And then for some strange reason Port Elizabeth 2003 popped into my head and I started sweating and shivering at the same time. What a painful defeat that was, but as long as Bevan batted you simply knew Australia would beat us. That was the day I thought we'd never beat the Aussies in a close finish, but of course Edgbaston 2005 happened and the rest is history (ignoring 06/07 of course)." That was such a weird game, not just because of the narrative but because England knew they could win and go out or lose and go through. It was classic Bevan though, one of his top five innings probably.
2nd over: England 6-0 (Cook 1, Bell 1) Clint McKay, an accurate, almost English-style bowler who has a cracking ODI record of 52 wickets at 21.84, will share the new ball. His first ball to Bell is too straight and slips away for four leg byes. There was a bit of an LBW shout but it was swinging well down the leg side. Both teams have one review per innings. McKay is bowling a full length and beats Bell with a cracker off the last ball of the over. These aren't easy batting conditions.
"That Curtly Ambrose montage was superb," says Simon McMahon. "What a bowler. Is it true that his mum used to go outside and ring a bell whenever he took a wicket? If it's not it should be." That story does, erm, ring a bell. If it's true, the neighbours wouldn't have had much rest on January 30 1993.
RAIN STOPS PLAY. 2.2 overs: England 6-0 (Cook 1, Bell 1) After 14 balls, a burst of rain has brought the players off the field. It's only a shower so they shouldn't be away for long. The umpires are staying out on the field. Maybe they're just addicted to the smell of rain. "Drizzle!" chirps Peter Harmer. "High hopes for another rain-induced Smyth breakdown."
"Mud, rain and beer," says Guy Hornsby. "But enough about Heaton Park, it should be lovely at the cricket today. Like half of England in their middle age (well, 37) I'm off to see the Roses this weekend. Not unlike England's 00s one-day side. It'll burn bright with initial euphoria, to be replaced by drunken disappointment, but then you'll still feel, like all good masochists, that your had to be THERE."
Is there a point to reunion gigs? Well clearly there is – that pesky tax bill – but is there a point to attending them? Why would you want to allow your joyous nostalgia to be squashed by the miserable reality of advancing years?
No, no I couldn't get a ticket.
3rd over: England 6-0 (Cook 1, Bell 1) The players are back after a six-minute delay. Lee steams in to complete his second over and beats Cook with another good delivery. It's so hard to balance run-scoring and survival when you start a one-day innings in conditions like these. It's not a seaming monster, but it's doing enough and Australia are bowling a challenging full length. A maiden from Lee.
4th over: England 8-0 (Cook 2, Bell 2) There's a slight whiff of Lord's 1995 about this, when Mike Atherton took something like 29 balls to get off the mark against Ambrose and Bishop and then, as conditions eased, went on to make a glorious century. Batting was much tougher then but it's still tricky here. Ian Bell, deprived of the oxygen of runs, has a brain fade; he takes a crazy single to Cummins at mid on and would have been well out with a direct hit. Australia have bowled a beautiful length to Bell thus far: 77 per cent good, 23 per cent full, nothing short.
5th over: England 11-0 (Cook 4, Bell 3) Cook is beaten again, lunging into a drive at a gorgeous full-length delivery from Lee that rips away off the seam. This is very classy stuff from Australia. Saying which, the next ball is a touch too short and cut viciously by Cook. Warner at backward point saves the boundary with a brilliant dive to his left. Australia look the part in the field; intense and purposeful. "Curtly's mum really did ring a bell in Swetes when he got a wicket," says Mike Selvey. "When he had that 7 for 1 spell in Perth, it was going off like the Trumpton fireengine on a call out."
REVIEW! England 12-0 (Bell not out 3) Bell is cut in half by a big nipbacker from McKay and given out caught behind down the leg side. He reviews it straight away, however. It definitely hit his trousers, but there's no sign of an inside edge on Hotspot. He should get away with this. Before we find out the decision, the players walk off the field because rain has stopped play for the second time.
This is bizarre. Bell still doesn't know whether the decision has been overturned. That's the second time in a year – the Edgbaston Test against India being the other – where Bell has been waiting by the boundary edge to find out whether he's in or out. He's in. That's the right decision, and England go off on 12 for nought after a very tricky 5.2 overs.
11.22am This will be a slightly longer delay, although the forecast for the rest of the day is pretty good. Talking of which, how good is this.
11.24am "Having had the pleasure of seeing The Damned play in Brisbane earlier this year I have to say the best thing about reunion/aging bands has to be the sight of 'The middle aged mosspit'," says Phil Withall. "Nothing like watching a small group of self-conscious accountants trying to relive the old days before having another small glass of Merlot and clapping politely. Rock on." The worst thing is that some of them are so long in the tooth that they've forgotten whether it's a moshpit or a mosspit. At least you didn't call it the mothpit I suppose.
11.29am "Tempting fate alert," says Chris Evans. "That Australia batting line-up looks weak to me. Bailey at No3? Hardly earth shattering. Steve Smith? Poor man's Adil Rashid." I think Steve Smith has got something. It's true, though, that we have seen stronger Australia top sixes. And stronger Australia A top sixes. Just look at this. Matthew Wade is very good at No7, mind, provided he's not facing Sunil Narine.
11.30am Play will restart in 300 seconds' time. We haven't lost any overs yet.
11.32am "Sorry Rob," says Phil Withall. "I will blame auto spell technology and shuffle off into the night muttering to myself and wondering where I left my glasses..."
RAIN STOPS PLAY. 6th over: England 15-0 (Cook 7, Bell 4) Cook almost falls to the second ball after the resumption. He carved at a shortish delivery outside off stump and edged it just over the leaping David Hussey at second slip. Brett Lee hared round the third man boundary to save a couple of runs with a splendid dive. We still haven't had a boundary in the innings, although you can't really criticise the batsmen for that. Or the umpires for taking the players off for the third time, because it's pelting down again. The forecast is reasonable for the rest of day, it says on social networking fiasco Twitter, and the showers have all been brief thus far.
One paaahnd twenty yer umbrellas Tom Barron has sent a picture of he and two friends at Lord's, each sheltering under a copy of the Guardian. It's good that you've finally found a legitimate use for this esteemed organ, but surely you didn't each buy a copy? Or are you just using separate sections? G2 is a much trendier umbrella. All the cool kids prefer that one.
11.47am "Why are nearly all references these days when English pundits talk Aus v Eng either post scripted or prefaced with variations on 'ignoring 2006-07 of course'?" says Lee Henderson. "Why ignore it? You were flogged, you were beaten like only one other side playing for England was ever flogged and your yet to do it once to us,but... We certainly don't airbrush away 2005/2009/2010-11 – far from it, they are rallying points."
I think it's, like, a joke. A bit of a tired joke, admittedly, but still a joke.
11.49am "Whilst the Bevan innings at Port Elizabeth was all well and good (faint praise indeed), I think my mind had erased itself of how good Andy Bichel was in that game - 7 for 20 off 10 overs! 7 for 20!" sniffs Ali McLaren. "Plus he then chipped in with vital lower order runs. And he wasn't even nearly the best Aussie bowler around at that point. Makes me pine for Mitchell Johnson."
He had an astonishing tournament. He averaged 117 with the bat and 12.31 with the ball. At one point in the tournament he had taken 12 wickets for 33 at an average of 2.75!
12.01pm "Unfortunately it was just one copy," says Tom Barron of Guardianbrellagate. "The guy that bought it got the main paper, the Indy kid got G2 and I got stuck with the travel (Florence looks lovely)."
12.02pm The covers have been invited to do one. It shouldn't be long now.
12.04pm This is what's happening.
12.05pm Play will resume at 12.10pm. I'm off for a power nap. See you in five minutes for the restart.
7th over: England 22-0 (Cook 7, Bell 11) Pat Cummins will bowl the first over after the break. He's a strong lad with a vigorous action, and starts at around 87mph. He induces a false stroke from Bell off the fourth ball, a pull stroke at a slightly wider delivery that is top edged high over the slip cordon for the first boundary of the innings. Bell pushes the next ball classily back whence it came for three. "I know, I know," says Guy Hornsby. "It'll probably be crap, but you know, I never saw them back then and if I didn't go and it was amazing then I'd be gutted. Either way, Friday off work. Wahey!" You weren't at their legendary gig at Reading in 1996?
8th over: England 25-0 (Cook 7, Bell 13) The England Women's team are at the ground after their impressive T20 victory over India at Chelmsford yesterday. McKay bowls an off-side wide to Bell, who then squirts one in the air but short of backward point. Then he's beaten outside off. England will probably play this like a 1980s one-day innings (or, in their case, 2007): keep wickets in hand and try to go through the gears as conditions improve.
"This summer's cricket has been largely "two-eyed", says Jeff Goines, "but all that was in danger after the day's first patented "Brett Lee Follow-through Smirk". If Warner gets around to performing his little pirouette thingy after a reverse sweep later on, I should imagine we'll all be back to despising the opposition pretty sharpish. Which of course is as it should be against this lot (and will be handy practice for when the South Africans arrive, to boot)." I know what you mean, although cricket doesn't really provoke that sort of emotion, does it? It brings out the two-eyed, fair-minded hippy in us all, which is one of the more important of the 47412342354235245624 reasons it's the greatest game of all.
9th over: England 27-0 (Cook 8, Bell 14) Cummins hits 90mph for the first time in his second over. Cook tries to pull a short delivery but is maybe done a little for pace and top edges it on the pace to fine leg. "I like what I see so far" says Sir Ian Botham of Pat Cummins. The most impressive thing, for all his hustle and pace, is arguably his maturity. His control is exceptional for a teenager, and he knows how to work a batsman over too, as he showed with a wonderful spell to Jacques Kallis on his Test debut.
10th over: England 37-0 (Cook 8, Bell 24) Bell walks down the track to McKay and clunks a pull through midwicket for two. He has played pretty aggressively in this third session and takes consecutive boundaries later in the over with a disdainful aerial drive wide of mid-off and a delicious push down the ground. That's exceptional batting. He's beaten off the final ball, though, lured into a dangerous drive at a wider delivery.
"At the Melbourne Cricket Ground watching Hawthorn put Carlton's season to the sword in the football code codified in 1859 to keep cricketers fit in winter while following Australia against England in the cricket on the Guardian website," says Bernard Toogood. "Viva technology!"
11th over: England 43-0 (Cook 13, Bell 25) Cook gets his first boundary with a crisp square drive off Cummins. Runs are coming much more easily now, with 28 in the five overs since the resumption.
12th over: England 46-0 (Cook 14, Bell 27) The left-arm spinner Xavier Doherty replaces Clint McKay. England ate him up in the Ashes but he has a good one-day record. His first over is milked for three singles. "Bell has turned into a remarkable batsman," says Peter Harmer. "Part of me thinks this is the player Ramprakash could have been with a bit more confidence." And a lot more selectorial faith.
13th over: England 52-0 (Cook 15, Bell 32) Shane Watson replaces Pat Cummins. He is an almost unfathomably dangerous bowler in all forms of the games and bowls a tight wicket-to-wicket line. That allows Bell to walk across his stumps and flick a princely boundary wide of midwicket. He is playing beautifully. Cook is beaten later in the over by a good one angled across him. It's hard to know what a good score is on a day like this – I suppose you'd want 250 minimum – but it's fair to say England have done really well thus far after losing the toss.
"I'm working from home today and can't leave as I'm waiting for phone calls/water company," says Lorraine Reese. "I desperately need a cup of tea but have no milk. Have any of your other readers ever made tea with dried milk? Doesn't sound too appealing but desperate times..."
14th over: England 62-0 (Cook 20, Bell 37) "Goooorrrrrrrrrr nice bowling Doug" shouts Matthew Wade after a tough of flight from Doherty. At least I think it was Doug. Bell reverse laps the next ball, a low full toss, for four. He even makes that shot look elegant. Could you make a case for him being the most beautiful England batsman since Gower? I'd go for Michael Vaughan myself, but you could certainly make the case for Bell without being laughed out of a civilised town, if not necessarily an internet comments section. Cook couldn't care less whether he looks beautiful or not. He just makes runs, millions of runs, and there are four more, back cut firmly off Doherty. Ten from the over.
"Afternoon Rob, afternoon all. Please could you not publish any emails about Ian Bell?" says Clare Davies, who becomes the first OBOer to send an email asking me not to publish her email. "We all know what happens when an OBOer praises him. Just leave him alone and let's concentrate on whether the Australians really can claim that this current one-day strip is Australian gold. I'm happy with the green, but to me that other colour looks much more like canary yellow to me." After eight years spouting off about a football golden generation, we really can't criticise other countries' perception of gold.
15th over: England 64-0 (Cook 21, Bell 38) England have scored 47 in eight overs since the break, so Michael Clarke returns to Brett Lee in an attempt to restore a bit of order. He does precisely that, conceding two singles from his fourth over. "Ian savaging Shane," says Jonny Sultoon. "Bellementary my dear Watson." Honk!
16th over: England 69-0 (Cook 23, Bell 41) Australia take their bowling Powerplay, and Watson replaces Doherty. Bell cuts nicely for a couple in an over that brings five. "Enjoying the OBO today from a wet and rainy Accra," says Tim. "Was delighted to find out last week that Ghana has its very own cricket society. It consists of one fairly muddy pitch, and is mostly used by expat Indians, apparently. The Ghanaian, Martin, who showed it to me said most people here don't like cricket. 'Who has five days to stand around? I don't understand it' was his analysis."
WICKET! England 74-1 (Bell LBW b Lee 41) What's the Australian for 'he's got the face on'? Whatever it is, Brett Lee has it here after a laughable misfield from George Bailey gives Alastair Cook a boundary down the ground. Bailey misjudged his attempt to stop the ball on the slide and then tripped over as he chased after his own misfield. There's nothing more foolish than a man chasing his own misfield.
Lee has a different type of face on now because Ian Bell is out! It was a beautiful delivery that nipped back to rap Bell on the pad as he shuffled across his stumps. It was so plumb that a) Lee barely appealed, instead charging down the wicket in celebration before eventually turning round to implore Aleem Dar to raise that goddamn finger; and b) Bell didn't even consider a review. He played nicely though, making 41 from 58 balls with five fours.
17th over: England 74-1 (Cook 28, Trott 0) That was the last ball of the over. Perhaps Bell wasn't plumb after all. Hotspot suggests there may have been a thin inside edge. If there was, even Bell could not discern it because he walked straight off without discussing a review.
"To Lorraine (over 13): if you don't mind the occasional lump then yes, you can use dried milk in tea," says Niall Taylor. "I used to have dried milk at work, as no-one in would steal it. Now my captors and tormentors provide milk so I am denied the experience of finding a yellowish clot at the bottom of the mug."
18th over: England 81-1 (Cook 35, Trott 0) Cook is dropped! That could have two wickets in two balls. Cook got a thin tickle down the leg side to a full delivery from Watson, and the keeper Wade iron-gloved a sharp but catchable chance to his right. Cook takes advantage of the reprieve to slaughter a cut stroke for four later in the over.
19th over: England 87-1 (Cook 40, Trott 1) Cook pulls Lee beautifully round the corner for four. Meanwhile, Snicko supports the perception that Bell definitely got an inside edge onto the pad when he was given out LBW. That's odd. To nick a line from noted cricket fan Swiss Toni, getting an edge is like making love to a beautiful woman – it's pretty unusual not to realise you've done it.
"Re: Ramprakash," says Peter Harmer. "Imagine the batting line up without selectors' ritual destruction of self belief. A confident and in-form Hick brutalising the world's bowling attacks immediately springs to mind but there must be others I've forgotten. My childhood cricket watching could have been far less emotionally scarring. Also, on tea – drink it without milk, you can appreciate the flavour far more." I suppose we'll never know, although their form during their longest spell in the side (Hick from 93-96, Ramprakash from 98-99) suggests they could have cracked it, if not to the level that they did in our dreams. (Hick would never have brutalised those attacks, but he might have averaged in the high thirties in a parallel universe.) Mind you, nothing will ever truly explain the collapse of Hick's form in the summer of 1996 (remember him drilling Ganguly to cover?), except perhaps a Playfair-style curse from Wisden Cricket Monthly. It's not just an issue of selectorial faith of course; fast bowling was seriously good in the 1990s, as we know, and a number of the contemporary run machines wouldn't have enjoyed it much.
20th over: England 88-1 (Cook 40, Trott 2) An accurate over from Watson, who is bowling very straight to Trott. Australia will be pretty happy with that bowling Powerplay: five overs, 24 runs, one wicket.
WICKET! England 89-2 (Cook c Wade b Cummins 40) Pat Cummins gets his first English wicket. The first of many. Cook went for a leaden-footed drive at a fuller, wider delivery and snicked it straight through to Wade. So, for the first time in seven matches this year, an England opener won't make a century in an ODI.
21st over: England 89-2 (Trott 3, Bopara 0) The new batsman is Ravi Bopara, who has some Australian demons to conquer. The last time he faced them was in 2009, when he could barely buy a run.
"Bell, easily," says Jonny Sultoon of the beauty debate that's sweeping the nation. "Vaughan only had two shots - the glorious cover drive and the high knees up pull on one leg. Well, actually three- the miss a straight one and ruffle hair as he plays down Bakerloo. Bell has at least five beautiful shots, including the lovely straight lift off a spinner for six that MPV never played." It's true that Bell had more range but does the sheer beauty of Vaughan's signature shots overcome that? His cover drive was to die for, darling.
22nd over: England 92-2 (Trott 6, Bopara 0) Trott scoops a shorter ball from Watson just short of mid-on. England are under a little pressure just now.
23rd over: England 95-2 (Trott 8, Bopara 1) Cummins demonstrates a hint of mongrel by shaping to throw the ball back at Trott, who ignores him. Trott sometimes gets off to a flyer in ODI innings but that's usually in the Powerplay overs; here he's building his innings in singles. One of those brings Bopara on strike, and Cummins pins him with a cracking short ball that follows him down the slope and smashes into the back of the neck. Hello! Bopara took it like Steve Waugh, almost ignoring the blow, but you can bet he felt it.
"Milk powder in tea?" says Tom Whitley. "Lived on it for thee years whilst living in the rain forests of Vanuatu. DON'T (Niall Taylor Over 17) put the powder directly into the tea - make the milk and pour in as normal. Still ain't as good but its passable."
24th over: England 98-2 (Trott 9, Bopara 2) The sun is out at Lord's now. Doherty replaces Watson and hurries through an over at a cost of three. "Great stuff boys, run-out on here," drawls one of the Australian fielders.
"Tea doesn't have to be pure assam or Earl Grey or anything like that to be surprisingly delicious WITHOUT MILK – not my first choice but better than putting in powdered muck," says Tom Evershed.
25th over: England 103-2 (Trott 10, Bopara 6) Bopara pings Cummins down the ground for three. The camera cuts to the England balcony, where the Test captain Andrew Strauss is chatting to Andy Flower and Alastair Cook. I wonder where Kevin Pietersen is today. Ah, he's in a pool.
26th over: England 111-2 (Trott 15, Bopara 9) Bopara edges a cut at Doherty for a couple. It's important that England don't let Doherty get through his overs for around 40. Trott clearly thinks that's the case; he advances down the track and chips gently and gracefully back over the bowler's head. Eight from the over, a better one for England.
27th over: England 115-2 (Trott 17, Bopara 10) A big let off for Trott! He took a lunatic single into the off side and would have been miles out had the throw from the bowler Cummins hit the stumps at the bowler's end. Michael Clarke is changing his field a helluva lot – he is surely the most attacking, imaginative captain in world cricket today – and that, as Mike Atherton says on Sky, is giving the England batsmen plenty to think about. Bopara is beaten on the drive later in the over. Cummins has bowled well today and has figures of 7-0-28-1. He must the best teenage fast bowler we've seen in world cricket for at least... well actually, it's only two years, since Mohammad Amir, but he is still a serious prospect.
28th over: England 121-2 (Trott 18, Bopara 15) Bopara blazes Doherty through the off side for four and then chips one uncomfortably close to the bowler.
WICKET! England 121-3 (Bopara c Clarke b McKay 15) Clint McKay strikes with the first ball of a new spell! This is excellent captaincy from Michael Clarke, not just with the bowling change but because he kept the slip in – himself, in fact, at around second slip. Bopara, squared up by a good delivery, edged it low to Clarke, who took a nice two-handed catch by his right ankle.
29th over: England 123-3 (Trott 19, Morgan 1) It could be – and you may have heard this once or twice before – Morgan or bust for England. Emails please!
30th over: England 126-3 (Trott 21, Morgan 2) On Sky they are talking about the slight changes in Eoin Morgan's technique. He has reduced that downward press he had in the series against Pakistan. Three from the over.
"Why is it Bopara never seems to me to have a distinctive personality as a batsman?" says Ravi Nair. "All the others, even the not-established ones: Morgan, Bairstow, Hales etc seem to be describable in a single sentence, but Ravi? Dunno..." Some would say he's describable in one word, never mind a sentence. But yes, in terms of personality I know what you mean. We don't really know much more about him now than we did when he played those impressive little innings at the 2007 World Cup.
31st over: England 131-3 (Trott 23, Morgan 5) Morgan is beaten, chasing a wide one from McKay. Australia fancy him there and have two slips in place. Morgan carves a couple through the covers.
REVIEW! England 135-3 (Trott not out 26) Trott is beaten by a jaffa from Doherty – or did he edge it? Clarke is going to review this. That was a strange incident because there wasn't a great amount of conviction in the original appeal. There's nothing on Hotspot but I'm sure I saw a deviation off the edge from the front-on replay. Am I losing it? It's not going to be given out, either way. Hotspot has the final word, Trott survives and the Guardian office is now full of men in cream coats.
32nd over: England 136-3 (Trott 26, Morgan 6) I'd like to see that front-on replay again. "Well that takes Bopara's average down to an even 30," says Jonny Hodgetts. "After 75 matches surely it's time to look elsewhere. Morgan has proven himself as the greater ODI player, so if this series is to be used as a shootout for who gets the Test spot, then Morgan long ago won, bring in the next challenger. What's Bairstow doing?"
The problem is that, in those 75 games, he has only twice had a run of ten consecutive games or more. I'm not sure he'll make it but he deserves a chance to find out one way or the other, especially with the World Cup so far away.
33rd over: England 142-3 (Trott 32, Morgan 7) Clarke never lets the game stand still, so here comes Watson in place of McKay. Six from the over, none in boundaries. Snickometer also suggests Trott didn't edge that ball from Doherty. Hmph.
"I find Clarke's captaincy fascinating – he really is quite brilliant," says Grant Cartledge. "He is the complete antithesis of Ponting in the field - always ahead of the game, unlike Punter's reactionary captaincy. He must have been so frustrated being captained by Ricky."
34th over: England 146-3 (Trott 33, Morgan 10) England will have to take the Powerplay soon. For now they are building a platform in ones and twos. There have only been two boundaries in the last 14 overs.
35th over: England 149-3 (Trott 35, Morgan 11) Three singles from Watson's over. I know this entry isn't exactly a prizewinner but, well, you try sexing up a Shane Watson over that contains three singles. You'd have more luck sexing up Napoleon Dynamite.
"Alternatives to milk in tea," says Joanne Beasley. "If the powdered addition isn't floating your boat try Scotch or Rum; in our family it's known as 'burnt tea'. If you don't like it persevere as after a couple you don't really give one."
36th over: England 151-3 (Trott 36, Morgan 12) Pat Cummins is going to bowl in the Powerplay, and Clarke keeps himself at slip. Morgan, beaten for pace, misses an attempted cut stroke. Two from the over.
"Hello from Lord's! I've just scored my first twenty overs of cricket," says Kat Petersen, who is only 16 overs off the pace. "Got told off for not using different colours for the different bowlers. I didn't know that was a thing." Crikey, nor did I. What I want to know about people who score is: what went wrong, as a child how do they avoid absent-minded doodling all over the page?
37th over: England 157-3 (Trott 37, Morgan 17) Powerplay expert Brett Lee returns at the Pavilion End. Morgan flicks his first ball through midwicket for four, a superbly timed stroke. Trott steers a full toss for a single later in the over – that should have been called no-ball – and then Morgan chops one just wide of his off stump. Six from the over. England will need to slip a gear pretty soon.
38th over: England 170-3 (Trott 43, Morgan 24) Trott is dropped by Cummins! It was a very sharp return catch as Trott drove the ball back whence it came. Cummins stuck out both hands to his left and it bounced down off his left hand. The next ball is a very wide slower ball that Trott flat-bats through extra cover for four. A good over turns into a really good over for England when Morgan clouts a magnificent straight six, the first of the innings.
"My wife is a Lord's today courtesy of a corporate box bought by a load of directors who know nothing about cricket," says Jonathan Sexton. "It's her first game and I'm genuinely torn... I really do want her to have a great time and enjoy it, but I've been seething with jealousy and thoroughly grumpy since she told me about it on Wednesday. I've tried to hide this as best I can. This sort of thing is a well-mined seam on OBO but any advice on what do to when I meet her later and she can't tell me who won?" Ostracism is usually a good, unambiguous method for revealing your true feelings. Failing that, buy her flowers?
39th over: England 182-3 (Trott 52, Morgan 27) Twelve from the over. Morgan slashes Lee over the leaping backward point, and Cummins hares round from long leg to save the boundary with a superb piece of fielding. Trott edges Lee fine for four and then takes two to third man to reach his usual fifty, from 65 balls and with three fours.
"How do you do that scribble through a sentence thing?" says James. "I just cut and pasted a copy of over 36 to my friend (Phil White) who has previous as a cricket scorer, however this didn't really work as the scribbled through line does not copy and paste over so the sentence just ended up not making sense really." In html you type 'del' inside a chevron and then '/del' to close the strikethrough. I think there's a strikethrough button in Word as well. Hours of hilarity. Next on HTML Daily, how to get that lovely italic effect.
40th over: England 189-3 (Trott 54, Morgan 31) Shane Watson ends the Powerplay with an over so uneventful I've forgotten it already. Anyway, seven from it and that makes it 40 from the five-over Powerplay.
WICKET! England 189-4 (Trott b Doherty 54) Bah, darn, balls and blast. For the second time in the day an Australian bowler strikes with the first ball of a new spell. The uber-Swann. This time the bowler is Xavier Doherty. Trott, trying to flick a flighted yorker-length delivery to leg, simply missed the ball and was bowled. He played a typical Jonathan Trott ODI innings really: 54 from 70 balls at a strike rate of 77.
41st over: England 191-4 (Morgan 32, Kieswetter 1) This is a big series for the new batsman Craig Kieswetter, who had plenty to learn even before he was given a whole new role down at No6. "Perhaps you could introduce a regular feature into the OBO of covering html one tag at a time?" says David Chester, who definitely works in the ideas industry. "Or failing that you could do a separate tag by tag.... imagine instead of 39th over you could have and a commentary..... perhaps not. Anyway, can we distract the Aussies with some random html instead, perhaps the Schrödinger's cat is [blink]not[/blink] dead meme?"
Our system doesn't allow chevrons that don't contain standard HTML tags, hence the square brackets rather than the chevrons around 'blink'. And I'm boring myself.
42nd over: England 193-4 (Morgan 33, Kieswetter 2) Kieswetter misses an almighty charging yahoo at the new bowler Clint McKay. Kieswetter has trouble roating the strike sometimes and that's evident here; he takes just one single off the final ball of the over.
43rd over: England 199-4 (Morgan 36, Kieswetter 5) This is Doherty's last over. Will Morgan go for the big shot? Nope. England settle for taking six singles from the over, so Doherty ends with figures of 10-0-50-1.
"Just to put Jonathon Sexton's mind at rest," begins Phil Withall. "I had the pleasure of spending a day watch England play the West Indies in a Test at Old Trafford from the comfort of the corporate seats. During the lunch break we all toddled off for lunch. In the marquee was a small telly and as the bell rang for the resumption of play I looked around the table and saw nine business executives taking great interest in the exploits of Postman Pat. Corporate cricket really is all about wine, warm beer and animated children's telly."
44th over: England 208-4 (Morgan 43, Kieswetter 7) Morgan makes room to lash McKay through extra cover for four. That's the only boundary of the over, but five singles make it a decent one for England. They need an explosive finish, mind you.
"Bopara in a single sentence?" says Harry Tuttle. "Use whatever you did for Ian Bell v1 – variants of 'tidy but fragile'. Bopara's tragedy is he was dropped
during his first bad patch at Test level, at exactly the point when England started their climb to No1. He made more sense in a struggling-ish side that could afford to indulge his occasional waywardness. I fear – I am a Ravi fan, it must be said – that his time is an unfortunate one, sandwiched between the massing up-and-comers and the elite established players in a winning outfit. I suspect that long-term he will be remembered as an excellent first-class cricketer who had an ill-starred international career (think Ramps, Hick, etc.) – in that sense, dropping him for good would almost be a kindness, so he can go about harvesting high scores in the CC untroubled by
bottle-related queries." That's all very fair, although Bell's potential was always greater than Bopara's. I'd say Bopara was pretty unlucky to make his Test debut in a really tricky series in Sri Lanka (it should have been Owais Shah) and has been catching up ever since. I suspect his career will be filed under 'some things aren't meant to be', but it's too early to write him off completely. This is a man's career, and a man's life.
45th over: England 218-4 (Morgan 51, Kieswetter 9) Morgan pulls Cummins sweetly for a one-bounce four, gloves an attempted glide just wide of the diving keeper Wade and then take a single to reach a fine fifty from 45 balls, with very few dot balls. It's his first fifty in any form of the game for England since August 2011, and a nice reminder of his joyous brilliance. Ten from Cummins' final over; he ends with figures of 10-0-53-1.
46th over: England 224-4 (Morgan 54, Kieswetter 12) Kieswetter is duped by a good slower short ball from McKay, whose last over costs only five. Morgan has 54 from 49 balls, Kieswetter 12 from 20.
47th over: England 238-4 (Morgan 67, Kieswetter 13) England's innings was due to finish at 2.15pm, so the interval will be pretty short. No time for my lunchtime manicure today. Brett Lee replaces Cummins – and Morgan swings him for consecutive sixes to cow corner! That's sensational batting, particularly the second one because he managed to get under a delivery that was almost yorker length. Morgan is brilliant at getting under those deliveries and swiping them for six. Or, to summarise the above, Morgan is brilliant.
48th over: England 257-4 (Morgan 81, Kieswetter 18) Kieswetter makes room to clout Watson extravagantly back over his head for four, and then Morgan pulls him for six more! That's three sixes in three balls for Morgan. Public service announcement: a genius is at work. Some people wanted him dropped from the one-day side a couple of months ago. Some people buy Beady Eye records. A couple of twos are followed by a scorching straight drive for four more. Nineteen from the over! Morgan has raced him to 87 from 58 balls. This is why he is arguably better at No5 than No4 or No3, because he is much more likely to be around at the death, and there are few better finisher/hitters in the world.
49th over: England 264-4 (Morgan 86, Kieswetter 20) An otherwise excellent final over from Brett Lee – three from the first five deliveries – is tarnished when Morgan swipes a low full toss up and over backward point for four.
50th over: England 272-5 (Morgan 89 not out; Kieswetter c Warner b Watson 25) Watson's final over is a good one that costs only eight.
He shells a stinging return catch when Kieswetter slams the first ball viciously back whence it came. The next ball is scooped neatly for four, but that's the only boundary of the over and Kieswetter falls to the final delivery when Warner takes an excellent diving catch. Eoin Morgan ends with 89 not out from 63 balls, a stunning innings that included four sixes. He smashed 34 from his last 11 deliveries to take England to a competitive total. Australia's target is 273. See you in a bit for their reply.
INNINGS BREAK "Managed to snag a ticket for today," says Rachel Clifton. "God I love Eoin Morgan."
Flick over to Sky Sports 1 if you have it. They are currently showing a video of Mike Atherton interviewing Michael Clarke. It's extremely good stuff, as you'd expect, covering the new Australian team, the public perception of him in Australia and telling Ricky Ponting his Test career is over. Clarke comes across really well. He talks an outstanding game, and he's played one in his first 18 months as well.
1st over: Australia 5-0 (target: 273; Watson 3, Warner 1) I would suggest developing a certain intimacy with the F5 button over the next hour, because the first 10 overs should be livelier than one of those orgy things the kids talk about. The brilliant David Warner is playing against England in an ODI for the first time. He tucks Anderson for a single to get off the mark in a quiet first over.
2nd over: Australia 9-0 (target: 273; Watson 4, Warner 4) Steven Finn is a new-ball regular for England in one-day cricket now, and he gets the white ball ahead of Broad and Bresnan. Warner crashes him through the covers for three and then misses a big drive at a fine delivery.
"Can I just reassure my dear husband and the OBO readers that, having just finished my three-course meal with wine, I have taught the director sat next to me quite a lot about cricket (just had to tell him that the guy currently on the tv was Shane Warne!!), and as I'm sat opposite a large tv I haven't missed anything," says Rachel Sexton. "However i probably won't be able to tell him who's won as I have to leave before it finishes to go out drinking. And he didn't hide the rage and jealousy at all – so I want some flowers..."
3rd over: Australia 10-0 (target: 273; Watson 5, Warner 4) Warner, fishing outside off stump, is beaten twice in three balls by Anderson. A fine over. "I'm still very excited," reports David Horn. "A score of 270+ feels a bit below par for the game, but a bit above par for the circumstances (the stop/start beginning in particular). On a cold, rainy day in Donegal, Eoin Morgan is warming my heart."
4th over: Australia 11-0 (target: 273; Watson 6, Warner 4) Finn has a strangled LBW shout against Watson, who played around a ball that was going down the leg side. He is bowling rapidly, in excess of 90mph, and Watson aborts a provisional hook shot at a sharp bouncer. One from a fine over, and that was a risky single that might have produced a run-out chance had Bopara not failed to pick up the ball as he slid in.
5th over: Australia 15-0 (target: 273; Watson 8, Warner 6) No idea what happened in that Anderson over; my eyes started twitching in a slightly odd way. There haven't been any big shots from Warner yet.
WICKET! Australia 20-1 (Watson c Kieswetter b Finn 12) England must review this. Watson seemed to edge an attempted cut straight through to Kieswetter, but Aleem Dar turned down England's desperate appeal. I think this will be out. It cramped Watson for room as he shaped to play that familiar cut stroke – and there is a slight mark on Hotspot. That's out! Aleem Dar has broken the habit of a lifetime by making a mistake and Watson has to go. Watson and Warner seem a bit unhappy but I have no idea why.
6th over: Australia 20-1 (target: 273; Warner 7, Bailey 0) Finn has figures of 3-0-10-1.
7th over: Australia 27-1 (target: 273; Warner 7, Bailey 6) Anderson has a surprisingly muted shout for LBW against Warner. It wasn't out – it pitched a fraction outside leg and would probably have gone over the top – but it was tighter than the appeal suggested. Bailey pulls assertively for four later in the over. Snickometer also suggests Watson was out. I'd love to know what the two openers were complaining about there. They weren't particularly argumentative but both had a word with Aleem Dar as Watson walked off.
"I love Rachel Sexton's logic, but don't understand why it doesn't work the other way," says Robin Hazlehurst. "When husband (me) goes out to watch the match (doesn't matter which) followed by a few drinks, my wife certainly doesn't greet me with the equivalent of flowers, in fact she rather expects them for herself because of the rage, jealousy etc. Not quite fair somehow..."
8th over: Australia 41-1 (target: 273; Warner 20, Bailey 7) Finn's fourth over goes for 14. Warner gets his first boundary, clattering a shortish delivery through the covers, and he adds another with a flashing square cut. "Potassium deficiency, that eye twitching business Rob," says Phil Sawyer. "Eat a banana." I naively thought it might have something to do with leering at a screen for 97 hours straight.
9th over: Australia 49-1 (target: 273; Warner 25, Bailey 9) Tim Bresnan replaces Anderson (4-0-16-0), and a length delivery is slugged over mid-on for a one-bounce four. That's a brutal, intimidating stroke. England need to pick up Warner sooner rather than later.
"Robin Hazlehurst is completely correct in everything he says," says Jonathan Sexton, "but can we stop this now; my wife is clearly reading this and I'm already in trouble."
10th over: Australia 50-1 (target: 273; Warner 25, Bailey 10) Stuart Broad comes on for Finn (4-0-24-1). He has developed into one of the world's better change bowlers in 50-over cricket, and his first over costs just a single. Warner misses an attempted uppercut, which prompts a few words from Broad.
"I know there's an element of semantics in this comment, but have you ever seen an Australian batting unit with such an imbalance between talent and class?" says Gary Naylor. "Warner, Watson, Hussey (D) and Smith all have talent, but none are classy like Clarke. This looks like a T20 batting line-up – more suited to bulgeoned 40s than stroked match-winning 80+s. Taking Clarke and Watson out of the line-up (and Watson has been already) and there's only 26 ODI fifties between the other nine." Although Watson is largely muscle, he does play some elegant strokes in the V as well. But yes, fair point.
11th over: Australia 57-1 (target: 273; Warner 30, Bailey 12) Bresnan's short ball is far too straight and Warner slaughters a swivel pull for four. He has raced to 30 from 29 balls in impressive style. England could do with a wicket.
"My best man Jamie Jermain (who is something of an OBO stalker) moved to NZ and had a baby last year," says Adam Cole. "I still haven't called to congratulate him. He is, however, getting married in England in September. Mentioning his name might make me seem like less of swine when I see him...it might also count as a wedding present. Do me a favour, please Rob!" There you go. I've done you a solid!
12th over: Australia 61-1 (target: 273; Warner 32, Bailey 14) Graeme Swann comes on for Broad, who will presumably switch ends. Warner has apparently been promising to switch hit Swann, but for now he and Bailey deal in low-risk singles; four of them to be precise. There was a hint of turn for Doherty earlier so Swann should certainly get some.
"This show is soon to be broadcast on Aussie TV," says Neill Brown. "Hopefully it'll do the story justice."
13th over: Australia 64-1 (target: 273; Warner 33, Bailey 16) Broad has changed ends to replace Bresnan, who bowled a spell of 2-0-15-0. HURRY UP AND GET US TO THE DRINKS BREAK BEFORE I HOMAGE INTO STANLEY FROM MAGNOLIA, PLEASE. Two from Broad's over, which was a very good one.
14th over: Australia 65-1 (target: 273; Warner 34, Bailey 16) Swann to Warner is an excellent contest between two gentlemen who won't die wondering. Warner reaches for a good delivery that turns enough to take the edge before flying wide of slip. The next ball skids on to take the inside edge, and then Warner pats a single into the leg side off the final ball. One from a high-class over.
15th over: Australia 72-1 (target: 273; Warner 41, Bailey 16) I fantasize about a massive, pristine convenience. Brilliant gold taps, virginal white marble, a seat carved from ebony, a cistern full of Chanel Number 5, and a flunky handing me pieces of raw silk toilet roll. But under the circumstances I'll settle for anything. In other news, Warner pulls Broad mightily for six, a storming blow that prompts one moron to involuntarily shriek "Oh hoo, have that!" across the office. The fifth ball is waved towards point and then kicks up nastily off one of the old pitches, almost giving Bopara some impromptu dentistry.
16th over: Australia 75-1 (target: 273; Warner 43, Bailey 17) Between overs they showed that Secret Escapes advert. Why is it so irritating? I can't quite place it. Three singles from Swann's over, another good one.
17th over: Australia 80-1 (target: 273; Warner 45, Bailey 19) Bopara is on for Broad, an interesting and surprising move. His first over is milked for five singles. It's time, not a moment too soon, for the drinks break.
18th over: Australia 90-1 (target: 273; Warner 50, Bailey 24) There was a marriage proposal at Lord's during the drinks break. The camera shows the happy couple kissing. "Very, very happy ... for now," says Nasser Hussain. Anyway, enough of that human-interest jazz. England need a wicket here. They've decided to take the Powerplay, which means Stuart Broad returns to the attack. Warner pushes him for a single to reach an intimidating half-century from 57 balls and then Bailey slams a cut stroke for four. Australia are in complete control at the moment.
"Interesting prices for the World Twenty20," says Gary Naylor.
WICKET! Australia 96-2 (Bailey b Anderson 29) Boy did England need that wicket. Bailey has gone, chopping on a ball that came back and was too close to glide to third man. Anderson has an injury problem and waves to the physio straight after taking the wicket. That was a decent, punchy innings from Bailey, 29 from 38 balls.
19th over: Australia 96-2 (target: 273; Warner 51, Clarke 0) Anderson had some treatment between overs, a little massage around his thigh and groin area, and is still on the field. "Secret Escapes…" says Andrew Kelly. "I'll tell you what's wrong with it, aside from the Lucinda Poshington-Pony star, it's the whispering… it's done with the volume yanked up so it ends up louder than regular talking but with added ear-shredding SSSHHHH tones. Also, it actively insults anyone above Labrador intelligence."
I'm sensing rancour. What's the worst advert ever, then? Send suggestions, with links. This was a stinker, of course.
20th over: Australia 98-2 (target: 273; Warner 52, Clarke 0) Clarke offers no stroke to his first ball from Broad, which snaps back to hit him on the pad and prompt a huge LBW shout. It was going over the top so I suppose that's a good leave on length. Will Broad bomb Clarke as he has in one-day cricket in the past? Not in that over, which is largely full to Clarke and costs just two runs. Well bowled.
WICKET! Australia 102-3 (Warner c Kieswetter b Anderson 56) What a huge wicket for England! Anderson, who had been pulled for four the previous ball, tempted Warner into the drive with a fuller, wider delivery that was angled across him and moving away just enough. Warner threw everything at it with minimal foot movement and it flew off the edge a fair way to the left of Kieswetter, who dived sharply to take an extremely good two-handed catch. I know we have seen batsmen who are dangerous on one leg, like Gordon Greenidge, but this is ridiculous: Anderson has winced his way to two vital wickets in three balls!
21st over: Australia 111-3 (target: 273; Clarke 8, D Hussey 1) Clarke gets off the mark with a delicious straight drive for four and flicks another boundary off the pads to complete an eventful over: three boundaries, 13 runs and one vital wicket. "Afternoon Smyth, afternoon everybody," says Josh Robinson. "I wonder: are any either of your other readers also mad enough to be doign the Dunwich Dynamo on Saturday night? For the uninitiated: it's an overnight bike ride from London Fields to the Suffolk coast, ending with a fry-up and a dip in the sea. If anyone's tempted, the weather should be alright, and there's a tailwind forecast. And if that's not enough, the Ship will be open and serving beer brewed by Adnams, the unofficial beverage suppliers to the OBO."
22nd over: Australia 113-3 (target: 273; Clarke 8, D Hussey 3) Two runs from another good Broad over, which brings the Powerplay to an end. Five overs, 33 runs, two wickets. "Worst advert ever," says Tom Ireland. "Lloyds TSB. ♫ ♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba, ba-ba-ba ba. Wa-aaHHHHH! ♫ ♪. You know the one." I'm extremely glad to say that I don't.
23rd over: Australia 118-3 (target: 273; Clarke 12, D Hussey 4) Clarke drives Anderson urgently towards mid-off, where his opposite number saves two runs with a good sprawling stop. His batting form has been extremely good since he became captain.
"Secret Escapes?" says Paul Billington. "Good god. Apart from everything else wrong with it I don't see the use of all the whispering only for her to shriek 'Go on, GO!' when apparently hiding you from her husband." Also, why does her husband sound about 30 years older than her? Do Secret Escapes offer an extra discount if you're a Hefnercouple?
24th over: Australia 121-3 (target: 273; Clarke 13, D Hussey 5) Anderson has gone off the field. There's talk that he has a bit of man-flu as well. This may well be an idiot question, but it's a genuine one (and I am an idiot): what is the difference between man-flu and flu? Anyway, Finn returns to the attack and beats both batsmen outside off stump in the course of a good over that is tarnished mildly by a leg-side wide. Australia need 152 from 156 balls. They are favourites, but not by much.
"Worst. Advert. Ever," says Niall Mullen, and there are few arguments from this side of the house.
25th over: Australia 123-3 (target: 273; Clarke 14, D Hussey 5) Bresnan is back as well, so it's a double bowling change from England. A decent over costs just a couple, so Australia need precisely a run a ball to win from the last 25 overs.
"Sadly no overnight bike ride for me," says Rachel Grundy. "Your other reader is sitting in an office in New York (today's forecast: 35 degrees C and humid) and eating my lunch. A dip in the ocean sounds pretty nice right about now." On the plus side, you get to live in New York, which last time I checked was leading London 472-13 in the 'Best Place To Live' contest.
26th over: Australia 125-3 (target: 273; Clarke 15, D Hussey 7) Clarke is saved by a big inside-edge off a full inducker from Finn, and then Hussey takes a very tight single. Finn is bowling with impressive purpose and concedes just a couple. After that proposal earlier in the day, Bumble is talking about the joys of marriage: "He'll have to watch QVC soon, a film. No footy, cricket, rugby. I hope he gets a shed, that lad."
"Secret Escapes," says Jeff Goines. "What perplexes me most about this hard-going 30 seconds is: what exactly was the director asking his lead actress for when she does that raised-eyebrows/smile combo? It does not convey any human emotion that ever existed." Does not convey any human emotion that ever existed outside the chic, playful, suntanned world of Secret Escapes, you mean.
27th over: Australia 129-3 (target: 273; Clarke 15, D Hussey 11) Hussey glides Bresnan through the vacant slip area for four. It's surprising to see that this is only his 57th ODI as it feels like he's been around for ages. He almost falls to the last ball of the delivery, missing a windy woof at a good outswinger.
"Afternoon again Smyth, afternoon again everybody," says Josh Robinson. "The difference between manflu and flu is approximately the same as the difference between a cold and flu."
28th over: Australia 131-3 (target: 273; Clarke 16, D Hussey 12) Swann replaces Finn. During the Ashes he had a fascinating contest with Clarke, who is such a good, fleet-footed player of spin. There is not much excitement in that over, just two low-risk singles.
"Ross Kemp on cereal," says Robert Fry. Madon. You can't imagine Phil Mitchell doing a similar advert, can you? I suspect it would be slightly more brusque. If you don't eat Fruit n Fibre, you toerag, I'll shove that cereal box...
29th over: Australia 132-3 (target: 273; Clarke 16, D Hussey 13) More unorthodox captaincy from Michael Clarke, who has decided to take the batting Powerplay. That's an interesting move which will presumably force England to take Swann, who still have six overs left, out of the attack after just one over of his spell. Bresnan is one of England's Powerplay overs and will continue at this end. His fifth over goes for just a single.
"This advert was pretty annoying at the time," says Phil Sawyer. "But given recent events, when viewed now it causes whole new levels of bile-inducing hatred."
WICKET! Australia 132-4 (D Hussey b Finn 13) David Hussey is bowled by a bouncer! He was beaten for pace by Finn as he attempted to pull an awkward, straight short ball that hit him on the shoulder before deflecting off his helmet and down onto the bails. As Mike Atherton says on Sky, that decision to take the Powerplay has backfired – had they not done so, Finn wouldn't have been brought back into the attack. Instead he struck with his first delivery.
30th over: Australia 136-4 (target: 273; Clarke 16, Smith
4) The new batsman Steve Smith edges his fourth ball on the bounce to second slip. You suspect that the England team don't think much of him batting at No6. "I think man flu is a cold," sniffs Dave Voss. "Everyone says they've got flu when actually they've got a cold – flu is a disease people die from, not a runny nose. That said, all that is from a documentary I watched years ago, it's not like I'm a flu expert or anything." So what's woman-flu? And what's an elf?
31st over: Australia 142-4 (target: 273; Clarke 21, Smith
5) Clarke is dropped by Bresnan! He should have taken that. It was a sharp chance in his follow through, as all caught-and-bowleds are, but it was straight into Bresnan's stomach and he had time to get both hands to it. He would take that maybe eight times out of 10. Clarke punishes him with a boundary next ball. This is a fascinating game. I've no idea who is on top. Australia need 131 from 114 balls.
"Sympathy is what divides flu & man flu," says Iain Chambers. "The former is where I feel sorry for my poor wife's condition, provide tea, medicines, soup and concern. The latter is where she looks at me funny and carries on regardless."
32nd over: Australia 145-4 (target: 273; Clarke 22, Smith
7) Smith misses a filthy-looking swivel-pull-heave at Finn, who looks at him with contempt and perhaps a smidgin of pity. Clarke is then beaten by a storming lifter, one of the balls of the day. It's time for drinks.
"Since you were generous enough to ask your manflu question, may I request the forebearance of the OBOers to ask my own stupid question?" says Jenny Hemming. "Please would you explain powerplay? I was clearly not listening when it was invented and despite assiduous sessions of listening to TMS & following the OBO, have never yet been enlightened. It's got to that stage where it's (almost) too embarrassing to ask."
Here's the script to a little known arthouse film called Everything You Wanted To Know About Powerplays But Were Afraid To Ask. Ignore that table, though; that's just scary.
WICKET! Australia 147-5 (Smith c Kieswetter b Bresnan 8) Steve Smith's unconvincing little innings comes to a predictable end with an indeterminate fish outside off stump and a simple edge to Kieswetter. You thought he might have improved in the 18 months since the Ashes but he looked exactly the same player in that knock.
WICKET! Australia 147-5 (Smith c Kieswetter b Bresnan 8) Steve Smith's unconvincing little innings comes to a predictable end with an indeterminate fish outside off stump and a simple edge to Kieswetter. You thought he might have improved in the 18 months since the Ashes but he looked exactly the same player in that knock.
33rd over: Australia 148-5 (target: 273; Clarke 23, Wade 1)
That batting Powerplay wasn't the greatest for Australia: they scored 17 for two from five overs. "Surely a candidate for worst yet simultaneously greatest advert of all time has to be Cilit Bang!" says Max Kasriel.
34th over: Australia 150-5 (target: 273; Clarke 24, Wade 2) With the Powerplay completed Swann can come back into the attack to replace Finn, who has bowled very well for figures of 8-0-36-2. There's a half shout for LBW against Wade, who was a long way down the track. "If I ask for the review now, is it too far down the wicket?" Swann asks Aleem Dar. It's irrelevant because Cook isn't interested. I'm pretty sure it was sliding down leg anyway. Excellent work from Swann though; just two from the over. Australia need 125 from 96 balls. (We've just seen a replay of that Wade appeal. It wasn't sliding down leg but it was umpire's call both on height and how far down the track Wade was, so the decision would have stayed not out.)
35th over: Australia 152-5 (target: 273; Clarke 25, Wade 3) Broad is on for Bresnan, and he too concedes only two from his over. The net is closing around Australia, who now need more than eight an over. They are not out of it but a huge amount depends on these two at the crease.
"Most inappropriate advert," says Neill Brown. "You, your kids and your johnson."
36th over: Australia 156-5 (target: 273; Clarke 27, Wade 5) Four singles from another crafty Swann over. Australia need a boundary or five. They've hit only two in the last 15 overs, and need 117 from 84 balls. It's a Bevan job.
"THIS is the worst ad campaign ever," says Dan Smith. "Also the worst ever product concept and the worst ever series of decisions by a person in the public eye. 'Do you dry wipe?'" A gentlemen never tel- oh sorry I thought you were asking me specifically.
37th over: Australia 164-5 (target: 273; Clarke 33, Wade 7) There's a boundary for Australia, edged right through the vacant slip cordon by Clarke off Broad. That came off the first delivery of the over, so Broad does well to keep it to eight runs overall.
"Man flu," says Jake Hawkins. "The reasoning is pretty idiotic but I thought it went along the lines of; men are much tougher and stronger than poor fragile women so in order to have caused the same levels of suffering/symptoms they must have contracted the almost deadly and barely survivable strain known as 'man flu'. As others have pointed out; it is only a cold so stop sniffling/whinging.
38th over: Australia 174-5 (target: 273; Clarke 34, Wade 16) Wade sweeps Swann flat and hard for four and then chips him this far short of Finn, running in from long on. A flick round the corner for three makes it Australia's best over for a while, with 10 runs from it.
"A collection of the worst adverts," says Alex Netherton.
39th over: Australia 180-5 (target: 273; Clarke 38, Wade 18) Clarke chips the new bowler Anderson over midwicket for three. Australia have taken 26 from the last three overs to give themselves a sniff. They need 93 from 66 balls.
"I think all that Jenny Hemming (32nd over) needs to know," says Josh Robinson, "is that a powerplay is what happens when mummy and daddy love each other very much." I won't ask what a switch hit is.
40th over: Australia 183-5 (target: 273; Clarke 39, Wade 20) Wade charges Swann, is beaten in the flight and drags an almighty heave back onto his toe and away from the prowling Kieswetter. A classy, nerveless over from Swann costs just three.
"Does anyone remember the Mel Smith Visa Delta adverts?" says Matthew West. "Quite old - it was an advert to explain debit cards. And it was excrement. 8:51 into this cavalcade of nonsense."
41st over: Australia 193-5 (target: 273; Clarke 41, Wade 27) Wade hoicks a filthy delivery from Anderson miles over midwicket for six, although again Anderson does well to pull it back by conceding four from the last five balls. Australia need 80 from 54 balls.
"Can I link to the best advert ever instead?" says Mark Jelbert.
WICKET! Australia 204-6 (Wade run out 27) What a disaster. What a shemozzle. Wade pushes Swann to leg, and in the blink of an eye both he and Clarke are stuck at the same end without a paddle. Wade sacrifices himself to end a good innings of 27 and an increasingly fluent partnership of 57 in nine overs.
42nd over: Australia 205-6 (target: 273; Clarke 53, Lee 0) Clarke had reached his fifty earlier in the over with a sweet six over midwicket. Australia need 68 from 48 balls.
WICKET! Australia 214-7 (Clarke LBW b Bresnan 61) That should be the match for England. Michael Clarke is given out LBW after missing a low full toss from Bresnan that swings in to trap Clarke in front of off and middle. Australia do have a review left but Clarke knew he was out; he simply screamed "F*£$QW$£QW$" before departing the scene. He had survived an England review from a not dissimilar delivery two balls earlier. That one was swinging down the leg side; this one was plumb.
43rd over: Australia 214-7 (target: 273; Lee 0, McKay 0) That was the last ball of the over. Australia's lower order need 59 from 42 balls.
44th over: Australia 220-7 (need 53 from 36 balls; Lee 5, McKay 1) Brett Lee, trying to avoid a bouncer from Finn, gets off the mark with an inadvertent periscope shot over the keeper's head for four. Six from the over in total, so Australia need just under nine an over to win.
45th over: Australia 226-7 (need 47 from 30 balls; Lee 9, McKay 2) Australia aren't quite finished yet. Brett Lee picks Bresnan up sweetly over midwicket for four in an over that brings six. They need just under ten an over now.
WICKET! Australia 226-8 (McKay c Kieswetter b Broad 8) Stuart Broad becomes the fourth bowler to strike with the first ball of a new spell in this match. McKay slogged a short ball miles in the air, and Kieswetter ran round to a short fine leg position to calmly take the catch.
WICKET! Australia 231-9 (Cummins LBW b Broad 4) Cummins misses a drive at Broad and is trapped right in front of middle. Cummins reviewed it – you might as well – but that was plumb.
46th over: Australia 231-9 (need 42 from 24 balls; Lee 10, Doherty 0) That was the last ball of the over.
47th over: Australia 239-9 (need 34 from 18 balls; Lee 17, Doherty 1) Brett Lee will always go down swinging if possible. He makes room to blitz Bresnan over extra cover for four; I suppose, after Edgbaston 2005, he will never regard a cause as being lost. That one was lost, but you know what I mean. And if you don't, we can always have a man-conversation about it I guess. Unlike man-flu and flu, a man-conversation is definitely different from a conversation. A sprawling dive from Kieswetter saves four leg byes.
48th over: Australia 245-9 (need 29 from 12 balls; Lee 22, Doherty 2) Swann has Doherty dropped by Kieswetter, a very difficult chance because there was a big deviation. A single brings Lee on strike, and he sweeps a quicker ball neatly round the corner for four. Anyone getting the Edgbaston Shiver yet? Australia need 29 from the last two overs.
49th over: Australia 252-9 (need 21 from 6 balls; Lee 26, Doherty 4) Seven from the penultimate over, bowled by Broad. A misfield from Finn at short fine leg gave Lee a couple of extra runs early in the over. Finn charged back to save the boundary, though, which was vital – not just because it saved a run but because it got Lee off strike for the next three deliveries. Australia need 21 off the final over. That unpleasant smell around NW8 is England thinking the unthinkable. Crucially, Lee doesn't have the strike.
49.1 overs: Australia 253-9 (need 20 from 5 balls; Lee 26, Doherty 5) Doherty steals a single. He would have been miles out with a direct hit from Finn.
49.2 overs: Australia 254-9 (need 19 from 4 balls; Lee 27, Doherty 5) Lee hammers a single to mid off.
49.3 overs: Australia 255-9 (need 18 from 3 balls; Lee 27, Doherty 6) Another single. "Start the car..." says Bumble. Brett Lee needs three sixes from three balls.
49.4 overs: Australia 255-9 (need 18 from 2 balls; Lee 27, Doherty 6) Lee misses a big swing at Finn, and England have won.
50th over: Australia 257-9. ENGLAND WIN BY 15 RUNS That's the end of an excellent game of cricket between two good sides, and a fine win for England after losing an important toss. Their formidable five-man attack produced a really strong bowling performance to defend a par score, but the Man of the Match is Eoin Morgan for his glorious innings of 89 not out from 63 balls. Thanks for your emails; I'm off for a man-drink. Night.