Another washout at Edgbaston meant no play on the first two days of a Test in England for the first time since 1964
Preamble Morning. What do you get when you cross a dead rubber and a damp squib? A bad joke, which, sad to say, is what this final Test is fast turning into. It's extremely wet at Edgbaston, and the word on the Birmingham street is that there's approximately 0.00 per cent chance of play before lunch, and 0.001 per cent on play at any stage today.
10.35am Ian Ward, out on the field for Sky, says it is "rancid", really stressing the word to show just how uncomfortable conditions are. The wind is making his usually immaculate barnet do a dance. The poor groundstaff haven't even been home apparently.
10.38pm So. Anything you want to talk about until they officially abandon play for the day at around 2.44pm? For now, you should read this excellent Small Talk with Graeme Swann, the loveable overgrown yoof of English cricket.
10.52am "So," says Sam Fox. "My team are due to play on Sunday against a team we've never beaten in six years of trying. Any suggestions of new tactics we should employ this year?"
Bowl in good areas, play each ball on its merits, give 110 per cent, cheat.
11.15am "This no play because of rain story is pathetic. I was at the Oval on that day in 1968 when spectators mopped up the wet," says Keith Flett, who really has been growing his beard that long. "We need a Workfare task force directed by Geoffrey Boycott to sort things out. Possibly..."
Actually, talking about the decadence of modern society, I was endeavouring to purchase a cup of coffee this morning when the woman behind me asked for a "grande skinny cap". I'm sorry? Where to start with this. There is the obvious Paulie Walnuts thing about modern coffee shops (that clip is not safe for work), but really there's only one place to start. Cap. Cap.
Are we now so important, and our lives so damn hectic, that we no longer have time for two extra syllables? This is not a new thing, either: the nu-cool staff of London bars and clothes shops have taken to asking for "fifteen" or "twennyfour". This is just about tolerable when it's "Fifteen ten" or "Seventeen forty-seven", but not whien it's a round pound figure. Fifteen what? Facebook friends? Epiphanies? Doo-wop duets?
Come on. This isn't good enough.
11.30am No news. I assume lunch will be brought forward to 12.30pm.
11.31am "Re: coffee," says Jos Roberts, "this seems to be appropriate..." That link's not safe for work either, by the way. It's true, though. Who knew Nathan Barley was actually a documentary?
11.33am "Can't fool me with your coffee hype," says Nigel Green. "Top Twitter find for Rob Smyth is a Champion Barista. Your conflict of interest is outed." What is Twitter?
11.40am "Cap," says Brett Jansen. "Three extra syllables." You make a good point. Or, I should say, YMAGP. Typing words in their entirety is a bit 2008, grandad.
12.01pm "On the subject of omitting the word 'pounds' when talking about money," begins Richard Hudson, "what really gets my goat is the increasing tendency of furniture shops electrical retailers to advertise products for sale at 'three nine nine'. No mention of 'pounds' or even the word 'hundred'!!"
It really gets my too.
12.03pm "All this rain at Test matches makes me yearn for the 1980s and Peter West who, having exhausted conversation topics with Tom Graveney, Ray Illingworth and Jim Laker, eventually resorted to highlights of a match from a few years previous," says Phil Rhodes. "In this modern age of the OBO we need more cricketing gems from YouTube at such times as these and in all likelihood Rob Moodys archive. One of my great finds recently was Mike Atherton's two Test wickets. I'm pretty sure they were Wasim Akram and Dilip Vengsarkar – two excellent wickets to get. He got Vengsarkar with a dreadful full toss and looked frankly embarrassed at getting a wicket with the delivery."
I think he was embarrassed. Weren't his figures 8-0-60-1 or something? He was bowling all sorts that day. But we shouldn't forget that he was an extremely promising legspinner. I've a vague recollection that, after Atherton's Test debut in 1989, Ian Chappell said he liked his legspin a lot and his batting not so much.
12.07pm "The limp banter between Matt Prior, Tim Bresnan and Steven Finn on social timewasting site Twitter is currently giving an excruciating window into what it's like to be in the England team when the rain's coming down," says my colleague James Walsh. "Presumably they're all sat in separate corners pawing into their smartphones so they can avoid noted prankster Ian Bell's hilarious practical jokes." What is Twitter?
12.09pm "I thought you and the OBOers might like the following email I have just received from our skipper about why he has had to cancel tomorrow's match," says Jonathan McCauley-Liver. "Can anyone think of a reason that's not been covered?
'Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but I've had to cancel tomorrow's match, we could only get half the numbers due to holidays, illness, injuries, old age and jail sentences.'"
12.17pm Here's another great old video that some of you might not have seen. It's from Edgbaston 1985. When you are Australian, and the opposition are 572 for four, and you still have flashbacks to 1981, the last thing you want to see is Ian Botham striding to the wicket with a big bat and an even bigger mullet. Watch out for Jeff Thomson's jaunty celebration at the end.
12.21pm You can find pretty much anything in Rob Moody's amazing archive. This is great: Sachin Tendulkar facing Shane Warne for the first time, in a tour match in 1991-92.
12.35pm Here's Lord Selve on the subject of Mike Atherton's legspin. "In the 1990-91 Ashes, the Telegraph, with no correspondent, sent Simon Heffer (yes, that Simon Heffer) out to Australia, because, as he told me, "there is nothing going on at home politically". (Several days after I arrived he had to return home because Maggie Thatcher resigned). Anyway while he was there he did opine that the key to England's Ashes bid might lie with Atherton's legspin. So maybe it was best he stuck to the day job after all."
Ah, the farting-against-thunder tour. That was probably the most annoying of all the Ashes defeats between 1989 and 2003, because England played really well in patches only to collapse pathetically again and again. Going from 100-odd for one and 147 for four to 150 all out at Melbourne was a particular gem.
12.37pm The greatest catch you've (possibly) never seen, from John Emburey.
12.46pm The weather is bad. Real bad. But it could be a lot worse.
12.50pm For those with Sky, OBO founder and Wisden Almanack editor Lawrence Booth will be on at around 1.15pm. Until then, why not click here to read selected highlights of his OBO career.
12.53pm "Great highlights there of the 2004 Bridgetown Test and Thorpe's 119* out of 226," says Ali Walker of the highlights being shown on Sky. "Knowing you love a stat, any idea what the highest percentage of a total team score by a single batsman in Test matches? Slater at Sydney '99 (123 out of 184) must be up there..." I'm pretty sure it was Charles Bannerman in the very first Test innings in 1877. Let me check.
12.55pm Yep, it was Bannerman, with that Slater innings in second.
12.57pm Look at the innings in fifth on the list: Asanka Gurusinha against India in 1990-91. The last seven batsmen got three runs between them. And look at the left-arm spinner Venkatapathy Raju's first-innings figures: 17.5-13-12-6! His match figures were pretty good, too: 53.5-38-37-8.
1.03pm "Where do you stand on this domestic between Knight and Pietersen?" says Lee Burman. "Got to say that I think that Nick's got a bit of a brass neck in escalating hostilities…"
I don't know if that's fair. The impression I got (and I might be wrong) is that Nick Knight simply gave an honest answer to a question about England's one-day team.For a while he has pointed out that Pietersen's ODI record isn't as good as you would expect for a player of his talent; and, while I wouldn't agree that England will be better off without Pietersen, that basic point is surely fair enough: in 76 ODIs since the 2007 World Cup, Pietersen's average is a relatively modest 33.71. It does seem a bit unnecessary on Pietersen's part, but without knowing precisely what has annoyed him it's difficult to judge either way.
1.04pm Beckett should have written a play about rainy days like these.
1.26pm "Could you please inform the OBO fellowship that I have two spare tickets for tomorrow's play due to the outbreak of Legionnaires disease in Edinburgh (the two drop outs are doctors, not Legionnaires!)," says Jim Lewis. "So, if anyone wants to go to the cricket, Eric Hollies stand, £63 (sixty three pounds! Scandalous) could they email you and could you pass on my email address as contact?"
1.39pm The umpires have just been out on the field, armed only with umbrellas and an endearing but hopelessly misplaced wish to see some cricket.
1.50pm That's it. It's over. Done. The umpires have given up for the day. It's the first time in 48 years that the first two days of a Test in England have been washed out. The forecast is a bit better for tomorrow, and some irredeemable mavericks are even suggesting we may get some cricket. See you then, don't be late. Bye.